[BrandyHagz]

I've been a first mom in open adoption for some time now and you'd think, having been around it for a while, that I'd be all ready to handle my most recent 'issue'.

But I'm not.

To add some background - shortly after M was born, I buried myself in my work - I worked ALL THE TIME and when I wasn't working - I was at home hanging out with my son (or going to school).

Bottom line - I avoided interaction with others in an attempt to avoid talking about the obvious pregnancy that resulted in me not coming home with a baby. (I didn't share my adoption plan with anyone really).

Three years later, I met and married my husband and moved away. Far away. I get back from time to time, but my home town is 'rural' and I pretty much avoid going into 'town'.

Anyway - I got into Facebook about a year ago and started connecting to a few people back home...no big deal really, I got caught up in the excitement of talking to people I hadn't talked to in 13+ years and I was having fun.

Until the other day.

I got a friend request from someone I had been fairly close to in school - I accepted/approved and looked forward to talking to her.

Then it dawned on me, while I was out at the store, she'd married one of 'his' best friends. OH. MY. GOD.

So, I sat back and waited.

Yesterday, she messaged me and was all "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO!?!" and so I replied - I was doing well, living in AZ etc etc.

Then she replied - "So, how many kids do you have now?"

I have not replied yet - because I don't know how to reply!

Arg.

I should add:

1. She posted openly on my Facebook page.
2. My (placed) daughter is one of my Facebook friends.
3. I know she knows, she and her husband were one of two couples in the hotel room the night "he" got drunk and sloppy and told everyone he had a daughter with me and she'd been placed for adoption.

I am worried about:

1. I have to reply openly on my Facebook page to her question and then everyone who knows me, but doesn't know me well enough to know my story, will now wonder where I got this extra kid all the sudden.

2. If I don't say "2" then M (my placed daughter) could get hurt by my response.

3. @*$&@()@)%)%&@#*@(@)$)@)!*@&$(@#)! I am danged if I do and danged if I don’t!

I really don't know why I am so freaked out. My blog is linked from FB and I clearly 'out' there - but it just feels different being asked a direct question.

So - oh people of wisdom - tell me what I need to do. I am more worried about hurting M's feelings with my answer than I am making a total moron of myself. I can deal with whatever anyone throws my way - but I don't want to hurt her (and I admit, I am freaked out about becoming the gossip center of attention back home...where I haven't lived in over a decade, but is still the home of my (well known and respected) family.

[aspenhall]

I say ignore the gossip worry. Those who gossip will gossip anyway, and those who know you, it won't matter to.

I would tell her the truth. On facebook. Nothing to be ashamed of. I would say I have "just the 2 kids". No one who doesn't know you well from your hometown will know enough to say "wait a minute" she only raises one....hmmmm. And the rest will know already. The ones who care about you, but don't know yet, will understand and the ones who don't understand, aren't worth caring about their opinions.

It's very likely no one will even notice. It is probably way more of a big deal to you, than anyone else. Besides, it's such an bland question to ask. She is likely digging for info on M. wondering how it all turned out, but too chicken to ask outright. So she has cornered you. Maybe just reply with "it's a long story, I'll tell you all about it some other time." or you can reply with "I've actually had a son since the last time you saw me/we talked...he's XYZ and XXX years old." and go on to tell about what she wouldn't know about your son. Then maybe send M a private message explaining you didn't want to discuss her on facebook with someone you barely know. You wanted to protect her privacy.

[lovemy6]

I would say that I'm living in AZ with my dh and ds.

[BrandyHagz]

She knows about my son - my son is older than M (the daughter I placed) - we were actually pregnant around the same time - although, her daughter is just a tad older.

Again, I am more worried about how M will handle the reply...she will read it...

Looks like I just answered my own question

[billysmommy]

How about sending her a private message via facebook?

[DancinBear63]

FYI- If you reply using send a message, instead of posting a reply to her Wall, then she's the only one who will see the response.

I realize that this doesn't help one little bit in answering the question, but your answer doesn't have to be open for public review.

[MommaKatja]

I vote for the private message option. Slightly different, I'm friends with my sons mom on facebook and often times she'll ask me something on my "wall" and I'll reply in a private message. Sometimes EVERYONE just doesn't need to know.

[-maggie]

Maybe you could just give her a vague answer... something like 'Oh, I haven't had any more kids!'

I'd probably opt for the private message though. I answer wall post that way all the time!

[quantum]

I also sometimes answer wall posts with private messages.

I kinda threw myself out there though a while back! I mentioned in a note or something ( was it '25 things about me?' that instead of going for a hot air balloon ride the year I turned 40, I looked for my son and found him.
I think I had one friend, several weeks later, ask me about it! Actually, it opened up to me telling the story.
But that's just me. :-)

I'm thinking in your situation a private message back is your best bet.

[mom2behappy]

there should be a x and you can just delete her post and respond to her through a private email msg if you feel the need to respond at all

[saj]

In my small rural town, if the ex spilled his guts to one person, the entire town would already know how many children you have. Plus they would have already discussed every possible angle of your life.

I'm not a birth mother, I am an a mom. This is just my opinion, but I think that if the question is out there and your DD can read it, she is probably waiting with baited breath to see what your response is. I know my DD would be.

I would want my daughter's birth mom to step up to the plate and claim her.

Saj

[taramayrn]

I think I would just send her a private message on facebook.
I HATE the question "Is she your first?" "How many kids do you have?!" and I hate knowing when to say "no she's not my first" or "I have two kids" or just keeping my mouth shut.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by saj

I would want my daughter's birth mom to step up to the plate and claim her.

Saj

I know what you mean Saj, but sometimes it's just not a matter of "stepping up to the plate". It's a bit more complicated than that. So I think Brandy needs to answer the lady via pm and tell her how much she feels comfortable sharing, that way her daughter won't be hurt if Brandy doesn't feel like spilling the beans about the whole thing. Just as it's an adopted child's right to tell who they want about their story, I believe birthmoms have that same right.

[BrandyHagz]

Ok, so we're not all on pins and needles.

I did send my friend a PM - I explained to her why and we'll see what happens there.

As I said, yes, the whole world knows (back home) - but there are some friends on Facebook who do not *know* although, it'd be easy for them to find out if they were looking.

It's a crazy balance between so many different 'sides'.

I'll catch M on IM one day this week and let her know my motivation for not replying openly - and ask her how she prefers I deal with it next time.

[thanksgivingmom]

I'd post on her wall and say "I could fill your whole wall with updates! I'll send you a PM so I don't take over, haha!" Something that acknowledges you're responding (in case M checks to see what you said) and then you can have that conversation privately.

Like Tara, I also agree that it's not about stepping up to the plate. Being labeled publicly as a first Mom can have a LOT of negative ramifications. For instance, a lot of employers look at Facebook pages now, and I wouldn't want that to be something that I was labeled in the workplace. A lot of people have VERY negative connotatins of "birthmom" and I don't think we should always have to open ourselves to that Scarlett letter of sorts.