[Patty-cake]

My daughter was born during the closed adoption era when even my own mother was not allowed to be with me during labor and I was knocked out during the delivery. That- thank God- is a thing of the past.


I have read several references to a.parents being present during the delivery and I wonder how you feel about it. Who's idea was it? If asked would you have felt free to refuse?


I can't imagine myself being comfortable with this. I would liked to have had my mother, sister, best friend or her b.father (if he wasn't a jerk) there for support but childbirth is so personal- and let's face it not a time to have to put on your best face. While in nursing school I heard many nice ladies scream, curse and threaten their husbands while bringing babies into this world. These wemen felt free because those around were people that were there for them as well as the babies they were delivering.


Maybe I would feel diferently in your shoes. I have never even met my daughter's a.parents. I'm mainly just curious but also want to stay vigilant.

[thanksgivingmom]

I gave birth completely alone, so I didn't have to worry about there being too many people around. Having said that, I do not think I could have shared the actual birth with the afamily. There are many times that now, post-placement, I feel like dd's amom has the upper hand and I would feel afraid to refuse something, like a visit. However, in that moment of birth, I don't think I would have wanted people watching me. Not because it's something I wouldn't want my daughters parents to get to experience, but because I'm a very private person, and don't ever like for anyone to see me in any pain.

[spitzlvr]

I think it is personal preference. When I had my bio-kids I only wanted my dh there. I was allowed to have another person if I chose, but I wasn't comfortable with my Mom there. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, and wanted her there right after, but not during. My nurses were great - they took the hit, and told my parents the rule was 1 person in the room.

So, it depends on the person, IMHO

[BrandyHagz]

I was the asker - I asked my daughters parents (Both) to be in and film the delivery.

They did.

I also asked my daughters mom to attend birthing classes and be my coach - she did and was.

I had cultivated a close relationship with both and was very excited to have them in there - they were my champions and made sure everything was being done that needed to be done and that my needs/wants were being respected.

I was very happy to have them there and wouldn't change a single thing about the birth of our daughter...

Now, had they been the ones that asked...I don't know how I would have felt...I asked because I wanted to...I might have felt pushed in a corner if I had been asked - causing me to pull away and ...

[HBV]

Aparent here. I was invited to be there (I would NEVER have asked) and I was sort of surprised, because we'd just met M and her parents the day before. I stood back behind M's mother, and waited until the doctors had finished and let me come to the corner of the room where they were taking H's APGAR scores.

I'm sort of two minded about it---on one hand, it was that moment, in the delivery room, when I think I really understood finally how wrong it would be for us not to involve these lovely people in H's life. I watched her mother holding her hand and crying and I thought about what it would be like to see your own child in pain and to be putting the future of your first grandchild in someone else's hands. So I think that was a pivotal moment that has had a lot to do with our good relationship w/ M and her family. Might that have come another way? Maybe...I just don't know.

On the other hand, I felt as though I was seeing something I shouldn't---it was too personal.
I'm still not sure about whether it was the right thing to have accepted the invitation or not.

M is developmentally disabled and it's hard to know what she's thinking or even how much she understands in any given situation. Apparently, it was her idea to have me come into the room---it's just so far from what I would have done myself that I can't quite wrap my mind around it.

[saxxxy]

My daughter's BirthMom asked us the first time we met her to be in the delivery room. She told my husband straight up that is was his job to cut the cord. She wasn't shy at all about it and wanted to have us there. I don't know if she regretted it afterwards or not but I don't think so.
During labor she had several friends and family members in the room and my husband and I got very uncomfortable so we left. BirthMom got upset that we were not there and asked everybody else to leave and had us brought back in.
We never asked and never assumed we were allowed certain involvement, we just went with what expectant Mommy was wanting.

[HappyTwinsMom]

A-mom here! We didn't ask and our daughters' birthmom didn't want us to be there. She was very specific about how she wanted delivery to be and we were respectful of that.

Honestly, if she *had* wanted us to be there, I'm not all that sure I would have been comfortable with it. We really didn't know her well at that point and it would have felt like we were intruding.

She did say, however, that if we could possibly make it, she would like us at the hospital when she delivered. As it was, the babies came too early and too quickly. We got there the next day.

[taramayrn]

My son's adoptive parents were in the delivery room when our son was born. I asked them to be there.

If I were to do it over again I wouldn't have them there. They were more than respectful and didn't do anything wrong, but I feel that was my time to be a mom and I felt rather intruded upon.

[Free_to_be_me]

I invited my birthdaughter's parents to be in the delivery room and they accepted, however, my delivery was so fast that they didn't make it to the hospital before she was born.

At the time, it really didn't matter that they didn't make it...we were so wrapped up in the moment when they did arrive. Honestly, there is also a small part of me (now) that is kind of glad I had that couple hours before they arrived all to myself. It would have been fine if they had been there, but it's also fine that they weren't.

[loveajax]

I was (gladly) there at birth mom's request. I am not sure if she would do it differently if she could. I have to say that I thought the nurse was kind of "disrespectful" to her (e.g., had me hold the baby first, etc....of course, it was so surreal, I wasn't sure what I was "supposed" to do). Of course, DD's birth mom kept saying, SHE IS THE MOM, etc. (how the heck she did this, I don't know, probably a coping mechanism).

I wanted DD's birth mom to spend a full day with her the day after she was born. But when I called to check up on DD's birth mom and the baby, she asked us to come down again (we live within driving distance). She said it gave her great comfort to see DD with her parents.

I CAN say that if you have an open adoption, it is something that you will always share, and I am really glad for that for my DD's sake. We have some wonderful pictures from immediately after the birth, etc.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I was the asker. However, like Tara, if I had a chance to do it over, I would not have them in the delivery room. I'd have them come to the hospital afterwards. Not because of anything they did (like Tara again, they were absolutely respectful) but because of the hospital staff and their absolutely ridiculous treatment.

That said, in my second labor and delivery, which was just me and my husband, I didn't cuss, scream or threaten my Husband.

[loveajax]

Jenna, was the hospital staff disrespectful to you or the a parents? I have heard of both. I actually expected to be treated like poo (I was not), but I was really bummed to see that the nurse was "ignoring" DD's birth mom. Obviously, if I were not there, that probably wouldn't have happened so that makes me sad.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Jenna, was the hospital staff disrespectful to you or the a parents? I have heard of both. I actually expected to be treated like poo (I was not), but I was really bummed to see that the nurse was "ignoring" DD's birth mom. Obviously, if I were not there, that probably wouldn't have happened so that makes me sad.

They were disrespectful to me. J&D had some communication problems because the staff didn't understand adoption AT ALL but, as far as I recall, did not run into any blatant disrespect.

[lahdh4]

They weren't there. Not because they nor I asked. We weren't matched until after her birth. I would NOT have asked them to be there. I had a very good friend of mine there and I was happy for that. She filled me in on everthing, since I passed out. I would not want them to have those memories and me to have none. Selfish of me, I know but I really don't care. It is just how I feel.

[thanksgivingmom]

I have the same sort of feelings Leigh. That was OUR thing, me and DD. There will be a million memories her amom will get to share with her that I will never even know about. But this memory? All mine.