[thanksgivingmom]

Hello everyone, I'm posting this on behalf of one of our forum members. Thanks!


I would like everyone’s opinions on this.

Why is OK for a birthmom/firstmom to limit her contact in an OA but not OK for the adoptive parents? And we’re not talking emotional reasons like it’s too hard…

It’s simply a life choice that will lead to limited contact with her child and is outside of the original OA agreement. I know what would be said if an aparent did this…

But is it OK for the birthmom to do it? Especially if the adoptive parents wanted a very open adoption and that was a part of their matching criteria?

Looking for all opinions here so don't be shy!

[taramayrn]

Hmm, I don't know, gotta think a bit more on this one.

[BrandyHagz]

I don't think its right either way - period.

Although, I have made the decision to change the parameters of the open adoption I have with my daughter and her parents, due to boundary and safety issues.

It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make – but subjecting myself to the uncontrollable situation was, in my opinion, beyond the limitations that I need to subject myself and my family to.

I think there has to be reasonable lines in the sand – and if those lines are crossed, you should be able to make the best decision for you and your family (that goes for both sides).

Every time I hear about a first parent who closes an open adoption, I always wonder how much real research they did on OA or how much education was offered on OA by the placing agency.

OA is often presented as the ‘easier solution’ for most first parents – so when it’s unbelievably hard, they are often caught off guard. I am, by no means, making an excuse for anyone – simply say, that in many of these cases, they could be avoided with proper education and research.

[ValerieP]

My husband and I thought long and hard before we chose to find an open adoption... our daughter's firstmom and I have actually discussed the concern about problems in the relationship. What would we do if someday it was too hard on OUR daughter to continue a relationship. --- by the word OUR, I mean that she is both the firstmother's daughter and my husband's and my adaughter. It would be at that time that I would continue a relationship and an open line of communication with our daughter's firstmom until once again they are ready to work on a relationship.

I would truly be devistated if there was a decision to close our adoption... I would rather just consider a time of separation with the door proped open...

I hope that this comes across in the loving way that I feel about our extended family...

[Leigh131313]

No, it's not right. Unforunately, there just isn't much you can do about it. Just like when an aparent closes things down......

In my opinion it's never "ok" to go against your agreement - for either party. We all go into these trusting the other party will uphold their end. But like most things in life we really can't control what someone else does.

No matter how "right" you are, i just don't think you can force someone into a relationship...ya know?

[browneyes0707]

You've gotta talk it out. Just like I would hope an aparent would use closing an adoption as a last resort after all comunication has failed, I would say it's the same for a b parent. The whole premise of an open adoption is communication, and I think it's unfair when EITHER party closes something without communication and without trying to resolve those issues that might lead to the door to close.

My OA closed when I didn't know how to communicate my feelings, and my pulling back wasn't questioned. It's hard to look back and know that communicating on either side could have led to things staying open. Which is why I try my hardest to communicate now.

[blessedbybug]

I'm looking forward to what more of the first parents on this site have to say about this... the question hits very close to home for me and my kids.

[Archive]

Our daughter's firstmom requested a VERY open adoption and then after 6 months backed out. Haven't heard from her in over 5 yrs.

Is it right??? I didn't think so at the time. I begged her to keep in contact. I was saddened when she no longer felt that she could commit to the open relationship with her daughter and family.

I did however know that she was doing all that she could and gave all that she had to give at that time. She was not prepared to watch someone else raise her child and watch them make decisions that were maybe different than what she would choose. She was not prepared for the anger that would come out of her, not directed to anyone in particular, just raw anger. She needed space. Now I'm not sure if it is still that raw for her, or if she has slipped into a denial and just doesn't deal with it. She has told her other children that our daughter does not exist and they never had a sister. (Her sister was 5 at the time and remembers-she is not allowed to speak of our daughter)

I think maybe emotionally it took her to a place she just can't go to right now. I believe she will change her mind about contact some day. I hope she can find peace. I do not blame her for pulling away, but wish it did not have to be that way.

[RavenSong]

It’s simply a life choice that will lead to limited contact with her child and is outside of the original OA agreement. I know what would be said if an aparent did this…

It's hard to give an opinion on this issue without knowing what you mean by "a life choice". I mean, is the birthmom moving out of state or something? Is that why contact will be limited with your family?? The only other thing I can think of by "life choice" is that she's getting married, but I don't think future marriage would be "outside of the original OA agreement". Could you explain what type of a life choice is involved here?

[snaps]

Just like Blessedbybug this hits home for us as well. I am interested to here what the firstmoms have to say about this as well. Our DD's firstmom has never really held up with what was agreed upon. She is absent for months to a year or so (no contact at all) and then breezes back into our lives and says she wants a lot of contact and then a few e-mails later she is absent again. This has happened a few times. DD is only a little over 2 right now, but I am worried about what will happen when she is older. Too many promises have been broken in the past by the firstmom (I'm sending DD a present, pictures, a letter, or I'll e-mail every week, month, etc). I am worried this will upset DD in the future. I do have some contact with the extended family though and DD also has a full sibling which complicates the matter for both kids. If she is having a tough time dealing with things I wish she would just tell us she needs space. I don't push for contact, but I do tell her we are open to what she wants if she will just tell us. Whenever she does tell us then we don't hear from her. It is very confusing and upsetting to me. I know they love DD and wanted the best for both kids when DD was placed. I just keep reminding myself that they are very young. I have to agree with the original poster though that if an adoptive parent did this they would be chastised.

