[SchmennaLeigh]

All noted. I do agree that the insinuation that I don't love the Munchkin is pretty darn offensive to me.

[lahdh4]

Out of all of them -- the assumption that I didn't then and don't now love J.

[opalwench]

I agree, being accused of not wanting or not loving her, strikes home. While I was pregnant I had a co-worker say how it was a good thing that the a-family would be coming to the hospital, because I "wouldn't want contact" ... meaning contact with my daughter after her birth. That made me bristle then and now.

[Dereksmom]

lets see....one of the worst things that I can remember was "If you did'nt want your baby why did'nt you just give it to the dad" as if I didnt WANT my daughter and I was just getting rid of her.

[doula]

I am going to be working with a mother who is placeing her baby in an open adoption. I really would like to know the best way to support her. I am a doula. So I will be there for her prenatally, during labor and postpartum. I especially want to know the best things to say during labor and postpartum. I truly hope to help make this a beautiful time for her if at all possible.

I also wanted to know if anyone breastfed while at the hospital. Or how all of you feel about breastfeeding both by the birthmom and then later by the adoptive mom. Thank you so much.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by doula

I am going to be working with a mother who is placeing her baby in an open adoption. I really would like to know the best way to support her. I am a doula. So I will be there for her prenatally, during labor and postpartum. I especially want to know the best things to say during labor and postpartum. I truly hope to help make this a beautiful time for her if at all possible.

I also wanted to know if anyone breastfed while at the hospital. Or how all of you feel about breastfeeding both by the birthmom and then later by the adoptive mom. Thank you so much.

Doula, you might want to start a new thread with your question.

Off hand, I can't think of any specific things to say to her. I would highly recommend that you validate her feelings. Listen to what she's saying. Recognise that she will need to grieve.

I would say that the breast feeding is a personal decision. I personally believe it's the best thing for the baby and a good way to bond. The mother really has to want to do so however. It was not an option I had with my birthson (they didn't even want me to see him "because it would make it harder for me.")

[SchmennaLeigh]

Kathy; she has.

[j_gruetzner]

When I show people pictures of my kids, they ask:
1. Are those your husbands kids? y
2. Well, why didn't he help you? He did.
3. Well, I wouldn't let anybody take my kids.

[valleysally]

Actually, up until the last few months, after I found him on the art site, I can't remember any derogatory remarks or questions.....but then again, I have ADD and things do occasionally (!!!) go right by me, and I don't even notice.....

But interestingly enough since I found him and, of course was doing the tippie toe dance all over town, and showing photos of him from that web dite to everyone who I could corral.....and after 2 weekd or so since I posted a couple (OK, 14) of notes for hyim and hadn't heard anything from him.....I was now showing pictures and asking anyone I knew even slightly....a mistake I would urge everyone to avoid,.....as to why he hadn't gotten in touch with me. VERY BAD IDEA!!

Well, my true friends were as supportive as they could be, lot's of "give him time" and statements like that........but the ones who really got to me were the so called friends who with a dismissive and scornful glance at my by now dog-eared photos, would say charming things like...."Oh he's probably just not interested in having anything to do with you" after all you did "give him up" (aside to everyone , can't we find a better phrase than THAT?????, and I don't think much of "relinguish" either, sounds like we lost the side out in a ball game)

They seem to equate "give him up" to leaving him in a dumpster.....

And I have this silly notion that your friends job is not to point out the bad reasons, heaven knows you do that enough on your own..... but to try to help you cope. and blunt semi-nasty comments just made me see red. I was glad I was leaving town for good, cause several people were rude to the point that I was looking for baseball bats!!

There are lots of times I don't like people very much, they're not just rude and unthinking, some of them are just flat out MEAN!!! Ah but I never have to go back there again....

weird though how a few words will stick in your head for months and even years!

Sally

[Patty-cake]

I'm not in open adoption but what I hate to hear is "well at least you didn't get an abortion". They say this like I was uncaring. They don't know that I wanted to keep her. There just didn't seem to be a way that I alone could do justice by her at the time. It hurts to be judged by folks that have no clue. - Patty

[ingi]

Wow, I am an adoptive mom of a 3 year old little girl.
This is my first visit to this forum and some of these comments sound so familiar.
I often have to remind friends, family and strangers that without my daughter's birthmother's incredible sacrifice I would not be a mother myself and when I look at my daughter I see part of her and it is quiet beautifulllllllllllllll.

[JocelynC]

Wow ladies, I am totally amazed at some of the ignorant things people have said to you guys.

I think alot of it stems from the general public's misunderstanding of the adoption process and the stigma that people attach to it.

They tend to think that someone "purchased" your child. They also don't recognize that you didn't just "give" your child away to someone. It's almost as if they assume that you placed them because you didn't love them.

I also feel like bmom's get looked down upon for placing their children, in a "how could you" kind of way. They don't realize that they should admire you for doing what you felt was best.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by JocelynC

I also feel like bmom's get looked down upon for placing their children, in a "how could you" kind of way. They don't realize that they should admire you for doing what you felt was best.

See, that's just as offensive to me. It's not something I want to be admired for. It's something that happened in my life at a certain time because of certain things. I'm not proud. I'm not courageous. It happened. I'm human.

[keds]

I have to agree, I am offended by those who say I should be admired as well. It is something that happened, it was painful, I made a very hard decision and now I live with it. I take comfort in the fact that my bson had a great family but prefer if there weren't any comments!

[lahdh4]

Others:
"we are too busy"
"we don't want to confuse her"