[gracesbmom1213]

I've been battling with this for a little while now.....but it's really come to a head the last week and a half..... Let me start from the beginning (shortened version). I placed DD in an open adoption almost 6 years ago. For the last 6 years the AP's have been dangling her in front of me like a carrot and playing these games.... It has been a very emotional roller coaster for me, and for the 4 years for my husband... Things really started to get better the last two years, I got married (they didn't come) but bought us a gift and the phone calls were great..... I gave birth to my son Logan 8 months ago.... and it started out great, we would have visits and spend more time together (5-6 hours vs. 2 hours before).

I called the AP's almost 2 weeks ago, and I haven't gotten a phone call back. They normally call me back within 2 - 3 days MAX..... but still no word....and I'm sitting here waiting for the phone to ring.....it's another game.....

I've been worried ever since my son was born that he would get hurt by their games....and he's young enough now that it doesn't phase him....... but I've had enough..... I love DD and I want to stick it out, but I don't know if I can handle the emotions over and over again like this..... I do know I don't want my son to see me get so upset about DD and this back and fourth game they love to play with me....

So do I walk away??? I'm seriously considering this b/c I need to protect my son, my fear is that this will continue and down the road these games will hurt him...... I'm not the 22 y/o little girl I was when I placed her, I'm now a wife and a mom and my priorities have changed.. Don't get me wrong DD is a priority and always will be.....but I've fought to keep this adoption open for almost 6 years now...... When do you say enough is enough???? When do you say I have no fight left in me????

Anyone have any advice????

[KatiesEd-dad]

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, Sarah but I will say that we are experiencing the same thing, just in total reverse. We are aparents to a beautiful, smart, wonderful little girl. Our DD's birthmother want's to have absolutely nothing to do with her. She views our daughter as something she expelled from her body and needed to be gotten rid of.

We did have contact with the birth grandparents but they were playing games, saying they cared about our daughter and respected us as her parents and then they would take pot shots at my wife and then tell me something totally different. When my wife had had enough, she confronted them with their behavior and they totally denied they ever said the things they did. The last straw was when my wife asked them that if anything ever happened to us, would they take our DD and raise her. The b-grandfather replied "No way, the adoptions final...she's your problem now" So much for loving, caring grandparents.

Sorry I got off on a tangent there. All I was thinking is that it would be nice if our daughter's bmom was someone like you. Someone who cared and loved their child.

As far as cutting off contact with the aparents. I would try and stick it out for as long as you can. It's obvious that you love your DD and I'm sure she would like you to stick around. Maybe there's something going on in their lives right now that's making them do what their doing. The next time you talk to them you could try starting an open and honest dialog about what's going on.

Wish I could offer more sage advice but I'm afraid that's it. Wishing you well in this, hope everything works out.

[Juliana13]

Tough position to be in...

Do you have some kind of "contract" or agreement with them? Like a certain number of visits or certain amount of contact? If so, maybe you can sit down and have a talk withthem about honoring the agreement, and deciding on visits and calls - scheduling them, so there is not this uncertainty that you have to deal with.

If you have no agreement, but are just winging it, and are at the whim of her parents, then a sit-down conversation is still may be a good idea. You can tell them you are having a hard time with the uncertainty, and you know they don't know for sure what times and dates will work, but could you work out something you can count on. A minimum of __ number of visits per year, - with more if they want, phone call once a month, or whatever. Tell them it's for your son, not you. So that he won't be confused or hurt by the on-again off-again nature of this relationship.

Maybe they are just flaky people, and are a little clueless in how it affects you. Or maybe they are dangling her knowingly, which is totally inappropriate.

If you DO decide to back away, then maybe write a letter to your daughter telling her why. - to give her when she is old enough to ask why you faded out of her life. And write a letter for her to have now telling her how much you love her, and always will.

Good luck. and Hugs.

[gracesbmom1213]

Thank you for your honest posts...... I do have a 'contract' but in IL it's not legally binding, which I don't like...... I have been trying to stick it out for 6 years now, this back and forth behavior from them. I have lost sleep over it, I've cried more tears over this relationship then I ever did for her birthfather...... or any relationship....I just don't know if I have anymore fight left in me......

[loveajax]

gracesbmom, are they not meeting the terms of the contract (even if it is unenforceable?).

i am the person Juliana describes...I'm pretty flaky (a mom). I DO however live up to all the terms of the OA. We do have more contact than is "required" (which I am glad about), but there are times things just get kind of nutty and I may not return a phone call for a few days (though I agree 2 weeks is too long to sit and wait).

I know you are frustrated, but I don't think you really want to abandon your OA, do you? i think all OAs have "sunshine" periods and "cloudy" periods, and it seems to me you are just in a cloudy period now...anyway, good luck!!!

[taramayrn]

Sarah - first off congratulations on your marriage and new son!

