[taramayrn]

Why, why are people so stupid?? Can't people take a second to think before they speak? Alot of these comments aren't even coming from a place of honest curiousity, which I can understand, but they are really hurtful and that's not okay.

[thanksgivingmom]

When I was pregnant I told someone I was giving the baby up for adoption and was asked the worst question I could imagine: "If you were just going to give the baby up why didnt you have an abortion?"

How could someone compare ending my babys life to giving her a loving family and a good life?

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

When I was pregnant I told someone I was giving the baby up for adoption and was asked the worst question I could imagine: "If you were just going to give the baby up why didnt you have an abortion?"

How could someone compare ending my babys life to giving her a loving family and a good life?

Yes, very hard to compare. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tries to compare adoption and abortion - they are two very different things and aren't comparable at all.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

Why, why are people so stupid?? Can't people take a second to think before they speak? Alot of these comments aren't even coming from a place of honest curiousity, which I can understand, but they are really hurtful and that's not okay.

Yes. In his tone and the way it was worded, it was as if he was assuming that I was intruding in their life... which is something often assumed about birth parents and openness.

That stings still. And makes me feel insecure all at the same time.

[kakuehl]

I was recently talking with my cousin who with his wife adopted a boy from Rumania several years ago. I know they had a rough time with his mother who didn't see M as their "real" son. I was telling C that I had reunited with D. I could sense from his response (I don't remember the exact words.) concern that I would interfere in D's family. (that basically I had no right to do so - He expressed relief that there wasn't much likelihood of M ever being to reconnect with his birth family.) Sigh!

Jenna, when I gave birth to D, I wasn't even able to see him when he was born, he was immediately removed from the room. My dad was very much against my mother and me walking down to the nursery to see him. (I don't think I ever told him that I insisted on seeing - and Holding him - before I signed the final papers.) His reasoning, common at the time, was that it would be much harder on me. By the way, he finally met D on Christmas Day. They seemed to like each other.

I wonder if your uncle holds that old belief that you will "heal better" if you don't see Munchkin. About that feeling of insecurity - it appears pretty clear from what you've written that Muchkin's aparents truly wish you to be part of their lives. That you and Josh and Nick enrich their lives as well.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Well, Kathy, if he had phrased it like that, it would be another. But he specifically said that I needed to move on so that "they could live their life."

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

.
I am a bmom in an open adoption and heard the "move on and leave them alone" from my son's adopted sister's birthfamily the one and only time I met them (my son was a month old at the time).

I heard this too. Right after the first (and only) time I spoke with my b-daughter on the phone. I was having a hard time dealing with the shock of it, and I leaned on some of my roomates at the time. One of them was a b-dad who was in a closed adoption. This statement pretty much closed my adoption, as he made me feel that my feelings were a sign that I was not ready to handle things, and I needed to move on and let them be. (They were probably just normal feelings to have) And since he "understood" my situation, I thought maybe he knew better than I did.

He was wrong, he was just in a different situation. But I didn't know that at the time.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

When I was pregnant I told someone I was giving the baby up for adoption and was asked the worst question I could imagine: "If you were just going to give the baby up why didnt you have an abortion?"

How could someone compare ending my babys life to giving her a loving family and a good life?

Answer to the why question: I believed in life!

I guess some people always figure we "gave our children away because we didn't love/want them." It's the idea that people only adopt "unwanted" babies. It seems beyond their comprehension that someone might be able to think beyond themselves to try to do what's best in the best interest of their child! (I'm not sure how abortion is in the best interests of the child!)


As in so many other situations, when people donated no what to say, they say the stupidest things. (There's a saying, It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)

[Boulderbabe]

I have to admit, even now, after all that I've learned from all of you, if I heard somebody had placed their child, I'd say "I'm so sorry."

It's a sad thing to place a child, no matter how you cut it...

[Mandy4President]

First of all, wow, I can't believe how rude people can be. It is unbelievable how some people just cannot understand how the words that come out of their mouth can affect someone in such a deep way. I'm so sorry for you guys that you had to go through conversations with people like that.

I get a lot of rude comments about Addy's birthmom. Of course there's always the Why did she give her up (funny how they NEVER ask about the bdad)? How much does the bmom get for it? (I'm assuming that they mean the adoption, but it sounds like it means the baby) Why do they not MAKE these people take bcontrol so that they stop having babies that they can't take care of?

Every one of these brings about a conversation that I feel is none of their business. I get the how much did it cost question all the time and it always starts with "if you don't mind me asking..." Well, if you think I will mind, which I do, DONT ASK!!

Hugs to you guys.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Looking through the things said to birth parents on this thread, can you offer your opinion as to what is the most offensive? Obviously, we'll all feel differently, but I'm trying to get a mental handle on what birth parents MOST dislike being asked/said to them/etc. I'll be writing a two posts about this topic on Wednesday. Thanks!

[taramayrn]

Hmm I don't know if there's one thing that is the most offensive to me. But the comments that imply I didn't love my child hurt the most.

[browneyes0707]

For me it's the insinuation that by writing to a-mom and keeping contact is being "intrusive" and that I should move on and let them live their lives. It makes me feel as if being portrayed as being stuck in the past and cant let go ,even though I know that is not how it is portrayed to those involved (a-mom and I). I guess I have a lot of issues with that one since it lead to my closing the adoption.

[kakuehl]

As you know, I was not a birthmom in an open adoption, but I guess you could say it's very open now. I think what I personally find offensive are the comments that I should stay out of D's life and not interfere like I plan to totally disrupt his relationship with his family, etc.

The belief or inference that if I placed my son for adoption he must not have mattered to me is painful (and can make be angry).

[bromanchik]

I had a mid-wife, after finding out that I had a 36 hour labor, tell me, "He must have known he wasn't wanted." That anyone would think that I do not love or want my son is the most offensive thing. Second to that is the implication that I am somehow harming my son by being in his life. Both are personal attacks.