Openness Advice

**thanksgivingmom** · #1 12-11-2006, 10:37 PM

I am a recent birthmom and am trying to figure out what degree of openness is best for my daughter. Her amom wants there to be as much openness in the adoption as I am comfortable with. For many reasons, I had to hide the pregnancy, and no one in my life or family knows I even had a child. If I have openness with my daughter, I will not be able to bring her into my life. I worry about how fair this is to her. I don't want to close myself off to her for the next eighteen years either.

If anyone has any advice about what worked or didn't work in thier relationships with bmoms it would be greatly appreciated. I am absolutely terrified of making a decision, for fear that it will be the wrong one and that she will resent me for it. I only want whats best for my daughter even if its the hardest thing for me to do. I only want her to grow up happy and well adjusted. I want to do everything I can to make that possible. I realize that it won't be perfect and that it can't be, I just want to do what's best for her.

Thanks for any and all advice.

Indy · #2 12-12-2006, 03:50 AM

I am not a bmom, obviously. However, one of my adopted sons (and his girlfriend) gave up their daughter for adoption. Long story as to why I didn't adopt her. They have an open agreement with the adoptive parents.

I wish you the best in this hard time.

bromanchik · #3 12-12-2006, 03:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

For many reasons, I had to hide the pregnancy, and no one in my life or family knows I even had a child. If I have openness with my daughter, I will not be able to bring her into my life. I worry about how fair this is to her. I don't want to close myself off to her for the next eighteen years either.

I have a question. What do you see changing between now and 18 years from now? Do you see yourself sharing this with your family and friends 18 years from now? If so, why then and not, say 10 years from now?

The other thing to know is that children can understand and appropriately process difficult circumstances surrounding their birth and adoption. There is a great book called "Telling the Truth to Your Adopted of Foster Child" that talks about how to talk about difficult situations.

The bottom line is that I think your daughter will be better off knowing you sooner rather than later. As long as you are able to be a positive, consistant presence in her life, what others in your extended family and friendships knows or doesn't know can be explained.

My son grew up in a fully open adoption knowing both his birthfather and I. My whole extended family is involved. No one on the birthfather's side knows for his own, personal reasons. When it was explained to my son why they were not involved he was fine with it. In fact, he felt he didn't want to be bothered.

Hope this helps. If you want to, pm me.

lonni · #4 12-12-2006, 04:01 AM

Others may disagree,but I think you should have the openness that the admom requests.I also think telling a friend or family member you trust,about Eva (or even a therapist) is possibly healthier.I am concerned that this disconnection you feel about the experience will be similar to the Mothers of closed adoptions who kept the secret.
Can you visit Eva soon and let that help you make the decision?This admom sounds wonderful.It sounds like she is quite supportive of you and very concerned and kind. Just my opinion.((((hugs))))) adoptee adoptive mom

SchmennaLeigh · #5 12-12-2006, 04:33 AM

Secrets have a way of outing themselves. For two and a half years I hid my daughter from my Husband's paternal side of the family. It was too hard on me emotionally.

**thanksgivingmom** · #6 12-12-2006, 07:57 AM

I tried to feel disconnected during the pregnancy, but as soon as she was born I was connected to her for life. I am crazy about this little baby. I look at her picture constantly and can't wait to see her again. I have been speaking with the social worker about setting up a date to meet her amom and see her again. I want to be as active in her life as her amom is comfortable with, I just wanted to make sure that the secrecy was fair.

The reason for the secrecy: my mom would not have supported adoption. She would want the baby back. She would guilt trip me forever. The pain I feel for giving up my baby already consumes me, and I don't think I could handle right now having that pain come from an outside source as well. Hopefully someday I will be able to handle it, and can let my family in on my secret. I don't know if that will be in ten years, in eighteen years, or ever. I hope it will be.

Thanks for the advice about explaining the situation to Eva. It's amazing what children can understand.

Oh, and I can definitely be a positive presence in her life. I have always led a stable life...I'm well educated, never have abused any substance, and love children more than anything...enough to know where she deserves to be raised.

josette5987 · #7 12-12-2006, 09:34 AM

Well I was reading your story and you definitly have to be emotionally and mentally ready for what you are about to go through. There will always be the coulda, woulda, shoulda. But you have to make the best decision for you and your baby. Some times you can't provide the things that some families do. But what do you have to offer your child? Look inside yourself for your answers. And also look at you choices that you have. It never matters what everyone else is thinking or saying about you. It is what is best for you and your little one. Best of wishes and I will keep you and your baby in my prayers.

lonni · #8 12-12-2006, 10:34 AM

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) I would want my grandchild back too.(as a future hopeful granny)

**thanksgivingmom** · #9 12-12-2006, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonni

I have to say as a future grandmom,I too would want the baby back.
I see that as support!!!!

