[thanksgivingmom]

i'm getting very frustrated with "I think it will just be too hard for you to see her."

REALLY? Shouldn't that be, oh, MY decision??

[kakuehl]

Has anybody ever figured out how hard it is for us NOT to see our babies?

[zxczxcasdasd]

Frankly, I think that one is classic projection and deflection. Translated it probably means "I think it will be too hard for me if you see her." But it's much nicer and "selfless" to say that I think I'm being nice to you by saying no to you. It keeps them from taking the responsiblity of the decision, and also puts them in a falsely parental and nurturing position over the bparent. If it's too hard for you, or it's too hard for your child, then say so. But don't judge what's too hard for someone else.

I'm not saying that aparents don't have a right to say no to requests if they have a truly valid reason, I just don't think that deciding for someone else what will be "too hard for them" is a valid, or honest, reason.

So basically, yeah, I think that one should never be said.

[kakuehl]

I recognize that many birth mothers who place are quite young, but I'm finding myself resenting aparents who refer to "our birthmother" and seem to reduce her to child status and who appear to want to "mother/parent" the birth mom. Somehow it seems quite inappropriate to me (and frankly irritates me!).

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I recognize that many birth mothers who place are quite young, but I'm finding myself resenting aparents who refer to "our birthmother" and seem to reduce her to child status and who appear to want to "mother/parent" the birth mom. Somehow it seems quite inappropriate to me (and frankly irritates me!).

My DD's a-mom was like that, and I have to be honest when I WAS young and not having anyone there with me I liked it, it brought some comfort to me. But now that we are both adults, it is/was confusing to me. I feel like I wanted her to be that warm and motherly way to me now, because that's the only way I knew her and I'm not really getting that vibe.

True, it shouldn't have been that way in the first place but it's like now that she is secure and is DD's mom, it's OK not to treat me that way, KWIM? I know it's not intentional, and maybe it's because I'm NOT a kid anymore, but that's still how it feels to me, that now it's a whole new ball game.

I also think it lulled me into this security to place, which I think was dangerous in that I never felt that I had a right at any point to change my mind, even before the TPR was signed. I was a kid trying to please adults, I didn't want to let anyone down. I think that was unfair too.

[thanksgivingmom]

oooh Kathy, the "our birthmom" thing really gets me too! No, I'm DD's bmom, not the communal birthmom.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I recognize that many birth mothers who place are quite young, but I'm finding myself resenting aparents who refer to "our birthmother" and seem to reduce her to child status and who appear to want to "mother/parent" the birth mom. Somehow it seems quite inappropriate to me (and frankly irritates me!).

Yeah. I get irritated, too. I am not J & D's birth mother. That would be absolutely 100% impossible. D is four years older than me and J is OLD. (Inside joke.)

I am the Munchkin's birth mother. That is all. Only her.

[Jannyroo]

S0RRY, I'VE JUST POSTED THIS & REALISED ITS FOR OPEN ADOPTION, MINE WAS CLOSED. PLEASE DELETE IF YOU THINK ITS NOT APPROPRIATE. SORRY

"Why are you crying" - social workers when I was handing my child into their arms to see him for the last time -he was six months, and I'd given it my best shot at keeping him, help? NIL

How COULD you do that? give your child away? - solicitor

"Your kid is better off dead rather than growing up knowing its mother didn't want it" - my sister in law

Why do you feel you have to confess? - woman I'd tried to talk to about it 16 years later

you can get on with your life now, you've done the right thing - my mother (now passed away)

I'll send you an allowance to help you keep him - my father - his last words before he he emmigrated to Canada - didn't hear from him for years hence

If I'd have known you were pregnant, I would have dragged you to the abortion clinic - my grandmother (!) fathers side

You should have kept your legs closed - my father

You need more help than we can give (a well respected post adoptive organisation) - try someone more local to where you live. I was 4 months into reunion with my son. I felt dumped.

The rest, I've blanked out, I can't remember the rest. I'm still riddled with guilt, shame & inefficacy, even with the most wonderful support and delight from the friends I now have.

[JocelynC]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

See, that's just as offensive to me. It's not something I want to be admired for. It's something that happened in my life at a certain time because of certain things. I'm not proud. I'm not courageous. It happened. I'm human.

Thanks for the insight. Question: would most of you prefer that people not comment at all when you mention that you placed your child up for adoption (as opposed to sticking their feet in their mouths by saying some of the stuff posted here)?

And another question about the "we think it would be too hard for you to see her" comment. Do amom's actually say that to birthmoms after agreeing to an open adoption?? That would be absolutely crushing to me if someone agreed to let me see my birthchild and decided against it afterward.

[kakuehl]

Hmm. The saying comes to mind, "It's better to keep you mouth closed and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." (Recognise that I personally tend to rush in where "angels fear to tread." )

Personally, a How are you doing now? would be a positive response

[juliebot]

As an amom, when we decided to adopt a second time, a couple of people (a friend and a family member) SERIOUSLY suggested I ask our son's bmom if she would have another child for us. WHAT???? I could NOT believe they were sincere in asking me that. I was horrified that they thought what she went through was so trivial that she would not mind going through it again for us.

amom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption, one through international adoption)
www.journeytofamily.com

[juliebot]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I recognize that many birth mothers who place are quite young, but I'm finding myself resenting aparents who refer to "our birthmother" and seem to reduce her to child status and who appear to want to "mother/parent" the birth mom. Somehow it seems quite inappropriate to me (and frankly irritates me!).

I had no idea referring to our son's bmom as "our bmom" was offensive to bmoms. We've said that in the past, not in a place of wanting or trying to parent the bmom, but as a way of saying we have embraced her as a whole family. Thank you for the bmoms who shared that this is offensive to you. I will try to not say that in the future.

mom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption, one through international adoption)
www.journeytofamily.com

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by juliebot

I had no idea referring to our son's bmom as "our bmom" was offensive to bmoms. We've said that in the past, not in a place of wanting or trying to parent the bmom, but as a way of saying we have embraced her as a whole family. Thank you for the bmoms who shared that this is offensive to you. I will try to not say that in the future.

I actually wrote about this, prompted from a few different discussions on the topic, on the birth/first parent blog: here.