Secondly - I'm sorry the adoptive parents are playing mind games with you. I personally do not believe that you should close the adoption. I realize that you must protect your parented child and his emotions. I also believe this is important and should be your priority. I also believe that you have made a committment to your placed child and you need to stay involved in the child's life in some way or another. I would encourage you to write the adoptive family a letter and explain your feelings to them. I would encourage you to continue to send pictures and letters to your daughter and her family. That way you are not closing the adoption, but you are also protecting your son and his feelings. I hope that in time the adoptive parents will be able to handle the responsibilities of the open adoption.

[bromanchik]

Do you even know if they got the message? My machine/voice mail has eaten messages before.

Walking away now would be devistating to your DD. What does your contract say... interms on contact? What haven't they done?

[gracesbmom1213]

Tara ~ Thank you for your response and well wishes, I know I shouldn't walk away and close the adoption, but am I supposed to go through these games consistantly. I wish my leaving would be devistating to Grace, but I'm afraid that it wouldn't be...... she wouldn't know me walking down the street...... she has no pictures of me up in her room, all of my pictures are in a separate photo album that I doubt they show her...... Every present I buy her gets put in a box...... So I started buying her toys and playing with the toys with her before her parents could take them away...... I'm not someone special in Grace's life I'm just someone she sees a few times a year...... And we do the same things over and over again......

Brenda~ I'm not sure if they got the message, I do wish there was a way for me to find out...... I'm afraid to call again b/c I don't like to be pushy with them, when I get pushy they start to pull away.....

I'm going to therapy tonight and my therapist is a former birthmother counselor for the Cradle and she's been my therapist for 5 years now, she'll yell at me and tell me not to dare walk away.....

Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it

[taramayrn]

Open adoption is hard and it can be painful. We stay because in the long run it's best for our child, not us.

[aclee]

and I am not adopted, but I am a child of divorce. My father got custody of my sister and I, and he remarried. I saw very little of my mother growing up. She was not spoken about positively in my house hold. Now that I am an adult, I have formed my own relationship with her. She says they jerked her and her family around a lot. She says she and her parents (my grandparents) called often and were denied their request to speak with us, and denied visits. They were allowed to see us, when it was convienient for my dad and step mother, when they wanted to go on vacation, alone. Eventually they stopped calling, and only saw us when my step mother contacted them. My mother did write us occasionally, and I know those letters were given to us. I wish she had written more. She says she just gave up, and wanted to protect her new children from the Chaos (however you spell that). I do have a good relationship with her now, but I do wish she had made continued to make the effort when I was younger. I wish that I could know in my heart that I was loved as much as her other children. For me, when I was younger it was very much (to me) that I was "not worth the effort" and since I was in a house that supported that thought, it really stuck. It seems like your birth daughter is also in a house that may support that in her realtionship with you. I think you can protect your son, and continue to protect your daughter's right to know you love her. KWIM?

Take Care

[m-mom]

wow! when i read your post i could relate soooo much. i can relate to what your going through. my son's b-family plays games too. they say they will call, and dont...they cut visits short...thay make comments that crush me , they NEVER introduce me to other people, i have to make ALL the effort for the relationship ( visits and phone calls) and there is not one picture of me...UGH i feel you!

Recently i put the ball in their court. I wrote a b-day card to my son ( he is 9, i had him at 17) and I told him how special he was and how much i loved him and i gave him my address and phone number and asked him to call me when he wanted a b-day visit.

I do not judge you. i completly understand how a ONE SIDED relationship can be sooooo painful. Best of luck in any decision you make!!

[loveajax]

mmom, did your son have your number/address previously (and use it to call/write letters)? i just ask this, because, if not, i would think about asking your son to call you for a visit (I know it's already done)...it may not be his "call" to make and, if not, he may feel really guilty/sad, etc. because he may be powerless to arrange a visit. it really seems like putting a burden on a 9 year old (I know you want him to know that you care and want to be there for him, but i'm just wondering if there would be a better way...). good luck. i know you are frustrated.

[m-mom]

loveajax-
yes, my b-son has written me in the past and called and we had our last visit in June. Our adoption is completly open.
By giving him my # and address, my itention was not to completly put the burden of arranging a visit on him, but to allow him to to have some input in our relationship. If he is missing me and would like to see me, i would like for him to feel like he can let me know that because as i stated before, i'm emotionally exausted in putting 100% of the effort into the triad.

I'm sure there was a better way to handle it. I'm just not sure what? i have been doing the calling, arranging, driving etc for nine years and i would like some more input from their side...but i'm not sure how. any suggestions???

[loveajax]

m-mom, that seems different to me (the fact that he already had your number and address). and i'm sure it's helpful for him to know how much you love him and want to see him. i just am always concerned that kids sense when the adults in their lives aren't really getting along....i don't know if I have any better suggestion than maybe trying to get a third party involved with you and his a parents (SW, mediator or something)....Good luck!

[agathaj]

Gracesbmom and m-mom, I would keep up the card and even post a cool toy or magazine or whatever is age appropriate ie stickers or whatever on a regular basis. I have done that, I sometimes got thank you notes. BTW I have to nagg my kept daughter to write thank you notes and letters to relatives. But she LOVES getting letters in the mail and emails....