[BrandyHagz]

I am feeling somewhat emotional today. It’s not been a good couple of months (six?) and it just seems to be getting worse and worse.

At any rate, since I started personal journaling, I’ve been reading more and more blogs out there, wondering what is on everyone’s mind. I’m an EOBR (Equal Opportunity Blog Reader) and will read just about anything related to adoption.

Sometimes, this offers great insight.

Then sometimes, it sends me spiraling out of control with frustration.

I read a blog yesterday in which a hopeful adoptive mom was talking about how she has a friend who is willing (!!!) to tattoo (!!!!) her infant (!!!!!) upon adoption…so that if s/he is ever kidnapped by the birth parents, they will be able to tell who their child is, since DNA testing isn’t an option in adoption.

!!!

Now, I know, honestly, that there have been extremely remote cases of abduction in infant adoption. So few, in fact, that I can only really think of one case in the last (decade?) however long I have been actively involved in Adoption Issues.

The case with that girl in Florida who surrendered then revoked her consent to terminate her parental rights to the twins she’d conceived using ART then placed for adoption in the midst of sever PPD. That’s the only one know about…and wow, aren’t those some very unique and extenuating circumstances that most (I’d venture to say almost ALL) first parents will never experience (the ART etc…).

At any rate – this ‘stereotyper’ was heavy on the comments about how these low life women (!!!) will steal and resale (RESALE!) their infants – and she wants to avoid that by placing a discreetly hidden tattoo on the infant she adopts. She used immunizations as justification for the pain…

She had LOTS of people who agreed…posting links to stories where children, still in foster care, were abducted by their parents. She had people wondering how they too could ‘protect their little investment’ (NOT my words) by doing the same.

How do we get through to these people? How can we really distinguish the difference for people who are clearly clueless.

I speak not only as a first parent – but by golly, as an adoptee too. A tattoo!?

Oh, when asked about legalities – she explained that parental consent was all that was required, if you had a willing artist.

I really wonder what she’ll tattoo? A barcode?

Ugh.

How do you deal with Stereotypers?

Anyone else noticed a HUGE influx of really ill-educated hopeful-members and members of the triad?

[paigeturner]

Brandy,

I’m so glad you posted this because stereotypes have been on my mind a lot lately; especially since I’ve been spending time back on the forums after a long absence. Being a first (original, natural, birth or insert title here ________) parent from the closed era, I spent years ignoring the fact that I had relinquished a child. Then, several years ago when I found this forum, I hadn’t really sorted out my feelings on the adoption. I’m not sure if I still have. I went back and read some of my very early posts a while ago and I know my views of adoption, especially closed adoptions, have changes a lot over the last couple of years since I’ve started searching for the son I placed almost 25 years ago.

To the topic of your thread, the stereotypes make me crazy. The statement, that we read over and over again – and heard over and over again while we were pregnant – “you are so brave, choosing to give your child a better life…” and all the variations of the statement set my teeth on edge now. Less than two years after I placed my son, I was married (not to his father) and had given birth to my oldest daughter. Three years later my youngest daughter was born.

We’ve built a fabulous life. My oldest daughter finished her BA last spring; my girls spent over three months backpacking Western Europe last year. They have become accomplished, wonderful, giving women. I’ve been married almost 24 years to a wonderful man and I’m still crazy about him. We have a beautiful home and live debt free. I have a career I love and earn a stupid amount of money.

So I wonder when ever I hear someone state the “better life” b.s….”how do you know? Was my son’s life better because he was raised by someone else?”

I think it’s easier for many members of the triad to rely on stereotypes…you know the ones….birthparents are irresponsible, drug addicts, poverty stricken, who are always trying to think of ways to steal our children back….Argg.

I’ll have more to say after I read a few responses…Yes, I’m a birthmom and I can read!

Tattooing an infant….that is truly sick.

[thanksgivingmom]

Oh Brandy, this makes me physically queasy. I too have been traveling around adoption blogs recently and have been mortified by some of the things I have come across, from offensive terms that families come up with to describe thier situation and "solidify thier bond" to perspectives about birthparents that are so full of stereotypes you have to question them.

I don't know WHAT to do...I comment *POLITELY* on the blog letting them know some of the problems with thier rationale, and my comment and occasionally the whole blog are deleted. I comment about it on MY personal blog, but I have the feeling that the people that NEED to read some of what we're saying aren't out searching firstmom blogs reading our perspective.

Tragically, I think some of them aren't reading adoptee blogs either - because if an adoptee is angry, well, that's not going to be THEIR child! They're going to raise their child differently, to be happy. It seems there's always a reason to discount the adoptee, which is so tragic.

It certainly feels like an uphill battle with no real game plan...

PS If you have the link to that blog I'd love it if you'd PM it to me...just curious to see it

[qs mom]

I'm on the other side. I'm an adoptive mom. To an International adoptee.

I too hate the way people speak about my son's birth mom. How dare they? I correct them.

They know nothing of her. But their words will be very hurtful to my son.

I always tell them that my son's mother took care of him as long as she could. She placed him in an orphanage to be sure he was taken care of and could be placed. My son is from an ethnic minority family. This ethnic group is severly discrimated against. There is a huge possiblity that they were homeless.

The only thing beside his life that this beautiful woman could give him was a name. That name is his birth name.

I've had people say to me "How could she have GIVEN him away? He's such a sweet child." As if that has anything to do with placing a child. Based on that theory, only rotten kids are placed - DUH!

