[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm working on a new series for the blog and I need some input from other birth mothers/fathers.

What, when you hear it, makes you cringe in regards to your birth parenthood, placement, your character, how you should grieve or your child?

I will be using some ideas in the blog.

Also, if you can, share examples of how said statements have been said to you and how they made you feel. Do they still make you feel the same way, removed from the situation and that moment in time?

What's your most hated thing said to you?

[lahdh4]

I'll pm you Jenna.

[BrandyHagz]

"So, how long have you been clean?"

"Did you ever get your high school education?"

"Well, you knew the price when you played the game."

"So, if you get pregnant again, will you give them that baby too?" (this was said, in full view of my wedding ring, two weeks ago, in front of my 12 year old son)

My favorite, said when M was about two, "Did the government make you get your tubes tied so you don't just keep getting pregnant and giving your babies away?"

That one actually hurt me bad...it was a family member, who had been touched by adoption...very sad.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Holy mother of pearl, Brandy. Wow. *hugs*

[MicheleB]

Totally out of curiousity here - anyone ever ask how much money they recieved for thier baby? That one drive me nuts being an adoptive parent...the "How much did you pay for it" question. Ya, I have had that questions asked several times and ya, they used the word "it" before.

Both questions would be totally NOT ok, obviously.

Again, just curious...

[SchmennaLeigh]

No, I've never had anyone personally ask me that question. It would be in their best interest to not ask such a question because while I most often try to go the "understanding and educational" route in my replies, that one might involve a punch to the face. Or at least snippy words.

[taramayrn]

"Awe, that's so nice they LET you see him..."

"So does he call you mom?"

"So do you get him back when you're married and ready to have more kids?"

"Oh, I'm sorry" - like I should be ashamed, etc.

Yeah, priceless...

[bajj]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

No, I've never had anyone personally ask me that question. It would be in their best interest to not ask such a question because while I most often try to go the "understanding and educational" route in my replies, that one might involve a punch to the face. Or at least snippy words.

I'm a non-violent person and I think I would have to smack someone for that!

[taramayrn]

I thankfully haven't had any ask me how much I was paid to place T.

[MicheleB]

My curiousity comes from being blown away by people who asked me how much we paid. Of course I was/am completeley offended by the question - so, I am relieved to know that it is not as common for people to ask birth mothers/fathers the same type of question.

You know, some people can be mean.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

"So does he call you mom?"

"Oh, I'm sorry" - like I should be ashamed, etc.

These two I generally "understand." Doesn't mean that I like them but I "get" them.

If I wasn't a birth mom in an open adoption, I'd be curious as to titles as well. Hopefully, I would word it better. LOL.

As for the second one... one of my nurses when I was in preterm labor with Nicholas said something similar. In the middle of contracting (joy), I explained that it was okay to talk about and ask me about her because it was an open adoption. I really felt that her, "Oh, I'm sorry," came from the point of view that she didn't mean to rub salt in a wound or ask me things that were inappropriate. Though, I have also gotten the shame card from people with the same statement. So I guess with that one, it depends on how it is said, under what circumstances and by whom.

But yeah, the "let" me see her comment drives me up a wall as well.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Originally Posted by MicheleB

My curiousity comes from being blown away by people who asked me how much we paid. Of course I was/am completeley offended by the question - so, I am relieved to know that it is not as common for people to ask birth mothers/fathers the same type of question.

You know, some people can be mean.

Sorry to pipe in, but I liked your question.. I get the same thing you get.

Okay, back to brainstorming.

[browneyes0707]

Well, today I was talking to a friend of mine on the latest update I got from DD's a-mom and trying to explain to her the situation I am in. I was trying to explain that right now we have a semi-open adoption with updates and pictures but no direct contact with DD as her a-mom feels right now that she is at an age where boundaries are a big issue, and I mentioned that a mom was afraid of the dreaded phrase "well, I'll just go live with my b-mom".

And my friend said to me as she was expressing her disbelief "Well, yeah, you would need time to get things ready...."

WHAT?

So I had to explain that parenting my DD is not only inappropriate but not an option as far as I was concerned So I think that mentioning anything alluding to or insinuating co-parenting would be a no no. Anything impling that contact means I could or couldn't "take her back" drives me crazy.

Or when I talk to people who are mothers and they
say "Wow, you are so brave because I could NEVER just give away my child" like she was a used sweater, or as if I have a questionable moral character because I made the choice to place. And yes the "well, at least she lets you know how she is doing" like I don't deserve to receive updates because I have a questionable moral character becuase I made the choice to place.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

"So, if you get pregnant again, will you give them that baby too?" (this was said, in full view of my wedding ring, two weeks ago, in front of my 12 year old son)

I have had people ask me that too!!! Yikes!

[billysmommy]

Piping in as an amom here........

I have gotten the "how much did you pay?" question more times than I can count, and often wondered if birthparents were asked the same question.

Disgusting.....