[SchmennaLeigh]

Gah.

I hate it.

I was at a Grandma Shower (best and cutest little idea EVER) this afternoon and was being asked questions about this pregnancy. Only one woman there, a friend of mine, knew about the Munchkin as I'm not close with some of these women. It was then assumed that this pregnancy is my second and blahblablah. It wasn't my party nor was I related to any guest of honor and I didn't want to make it an All-About-Jenna's-Adoption-Story moment. I just smiled and nodded.

I hate the way that I feel.

I seriously feel sick.

I hate doing or saying anything that basically voids my daughter's existence. I feel sleezy and fake. I feel like a bad mother. I feel like I have dishonored my daughter. AUGH.

I'm not very happy with myself today even though I know, logically, that I was within my rights to slip into private mode. Blah. My tummy really feels awful.

[browneyes0707]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I know easier said than done, and I know that feeling well, since I've not told very many people about DD. I dread when I start my family and everyone will assume it's my first. It's going to be hard, I know for the same reasons.

But as you said, you didn't feel it was the forum to go into "Adoption 101" , you felt it was more important to let the guest of honor have the spotlight, as it should have been. It was the appropriate thing to do. You are certainly not a bad mother. And you CERTAINLY did not disgrace Munchkin. It is your right to tell the details of your life to whom you see fit when you see fit.

(((HUGS)))

[zxczxcasdasd]

Frankly, asking questions about pregnancy and kids to people you don't know just isn't really a good idea, and I don't think anyone should feel obligated to tell the whole truth to people they don't know.

If people ask my aunt and uncle how many kids they have, they say 2, without qualifying it that there are 3 gravesites both painful and precious to them where 3 other of their children lay, 2 infants and a young adult. Because anyone who knows and loves them already knows this information, and anyone who doesn't know and love them, doesn't need to know.

There was more involved here than Munchkin, too. I know this is not your third pregnancy, because there was another between your 2 boys. I cringe to bring that up, but my point is that it's not dishonoring your angel to not feel obligated to bring that up in a casual party-chat amosphere. I don't think staying quiet is dishonoring either of your girls. It's just letting strangers carry on a little with their own misconceptions because your private personal life is not really any of their business. Anyone who knows and loves you knows about Munchkin and your angel and anyone who doesn't, doesn't need to know.

Don't beat yourself up just because other people unknowingly put in you an awkward situation.

[belleinblue1978]

When people start talking about their children, I rarely mention kiddo. Partly b/c I don't have the energy to educate everyone... and partly b/c I don't like the looks and the questions.

It's ok that you don't tell everyone, don't worry about it.

[Jackiejdajda]

I think you are bound to be triggered when things like this happen..

Jackie

[crick]

Maybe change your perspective on this?

To make it about you would have been rude and overshadowed the shower/guest of honor. And to make Munchkin the topic of things involving people who don't even know you or her, that to me would produce more bad feelings. I don't know about you, but I HATE being the topic of conversation amongst strangers when I'm not there. It bugs the heck out of me. I don't mean a mention etc., just mean everyone knowing my business can irk me at times.

I understand you don't want to treat her as a secret or appear to be ashamed because you are not. Sometimes though, our lives cannot always be about adoption and the things that come with it.

You wouldn't discuss other personal things at a shower either, right? It's not the right time to bring it up, and it's your private business. Same rule applies here, imo.

So perspective wise...you respected the guest of honor, you respected your daughter's privacy and you also know in your own heart how you feel about her. The silent love is more powerful than we often think.

((HUGS))

[HBV]

Originally Posted by crick

Maybe change your perspective on this?

To make it about you would have been rude and overshadowed the shower/guest of honor. And to make Munchkin the topic of things involving people who don't even know you or her, that to me would produce more bad feelings. I don't know about you, but I HATE being the topic of conversation amongst strangers when I'm not there. It bugs the heck out of me. I don't mean a mention etc., just mean everyone knowing my business can irk me at times.

I understand you don't want to treat her as a secret or appear to be ashamed because you are not. Sometimes though, our lives cannot always be about adoption and the things that come with it.

You wouldn't discuss other personal things at a shower either, right? It's not the right time to bring it up, and it's your private business. Same rule applies here, imo.

So perspective wise...you respected the guest of honor, you respected your daughter's privacy and you also know in your own heart how you feel about her. The silent love is more powerful than we often think.

((HUGS))

So nicely said, Crick. I second.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Thanks Crick and all. It's just frustrating sometimes. I love and cherish my daughter so much... and I hate being put in positions like these. They've become fewer and farther between since I started saying home with Nick... but I guess I'll never fully escape them. Sigh!

[leakaye]

Hi Jenna,
You sound just like me. I also get very distressed when I have to lie about my little boy. I feel so guilty already, and now I feel guilty because I can't share my love for him to the world. It's a secret love, bounded by society and hidden by me. You are right, it makes a sick feeling in the stomach, hiding this huge secret is a burden that we have to carry fo the rest of our lives. My maid of honour doesn't even know. I used to tell everyone when I went back to school after the adoption, and people hurt me, so badly. They used my weekness against me and it was torture. I lost a lot of friends and was unable to trust people anymore. I felt safer when people didn't know. I didn't want to share him anymore, he was my little boy, and I already share him with his aparents, there is no room for anyone else. And besides, it just freaks people out. They don't know what to say, they just stutter and make wincing noices. I even had someone just walk away once. They just couldn't handle it. I finally had to move.....so I hopped an ocean and now live over 10,000 miles away. I had to realise that an open adoption IS open...between the aparents and the bparents, not with the world. It just doesn't work. I know how you feel. It's not easy, and I'm right there with you! Big Hugs. xxx Lea

[AuntPeach]

Oh, my Dear! Please don't do that to yourself. My 47 year old brother was adopted when he was 14 months old. He was and is the joy of our lives. We give praise and thanks for his birth mother who loved him well and saw that he had the care she could not give him.

