[OddyseyT]

I gave two kids up for open adoption. They were daughters.

The first was in 1990. She's going to be 18 next year. Her name is Chelsey. It was an open adoption. When she was born, I was engaged to a real jerk. He was a fat slob and a bum, too. He was also sexually abusive. I was 20 at the time and didn't think I deserved any better. But, I didn't trust him with a baby. We had very little money. I was working for minimum wage most of the time and he rarely worked. So, I talked him into giving up our unborn child for adoption.

We met a girl named Christie who said her much older cousin was looking to adopt a baby. She was too old for the adoption agencies to approve her. (She was 40 at the time). So I contacted her and told her that I was looking for adoptive parents for my baby. I asked her a lot of questions. She lived in CA at the time, and was married. I agreed to adopt my daughter to her.

She came and got my daughter when she was a day old. Later, Leslie, the adoptive mom, moved to Washington where I was living at the time. She also got divorced. The main problem with her is, after her divorce, she stopped sending pictures as was agreed. I still haven't got any pictures. I've talked to her several times since then, and she always says she'll send pictures, but never does. I've sent my daughter letters and birthday and Christmas gifts periodically over the years. Apparently, Chelsey is uncomfortable with this (according to Leslie). Maybe, she feels I'm pressuring her to have a relationship with me. But, I've sent her stuff anyway.

I'm also an adoptee, twice adopted. My father never sent me anything when I was living with my adoptive parents. Later, he adopted me when I was ten. I resented him for never communicating with me. Now, that I know what he is like, I'm glad he never did. But, I didn't want my daughter to resent me for the same reason. I think it's a good idea to let her know that I love her periodically even if she's not receptive to it. The last thing I sent her was Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. I don't know if she's enjoying it.

My second daughter I gave birth to in October, 1997. I had her in my custody for about four months.

You see, I have paranoid schizophrenia, which really started to develop after she was born. I started hearing voices, noises, and getting paranoid. It didn't help that her father is a convicted date rapist, and I was being stalked by three men at the time. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time, and convinced I was being hunted by vampires, I took off hitchiking across the country. I was picked up in Missoula, MT after talking about the vampires. They took my daughter and placed her in foster care.

I halfheartedly tried to commit suicide; I took a small bottle of sleeping pills. Then I went to the hospital where they strapped me down and put tubes in my nose. After that, they put me in the hospital. They diagnosed me with psychosis not otherwise specified. They treated me with Haldol. I got weekly visits with Aeyre, my daughter.

After I was discharged from the hospital, I went back to Washington state. My daughter arrived in Washington about a month later. I really missed her during this time. She was again put in foster care. I got weekly supervised visits with her. One thing I don't understand is why the biological father got unsupervised visits with her. He smokes crack and is a convicted rapist. I was completed disgusted with the social worker who made that decision.

The weekly visits went on for about a year, during which time I finished a quarter of college and learned to put up a website. Finally, in denial about my mental illness, and refusing to go to treatment for smoking marijuana, I agreed to adopt her out to the foster family. I asked them not to change her first and middle names. They agreed to this. They also agreed to send pictures regularly. The pictures stopped after she was six years old. But she still has the names I gave her. I was also sending her letters and gifts. But, the adoptive family went to England in 2004 and said they'd be back in Washington in two years. I haven't heard from them since.

Now, I've been clean and sober for five years, and am no longer in denial about my illnesses which include PTSD, paranoid schizophrenia and major depression. I'm often thankful I gave my daughters up for adoption considering the extent of the "nervous breakdown" I suffered. Also, I gave them up for adoption because I wanted to protect them from both their fathers and poverty. But, I do miss them quite often. It was hard giving up a 16 month old for adoption. I really missed her for the first couple of years. I used to dream I was holding her.

This is my story. Maybe someone can relate? Thanks for reading all this.

[taramayrn]

Welcome to the forums Theresa. I hope you will find the support that you need.

While I cannot relate to your specific experience, I can relate to not having my child with me everyday. I know the pain and loss that can bring.