You're right, that is support, but I know what my mom and I can handle, and she doesn't need to raise another child. She works full time, has raised eight children of her own, and has thirteen grandchildren.

Someday I might regret this choice, but I can only do what I feel is right for my baby, and putting her in this situation is not whats best for her. She now has a loving amom AND a loving bmom. All we can try to do is what's best for our children, and that's all I'm trying to do.

evildishrag · #10 12-12-2006, 11:18 AM

Sorry if I'm prying but I'm just really curious about a couple of things. Is the amom a single woman or is there an adad also? Have you spoken with her yet? Do you think your family or friends suspect anything with your rapid 'weight loss'? How are you feeling physically? Don't forget to get a check-up in a few weeks.

As for the level of openness, I'd say you've made all decisions thus far very well and whatever feels right will be right. You don't have to decide everything right now, just take it one step at a time.

I had my baby in 1986 which was just when open adoptions were starting. Looking back now I wonder what my social worker meant when she asked if I wanted contact. I simply said no, but that's just because I'm an 'all or nothing' kinda of person. I couldn't have handled it.

HappyTwinsMom · #11 12-12-2006, 11:31 AM

I would say be as open as you and Eva's a-mom want to be. You can share your story with others as it feels more comfortable for you. It's nobody else's business unless you choose to share it, and that can be done a little at a time if you want.

I wish you the best!

**thanksgivingmom** · #12 12-12-2006, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by evildishrag

Sorry if I'm prying but I'm just really curious about a couple of things. Is the amom a single woman or is there an adad also? Have you spoken with her yet? Do you think your family or friends suspect anything with your rapid 'weight loss'? How are you feeling physically? Don't forget to get a check-up in a few weeks.

As for the level of openness, I'd say you've made all decisions thus far very well and whatever feels right will be right. You don't have to decide everything right now, just take it one step at a time.

I had my baby in 1986 which was just when open adoptions were starting. Looking back now I wonder what my social worker meant when she asked if I wanted contact. I simply said no, but that's just because I'm an 'all or nothing' kinda of person. I couldn't have handled it.

Don't worry about prying, I'm very open to share anything I know here. I have only heard about the amom, so I don't know much else there. I haven't met or spoken with her yet, but asked the social worker yesterday to contact her about how we should proceed now with regards to setting up a meeting. Ava left the hospital a week ago Friday, and seeing how she was an emergency adoption with very short notice the amom has been quite busy getting everything set up.

I do think my mom and sister suspect something is up, but I havent had much appetite since the baby either. It seems they're buying that I have just started to lose weight quickly. They could be in as much denial as I was for so long...

Physically I feel pretty good. The first few days were incredibly painful for walking and stuff, but now I feel great. I will definitely get checked out again soon.

Thanks for the support on the decisions I've made. I feel pretty good about everything so far, not that it isn't terribly emotionally painful. I guess I don't know if I can handle it, but I suppose I just have to. One day at a time...

opalwench · #13 12-12-2006, 08:56 PM

I can't give you much advice, I'm new to this too...

However part of what you said really struck a cord with me.

Quote:

For many reasons, I had to hide the pregnancy, and no one in my life or family knows I even had a child.

((Hug))

I can see myself saying those words, somewhat. None of my family knew I was pregnant. Some of that had to do with the fact that until the last month of my pregnancy I could still fit into my regular clothes and I'm small to begin with, so they may have thought that I was just finally putting on some wieght. I called my parents after my daughter was born. I had a very hard time that call. I was scared. Currently my parents and my sister are the only members of my family to know about my daughter. For personal reasons I feel that I need to open up to the rest of my family, but I'm still very scared. So I'm waiting until after the holidays.

Quote:

The reason for the secrecy: my mom would not have supported adoption. She would want the baby back. She would guilt trip me forever. The pain I feel for giving up my baby already consumes me, and I don't think I could handle right now having that pain come from an outside source as well. Hopefully someday I will be able to handle it, and can let my family in on my secret. I don't know if that will be in ten years, in eighteen years, or ever. I hope it will be.

((Hug)) again.

My parents wavered in their support (one very nasty phone call the day I came back from the hospital). They've gotten better about it. I hope that you'll find strength and healing, and when/if the time comes that you talk to your family I hope it goes well.

rachel99 · #14 01-06-2007, 07:49 PM

Be as open and close to her as you are comfortable with. Tell the birthparent and the child when she is old enough to understand, what and why you did what you did, and that it needs to be kept private. Let here know from the start that you may be part of her life occasionally, but that your family will not accept your decision. If she knows the truth and the reasons from the start, it will be easier for her to respect. Hope this helps. I was adopted, and gave up a child for adoption. email me if you have any questions.

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