Every Mother's Day our mother remembered and honored my brother's birth mother. Our mother is gone now but we as siblings have not forgotten the treasured and cherished gift we were given in our mutual mother and our brother's birth mother. We honor them both and never forget them.

People are often insensitive through ignorance. It is not a betrayal or a dishonor to your child to protect her privacy as well as your own. It is a further gift of love and if I may presume, I honor you for that. Lay the guilt down. It is false and unearned.

Warmly, Aunt Peach

[kakuehl]

Jenna,
For most of the last 35 years, I have chosen carefully how to answer the question of the number of pregnancies/children I have had. Since my marriage and birth of my other two children I have often said, "My husband and I have two children." I have chosen when to add, "and I placed my firstborn for adoption when I was in college." As has been stated, it's not something I choose to say to everyone. Since D and I have been in reunion, I've been more upfront about him. There have been times that I just don't have the energy to deal with someone and I don't mention it. (I do understand that sick feeling, btw)

I had an interesting experience this spring; my husband and I were having dinner with friends. I was wearing my "adoption" necklace. The waitress commented on it and asked if I was adopted or had adopted a child. When I said I was a birthmother she backed away immediately and avoided me the rest of the evening.

I once had a professor who told me when I had to deal with the candidacy committee for seminary, that while I should be truthful, I didn't need to open my coat and say shoot me here. In some settings, to talk about our birth children is to open our coats and say "shoot me here."

[mom2justynsarah]

Jenna,

You did the right thing. You didn't dishoner your daughter. In fact, you protected her (as a mother should). You did not open the door for strangers to say ignorant things (about you or her). KWIM?

[kmsga]

For what it's worth, Jenna--IMO you are totally entitled to be private about Munchkin whenever and wherever you feel you need to be, and, again, IMO, it doesn't diminish the love you have for her. I can sort of relate to what you're saying: when people who don't know I lost a son ask if E is my oldest; are E and Q my only kids, etc....it used to tear me up not to acknowledge K; like he didn't exist, or wasn't a part of my life/heart. But a lot of times, it's not appropriate, to them or to me, to get into the whole heartbreak of it all, so I don't.
Okay, please know I have no wish to hijack this thread. I do have a question, though, about how those of you who are firstmoms here would want someone to respond when they learn you ARE a firstmom. I'm thinking mostly of what Kathy said about her experience w/the waitress and the adoption necklace [quoting here] "When I said I was a birthmother she backed away immediately and avoided me the rest of the evening."
At first I thought, well, that was rather rude of her to ignore you like that, and then I thought...hmm, what would I have said?? What is a good response? What would you, as a firstmom, want someone to say in that situation? I so wouldn't want to offend anyone...and I can't come up with anything that sounds right to me: "Congratulations" is hardly appropriate; "I'm sorry" doesn't work...I'm really stuck here.
I know there is no ONE answer, and obviously the firstmoms here are not THE VOICE of firstmoms everywhere, but I'm just curious how those of you here would feel. If this needs to be a new thread, that's fine.
I just would really like to know, so when/if the situation comes up, I can have a clue and not hurt someone's heart with an inappropriate response.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by kmsga

Okay, please know I have no wish to hijack this thread. I do have a question, though, about how those of you who are firstmoms here would want someone to respond when they learn you ARE a firstmom. I'm thinking mostly of what Kathy said about her experience w/the waitress and the adoption necklace [quoting here] "When I said I was a birthmother she backed away immediately and avoided me the rest of the evening."
At first I thought, well, that was rather rude of her to ignore you like that, and then I thought...hmm, what would I have said?? What is a good response? What would you, as a firstmom, want someone to say in that situation? I so wouldn't want to offend anyone...and I can't come up with anything that sounds right to me: "Congratulations" is hardly appropriate; "I'm sorry" doesn't work...I'm really stuck here.
I know there is no ONE answer, and obviously the firstmoms here are not THE VOICE of firstmoms everywhere, but I'm just curious how those of you here would feel. If this needs to be a new thread, that's fine.
I just would really like to know, so when/if the situation comes up, I can have a clue and not hurt someone's heart with an inappropriate response.

I think you're right.. this could be a different thread. But my quick answer: I didn't think the waitress was trying to be rude... I felt she was embarassed and didn't know how to respond. It was just such a complete change from her original attitude. I think it's safe to assume that if I am (or someone else is)wearing an adoption necklace, I'm (they're) willing to talk about it!

[gracesbmom1213]

I love Grace, no one can tell me different......but there are times and certain situations where I mention I only have one child (my son)....... not b/c I'm ashamed of my adoption/decision, but b/c it's very personal to me and I'm very guarded when it comes to my adoption. Don't feel bad, don't beat yourself up over it...... Every birthmother has to go through this at one point or another....