[Mommy24]

As a First mom I think both parties in the OA should be held to the same standards. Life happens, things change but in the end it is about the best interest of the child and that means making accomodations for the child. I would be interested in knowing more about the circumstances regarding the OP's situation, not to justify birth mom's actions but to understand more of what the agreement was, how much contact, visits, etc...

[belleinblue1978]

Yes first parents need to be held to the same standard. I do think however that people need to remember that as with any relationship, this one will ebb and flow. Even though I maintain contact fairly consistantly, that doesn't mean I like it, nor is it comfortable for me. I do it for my son.

I think one of the hardest things for all of the adult parties to remember is that there are things that there is NO WAY anyone can anticipate happening. In my case, there is no way that anyone could have anticipated that my firstfamily would choose to not have contact with me, therefore multiplying my adoption related grief. I could really use some time not focusing on any of it, but that won't happen, because I have made a commitment to my son.

I don't think there is anything wrong with modifying the kind of contact that you want. Pre adoptive parents are often given the advice to agree to the minimum amount of contact that they are comfy with. I wish that first parents were given this advice as well. Who would have known that I really wouldn't enjoy spending time around my kiddo's mom when we matched? I do it for him, but I don't enjoy so visits can be tortourous for me. And who would have known that I would break up with my boyfriend and I wouldn't have that support system? I now visit alone and come home to an empty house after a long drive. I didn't anticipate those things when we discussed our contact agreement.

I think that both parties have the right to modify agreements as their life changes. Closing an adoption isn't fair. My son's parents have cut his first dad out of his life. I don't like him granted, and I would only allow limited contact if I was raising kiddo, but what they are doing isn't fair either. He was never proactive, but neither are they.

It is so twisted and confusing and I've rambled.....

[loveajax]

In our OA agreement, the responsibilities (except for the visits) are on us. How is the child's birth mom "limiting contact" here? Less visits? I guess I would need to know the reasons why.

We are facing a hard situation now where DD's birth parents will not tell their daughters about DD for fear of their families finding out. I'm really sort of frustrated with this, and I am hoping on our visit next month, DD's birth parents realize this isn't really tenable. So in a sense any "decision" to limit contact based on what happens there is ours, I personally put the responsibility for it on the birth parents and that's disappointing too. As others have said, some pretty unexpected stuff tends to arise in life and I think very few people are adequately "prepared" by their agencies, etc. for the realities of OA.

[bromanchik]

I think that if birthparents are to be held to the same standard they need to have the same level of education around open adoption that adoptive parents get. One of the first things I ask an agency I am training is to show me the materials expectant parents get and those that adopting parents get. The discrepences are often horrendous. Even in the good agencies. The bottom line is that most expectant/new parents are not making fully informed choices because they are not getting enough information.

One big pet peeve: Expectant parents are always considered to need "counseling" and adopting parents are considered to need "education". I would love to see both parties get both counseling and education. One agency went so far as to provide my booklet "Birthparent Grief" to adopting parents and not to expectant/new/birthparents. Brother.

[Monique-]

I am a birthmother. My son is 9 years old.

It is absolutely NOT ok to limit contact!!!!

Open-adoption is about the child, first and foremost.

We are, ultimately, responsible for getting pregnant. Our children did not ask to be born. Once we decided to proceed with our pregnancies, we made a life long committment to these children. Whether we parent them or not.

These children also did not consent to being adopted. We again made that decision on their behalf. Children have a right to always know that they are loved by their birthfamilies. And this must be demonstrated and evidenced by all involved. They need this for their own psychological development and welfare.

If you are a birthmother who was not adopted yourself, then you need to remember that you will never share this experience with your child because it was not your experience. This is my circumstance. So, we all have an obligation to ensure that we adequately educate ourselves as to the specific needs of an adopted child.

Yes, it is not going to neccessarily be easy. But, again, this is not ultimately about us. It is about our children and their best interests. In this instance, we have an obligation to put their needs before ours.

If we are struggling to cope, then we have to take responsibility for this and seek out help and advice to assist us in meeting our obligations.

Both birthparents and a.parents need to be rigorously educated prior to any adoption proceeding as to what the roles and responsibilities are for all members of the adoption triad. And most importantly, all members must have a thorough understanding of the specific needs of an adopted child. This will help mitigate situations where the adoption closes or doesn't work out as initially planned.

I have experienced an open-adoption not working out as initially planned and, consequently, my child's best interests have not always been met. This was primarily due to an absolute lack of education at the start by all members of the adoption triad.


Note: I appreciate that if there are health and safety concerns for the children involved, then sometimes a difficult decision to limit contact by the birthfamilies might need to be taken. But anything less than this, is choosing to not met one's obligations.