[BrandyHagz]

What does this say to you?

"We're willing to consider an open adoption"

I am looking for votes from Birthparents who've placed...what does that statement say to you?

[Free_to_be_me]

Since I had to choose open or closed, I picked closed. to be more precise, I get the sense that the statement means we're not super keen on an open adoption but if you [the birthmother or birthparents] really need one we'll do it, I suppose.

When I was selecting adoptive parents, I needed them to sound more committed to openness than "willing to consider."

[Leigh131313]

I am not a birthmom, so I didn't vote...

But what that means to me... they would prefer closed or possibly semi-open (the kind where you don't know full names or adresses, kwim?)

[browneyes0707]

I had a hard time choosing too, so I went with my gut and said that it meant closed, as in "our first preference is closed/not fully open, but we would be willing to consider open if it mean that much to a potential birth parent"

But since I didn't place through an agency, I wonder how many potential adoptive parents come in and say "we would consider an open adoption" meaning that they really don't have a preference and are fully open to anything? Is that common?

[banjo]

It means they're not at all convinced open adoption is a good idea and could close the adoption because they will then decide that it is in the best interest of the bmother so she can get on with her life.

[jaenelle]

Not a birthparent, so I didn't vote, but... for us, willing to consider an open adoption meant just that -- depending on the circumstances, it would have been something we'd have been either totally fine with, just okay with, or not okay with at all... it was on a case-by-case basis for us.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

What does this say to you?

"We're willing to consider an open adoption"

I would consider that a huge red flag that the pap's were willing to say what they needed to have a baby placed with them but would close the adoption the moment they felt uncomfortable. It would tell me that the paps were not committed to open adoption and did not have an understanding of how important maintaining the connection to the first family is to the wellbeing of the adoptee.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I voted closed.

I really don't like the attitude. It screams of lack of respect for the placing woman AND her child and a lack of understanding as to what openness entails. It's also a huge red flag that the moment openness gets "hard" (which it will) they'll shut the door and say, "This isn't what we wanted anyway. We only did it because the first mother wanted it and we wanted a baby."

[lahdh4]

closed.......

[gottahavehope]

Wow!

I didn't vote b/c I'm not a birthparent but I was surprised at how harsh some of the comments were. Like adoptive parents just use that phrase to get a baby and then run. We are not all like that ya know.

Couldn't using a statement like that just be an honest attempt to let a birthmother know that they aren't totally closed to the idea, but might have some reservations. Isn't that fair?

My son's birthmother couldn't say what she wanted in regards to openness before she decided to call couples, while we were matched, or for awhile after our son was born. In fact, she still changes her mind at time on how much she is willing to handle in regards to our contact. I respect that. I figured like her decision to place how could she really know until she met our son? She just didn't know how she would feel. I always respected that and we had lots of conversations about all our options in the months we spent getting to know each other.

What I thought was great was that she also agreeded that we couldn't really know until after we were parents of our son. We left it pretty open until we all had time to process. Not saying this is the best way (we certainly did struggle a ton at first), but I guess with that as my history...I just don't see the above phrase as sinister as some of you do.

In particular, I was taken by Jenna's comment. I just don't see how it is disrespectful to a birthmother or her child to say you are willing to consider something? Jenna would you be willing to explain that a bit more for me. I'm really interested in your take.

Thanks,
K

[jaenelle]

I guess I was really surprised by some of the comments by birthparents as well... while I'm sure there are SOME adoptive parents who say they want open adoption and then close it once they have a baby (and that should NEVER happen, obviously) I truly believe the majority of adoptive parents are honest about their intentions. And something that seems to have been overlooked here is that adoptive parents may be unsure of what they want, or start out before being matched wanting one thing, and then being shown a PBM that wants something else and saying, "Well, yes, we want that too," or at least, "Well, yes, we can handle that."

For us, at least, it was something that needed to be decided on a case-by-case basis... we adopted out of state, but don't have a lot of money or time off work and school, so visits would not have been doable for us, most likely -- UNLESS we happened to wind up matched with a PBM who lived further North in Texas, then we might have been able to swing it... that would have lessened the travel distance considerably and also the expenses.

Speaking for myself, I would have liked MORE contact than what we have gotten. We send our letters and pictures when we are supposed to, but haven't heard anything from Yuna's birthfamily. I would really like to, as Yuna has several siblings that I think it would be nice if she knew. I would also like to know about her genetic history as the information we got was sketchy. I would also just like to know her birthmom, at least a little. But her birthmother didn't want any contact with us, so we will respect her wishes and just continue sending her the letters and photos.

I don't know if it was just us she didn't want contact with -- if we had been local maybe she would have wanted contact. But I do know it was HER choice to make and we will respect her wishes.

[thanksgivingmom]

As a birthmom who's daughter was born three months ago yesterday, and who subsequently hasn't heard from amom since the baby was taken home, I have to say closed or with limited openess. I understand that there might be things to consider for any amom but after placement I was told that the amom said "It could be a disaster if we did this wrong." She hasn't met me and doesn't have any reason to believe I would be a disaster if in her (our) childs life. For me I feel disrespect because I feel like she's judging how my involvement would be negative before she's met me.

I can't speak for all birthmoms or aparents, just my case.

I think that just like aparents might have a fear that bparents will change thier mind about placing, bparents who enter into open adoption agreements with aparents that have any, even slight reservations, fear that the adoption may close.

Again, just my experience/opinion.

[lonni]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I voted closed.

I really don't like the attitude. It screams of lack of respect for the placing woman AND her child and a lack of understanding as to what openness entails. It's also a huge red flag that the moment openness gets "hard" (which it will) they'll shut the door and say, "This isn't what we wanted anyway. We only did it because the first mother wanted it and we wanted a baby."

I have not placed,but I agree that it means they are not committed to it and are only "open" to it because they have to be.Anyone who has researched the benefits of it to the CHILDwould not consider anything else,IMO.
I agree that at the first wimper of "hard"~it will be closed more often than not. I have seen way too much of this to believe otherwise. I am very disapointed at the adoptive parents who do this.

[lonni]

Thanksgiving mom,that is a shady deal then if she already broke her promise.Are you still in your revolk period? Is your state enforcing contracts?Maybe you can get one within your revolk period to make sure it is not an empty promise.

[thanksgivingmom]

thanks lonni, unfortunately because of the way i placed i have very little/no leverage...long story, my baby wasn't taken away or anything but I placed using safe surrender...sort of. Technically thats what I used but I provided all of my information, medical and otherwise, just didnt want my name in the hospital computer system (another long story, haha). anyway, a letter was left for me by the amom saying she wanted openess and that we could arrange visits through the agency etc. So far, nothing. I have called the agency repeatedly and asked them to contact her. Its been nearly two weeks since my last call so I'll call again this week.

I really just want to know what is going on so if it means no contact I can just try to make peace with it instead of sitting here holding my breath...

sorry i ran this into a tangent