[ellemeth]

It’s been ages since I posted but usually, I don’t feel much of a need to post. There are others here with far more experience. What’s 4 years post placement when others have had a decade?

I have a daughter (“S”) who is 6 that I parent and my life is pretty stable now. A lot more so than 3 years ago. I’m engaged to a wonderful man, busy most of the time, and have bought a small house.

With the first child I placed (now age 4), no identifying information was disclosed but they live within an hour or so of me and we communicate by email and arrange visits every 8 to 12 weeks at the whim of the a-mom.

With my second placed child (age 3), we don’t’ have as many visits, usually only once a year but we call, write, send post cards and in general communicate more in other ways.

Both seem to work fairly well. Recently, I even had a visit with both families at once. Talk about emotional overload…

Visits are still hard after all this time…but they are getting more relaxed with only a few really tense emotional moments.

The 4 year-old at an October visit was chatting with my 6-year-old an they were discussing sleepovers while I chatted with J’s parents. Suddenly S called to me and said, “When can J have a sleepover?” I looked at J’s mom who gave me no clue and back to the girls who were looking at me with identical big eyes and said, “You’re both pretty young, maybe if it’s okay with J’s parents we can talk about It when you’re older.” This seemed to satisfy them and J’s mom and I discussed when we had our first sleepover that wasn’t at Grandma’s house and similar things. I was worried and stressed about the idea a the time but the panic passed. After all, they probably wouldn’t even remember it in a week, right?

Wrong. At the visit this weekend, they brought it up again, this time by asking if S could sleep over at J’s house. J’s mom fielded the question with “someday when you’re older,” but the girls pressed to know how old they had to be. I spent the rest of the visit tensed, an emotional storm waiting to happen. I can deal with S maybe spending the night there in a few years. I trusted them with J and for one night, if it will make the girls happy to have a “sister sleepover” I can let S go. I may be an emotional wreck and spend the entire time in bed drinking hot cocoa but I can cope.

What I can’t cope with is even the thought of J spending the night here. The very thought fills me with panic. I can’t deal. I can’t. How can they ask this of me? First yearly visit and then every 3 months and now sometimes as close as a month apart, we do visits.

Deep breaths, you can deal with this, I tell myself, and I can…because her parents feel it’s best to have more frequent visits and I entrusted them with her care. If they feel it’s best, I support them 100% even if it hurts me sometimes. But I can’t do overnight visits. I can’t. I know it might be years in the future yet…but I can see it coming and I am terrified. I would like to just tell them, that I can’t do it. Can’t even think about it for now, may never be able to agree to it. But then, I feel guilty. What right do I have to refuse a sleepover if her parents are willing to let he do it? Will it mess her up and ruin the foundation we’ve been building?

Can anyone who has done sleepovers with a placed child give me a hint on how to cope with the idea and/or the reality? Or conversely, can anyone give me suggestions with how to explain, gently that I can’t deal with sleepovers?

[taramayrn]

I have never had an overnight visit with my son. I think you need to be honest with his mom and then work together to come up with an appropriate response.

[bromanchik]

My son was 8 when we started with sleepovers.