I think everyone in the triad needs to speak up when they hear these thing, maybe enough people will hear that things will change.

[Oceans]

Of all the birthmom stereotypes out there.... This is the one I understand the least. A close second is that the birthmom will always actively try to (legally) get her baby back after TPR and will suceed.

But tattooing??? OMG!!! And, it begs the question WHY a DNA test and a valid set of of adoption papers wouldn't work but thats another debate I suppose...

At times I have a sneaking suspicious half of these stereotypers don't believe what they are saying. Their just yelling fire in the crowded theater.

What to do?... I agree with TGM, mobilize a force of birthmoms, adoptive parents, and adopted persons to leave strong, calm and rational comments to correct the stereotype. The truth, with a well regarded and sited source, can sometimes be helpful! But don't get your hopes up. Of course I only say this from my occasional attempt at on line news article smack-downs.

That said, I consider blog deletion a victory...

I would like to say that the agencies could do a better job at educating but then you have to consider the source when you hear things like "birthmoms are not as together as your friends and neighbors" or have suffered some sort of dysfunction in their own family...

I'm with Paige tho... I will never understand how we go from brave, responsible and caring women who only want the best for their child.... To irresponsible, low-lifes, who will spend the rest of our days haunting the adoptive parents... With just a signature.

Hopefully some else can it explain it to me as well...

[linda512]

As an adoptive mother, I am shocked by those words as well. I can't imagine how people who think that way get past the social workers and agency people. I guess if you adopt domestically you don't need a homestudy? Is that true?
Anyway, their are ignorant people everywhere, but it saddens me to think that people feel that way about adoption, especially people who are going to adopt.
I feel so lucky to have my son, and so sad that his birth mother had to make the choice that she did so she could feed her other children. I often think about what my then 7 year old nephew said when I told him about my son and why his mother made an adoption plan "but why can't you just send money to Guatemala so she can keep him?". If only it were so simple.

[Oceans]

I guess if you adopt domestically you don't need a homestudy? Is that true?

Yes, you do. But I really wanted to reply just to say that I think I'm in love with your little nephew!! How sweet is he???

[drasusi]

Brandy, glad you didn't keep that to yourself to stew about it. Needs to be here, where we can denounce the idiocy with you. May not be able to change it...but we can sure as heck agree with you that it is sick and misguided.
Ick.

[browneyes0707]

That's just disgusting. But I hate to say it, I'm not suprised. I just had a little "incident" with my blog where a woman linked to me to illustrate how she was glad she adopted internationally so that she didn't have to deal with birthmothers if she chose domestic adoption.

I thought about it, and I'll tell you, it wasn't that she perpetuated a stereotype about me that bothered me (much). It's that those who stereotype also help to perpetuate the negative stereotypes about THEMSELVES. How many adoptive mothers have fought against being lumped together as paranoid and insecure? That are out to go to any lengths to adopt a child, no matter what means necessary? Who fear the presence of a birthmother so much they would go through great steps to keep the child from knowing them? And then someone goes and writes a blog like that and it helps to negate all that they have fought against without even realizing it. Worse, they validate the stereotype for others who might be searching for info or expericences in order to make their own choices. And given the anoniminity of the internet, they go full on no filter, usually becuase they don't have the guts to be that vocal in real life (imagine being the friend of a woman who wanted to tatoo their child like Lo-jack?) They think they are painting birthmothers in a bad light, however what they don't realize is what they are doing is reflecting negatively on them too. And adoption as a whole. It's sad really, for everyone.

And to boot people support them.

All I can do is attempt to enlighten those who want to be enlightened. Those who don't want to see another side of the triad, won't, and they have only their simplemindedness to blame.

And there are a lot of simple minds out there!

[linda512]

Originally Posted by Oceans

Yes, you do. But I really wanted to reply just to say that I think I'm in love with your little nephew!! How sweet is he???

He is pretty amazing! You should hear the rest of what he says. Including that we should talk about Benji being adopted because otherwise Benji will think it something to be ashamed of!

[taramayrn]

How disgusting is that?! So sad....

There are some people who are unwilling to learn from others and I believe, there is nothing I can do to teach them otherwise. Those people aren't worth my time or energy.

Like Brown, and I'm sure others have posted, I focus my energies on those who are willing to learn.

Maybe by knowing a "normal" birthmother, whatever the heck that is, it might make some more willing to learn and be more open to hearing how it really is.

[MamaS]

Oceans - It must vary by state. In Georgia a homestudy is NOT required for a private adoption. It can be ordered at the discretion of the judge, but usually is NOT, unless say it was a kinship adoption and there were two families who were kin vying for the child.
I adopted my grandson simply by having a lawyer go before the judge, basically three times. One to get custody; then a year later to get guardianship; then a year later to complete an adoption and name change.
The birth parents (and their attorneys) were present at the first and second hearings, but no-shows at the third, so TPR took place immediately before the adoption.

[lonni]

It is physically abusive IMO. Tatoos are painful and this would be traumatic. Shame on her and those who agreed. JMO

[Oceans]

Thanks MamaS... I stand corrected.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by lonni

It is physically abusive IMO. Tatoos are painful and this would be traumatic. Shame on her and those who agreed. JMO

Seriously! And justifying it by saying it's like an immunization?? It's a LOT more painful and doesn't serve any sort of purpose - oh, well, except to protect the child from us crazy birthmoms.