[taramayrn]

Do you agree that birthparent counselling is few and far between? Or do you think that it is readily available?

Check out Coley's blog for an interesting article and her take on it.

Open Adoption, Adoption Openness, Adoption Contact - Opinion Piece about Birthparent Counseling

[belleinblue1978]

Tara,

I just spit my Mt Dew on my monitor, what is it with you and me and reading your posts and food... thank god I wasn't eating a corn dog this time.

Anyway, my agency claims they offer post adoption counseling, but basically what that came down to was them telling me that it was ok that his adoptive parents told everyone the details of my pregnancy b/c he was sick when he was born and that it is ok that they tell people my dx with mental illness and that I need to reaffirm that they are his parents.

What a joke. I would use strong language, but you know.

Counseling for firstparents is nearly non existant, they just want our babies.

[taramayrn]

Belle - lol, you're too funny. Glad you didn't choke...

Anyways I know what you mean. I was so lucky to work with one of the most ethical agencies in my country, I believe. I got great counselling. But I know that my experience is rare. It is so sad....so sad.
How do we get this changed!?

[taramayrn]

They actually told you that?! How could they justify that?!

Now I'm the one choking...ugh.

[belleinblue1978]

Tara,

They did. When I said I wasn't comfortable with A's parents telling people about my lack of prenatal care, the agency said, but people are curious why he was born sick and that could be a reason. So people's curiousity makes it ok to tell whoever whatever?

As far as fixing things.... step number one is eliminating the idea that children are commodities and that women and families in cruddy situations are prey. But where do we start with that?

[taramayrn]

I am just stunned Belle - oh gosh...I just can't even imagine. I am so sorry. That agency is providing such a disservice to everyone.

I also believe that we need to get rid of the idea that we as birthparents don't care about our children, and getting rid of some of those awful stereotypes about us.

But like you said, how do we get that across to the agencies, etc?

[thanksgivingmom]

Post-placement counseling was talked about loosely but never actually expanded on or offered. Apparently the SW thought I appeared "so well adjusted" and didn't feel it necessary to go further. Then the SW left the agency. My name isn't on any of the books at the agency because of using Safe Haven, so now even if I sought out assistance from them they have no record of me working with them or even being a birthmother.

Also, it was the SW and DD's Mom that pushed me into OA with little to no education on that either. Thank goodness I know how to read!

[Oceans]

Personally, I think post-placement counseling is a bit of a fallacy. It looks good on brochures but in the end, it's more geared toward mediation.

Keep in mind this comes from my vast knowledge and experience that consists of three months post-adoption (which wasn't mine) and one agency (who I love).

IRL if someone is making an adoption plan, I would recommend "negotiating" actual counseling with a qualified therapist. Agencies don't have the resources or (in many cases) the qualified staff to really counsel a bmom in the way many need.

[SchmennaLeigh]

As I commented, briefly, on Coley's post, my agency has a joke of a counseling program. My counseling was provided by a non-licensed woman who, therefore, wasn't bound by any confidentiality laws, and turned around and told everything I said to the (potential) adoptive family before and in the one occurrence post-placement in which I spoke with her. As for counseling about options or grief and loss that accompany placement, there was none of that. None. As for post-placement counseling, there was none. When I contacted them about finding a therapist near my home (that I would pay for, not them or the family), they initially refused to help. When I threatened legal action, they found me one therapist over an hour away from my home.

[taramayrn]

Anyone have any ideas as to why post placement counselling for the most part is a joke? Is it because they still think that we will move on and forget or is it because we aren't paying customers?

[thanksgivingmom]

I tend to go with the paying customers bit. My SW became very good friends with Cupcake's Mom and was ALL ABOUT catering to her every need. Perhaps that's just because they became friends and not because of the inherent relationship between aparent and SW, but I never felt any kind of connection, or like the SW would have considered to attempt one.

I was also reminded often how much more together I seemed that other bmoms they dealt with (remember, this was largely foster care) and so it was almost implied that they had bigger things to deal with and I should just already be considered a "success" story since I appeared to have it all under control already. (Oh, and I know, classy having the SW tell me about other bmoms....)

[taramayrn]

Somedays it seems a little hopeless doesn't it? I guess we just keep shouting from the rooftops so that others who go after us do not have to experience the same injustices that some of us have experienced. Do we hope that those who are considering adoption will know they deserve better and will demand better from the adoption industry? Will that bring change?

So just a thought - really how can we change this? Do more first/birthparents need to go into the adoption field?! I don't know - anyone have any thoughts on that one?

[lahdh4]

The agency I went through offered 3 months of visits that were paid for in the fees for all that were adopting from them. Since I came to them after Supergirl was born all of my counseling has been post placement. The counselor I saw was from the agency and still is to this day since I don't like change or confrontation. Many may think that this is wrong but I am comfortable with her and don't have to tell my story to someone else who won't be able to understand.

[bromanchik]

I think it is because of the money issue and a certain ostrich, head-in-the-sand kind of attitude. They really do not want to know that any one struggles after placement. The placement is supposed to solve everyone's problems. If everybody is winning, why would they need any help?

BTW, I found post-placement lacking so much I worked with the agency to develop what became the Lifegiver's Festival. It did not take the place of therapy, but it did provide support. Too bad I don't have the time or emergy to continue it.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Oh no, Brenda. I didn't realize that it wasn't going to continue.