[SchmennaLeigh]

As we learned in Chapter Ten of Lifegivers (read about it on the blog), there's no real way to "define" the "role" of birth parents in open adoption. Birth parents are unique. Adoptive parents are unique. The relationship that they form in OA is unique. No two situations are going to look the same.

However, I don't think that means that we can't learn from one another. I'm sure that we've all had successes and made mistakes in our open adoptions and from those things, we can pass a bit of wisdom on to others who have yet to deal with that issue or who are yet to come.

And so, some questions:

1. What has been your biggest success as a birth parent in OA with the relationship you have formed with the adoptive parents? How about your biggest success with your child?

2. What has been your biggest mistake as a BP in OA with the relationship you have formed with the adoptive parents? How about your biggest mistake with your child?

3. Has your OA gone according to the "plan" you (collectively) had in mind when you began the relationship? If not, have you been able to uphold the values that underlie the open adoption?

4. What are some things that birth parents can do to feel secure in the "role" of birth parent, even though it isn't clearly defined? What are some things that adoptive parents could do, on their end, to help us a bit with that security? Is it possible to ever feel 100% secure as a BP in OA? Why or why not?

And anything else you want to discuss about responsibility, role and the like.

[taramayrn]

Jenna - tough questions. I've got to think about them.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

3. Has your OA gone according to the "plan" you (collectively) had in mind when you began the relationship? If not, have you been able to uphold the values that underlie the open adoption?

At the moment this is the only I can really answer. No it hasn't gone according to plan or what I thought would happen. I hold up my end of the deal, they don't hold up theirs. I thought it would be a 50/50 relationship and it is more 85/15 on my part to get visits and any contact with them at the moment.

[taramayrn]

1. What has been your biggest success as a birth parent in OA with the relationship you have formed with the adoptive parents? How about your biggest success with your child?

I think this may sound silly, but for me it was when my son's mom said to me "you're T's bmom but so much more". That made me feel so good to hear that I was also considered a friend, or part of the family.
I think with my child, is that he is completely himself around us. He isn't shy, etc.

2. What has been your biggest mistake as a BP in OA with the relationship you have formed with the adoptive parents? How about your biggest mistake with your child?

I suppose, that I looked to them to give me all the validation I needed in my role as a birthmom in my son's life. Some of that validation needed to come with me. With my child? That's a tough one, not sure if I can think of anything right now.

3. Has your OA gone according to the "plan" you (collectively) had in mind when you began the relationship? If not, have you been able to uphold the values that underlie the open adoption?

You know, the path it's on is better than I had in mind when we first began the relationship. We are comfortable with each other, and at some level we are family.

4. What are some things that birth parents can do to feel secure in the "role" of birth parent, even though it isn't clearly defined? What are some things that adoptive parents could do, on their end, to help us a bit with that security? Is it possible to ever feel 100% secure as a BP in OA? Why or why not?

I think that the important thing when defining the role, birthparents need to keep the best interest of their child in mind. Also respecting the family unit is very important. It is also important to discuss what the role should be with the adoptive parents. I do believe that both parties need to validate each other in their roles. It is so important to hear that you are doing the right thing.
As for the 100% comfort thing, I'm not sure...I suppose it's possible, but as with most relationships there are times of doubt, conflict, etc.