[SchmennaLeigh]

Boy, my pre-visit nerves are setting in awfully early this time. Normally I get wigged out about a week or so before a visit. This time I'm about two days shy of a full month. I think it's all related to Nick's first birthday and all of the stressors that come with that... COUPLED with the memories of Munchkin's first birthday... and...

I'm very overwhelmed.

So, I'm just writing about it. Don't have much to say yet. Other than I need a nap and we're no where close to the visit!

[kelceesmom]

Jenna, I wish we had your problem. I so wish our bparents wanted to keep in contact with us. I read your posts and think how lucky both sides of this family are. You always have fun so once again you'll laugh about it later.

[MamaTo6]

Jenna...no advice but wanted to say that you are such a strong woman and I really admire you.

When I hear you say that you are having jitters, it reminds me that our sons mom probably does too. So far she has chosen not to visit, and posts like yours make me step back and cut her some slack.

[Leigh131313]

Geez Jenna....was your life going too smoothly? just teasing.

I know first birthdays are emotional....can you believe he's almost a year old?? OMG!!

I'm sorry you get so worked up about your visits....I'm curious what sort of emotions you feel. Is it anxious like you just can't wait...or is it fear and if so, what are you afraid of? Nervousness? What areyou nervous about?


I'm really curious.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Leigh; way to challenge me to dig deeper. I think I need to revoke your BNL tickets.

It's anxiety on a different level than my normal worrisome level. I am get nervous about how she'll interact with me. So far, ever single visit, she has been very comfortable with me. I'm not naive enough to believe that it will be like that EVERY SINGLE VISIT for the rest of our lives. The fact that I don't know when she will decide that she doesn't want to play with me, talk to me or be near me is kind of unnerving. I realize, being a Mom to the Nickman, that children change their preferences from day to day. I would never hold it against her if she decided that she needed to be alone with her parents during a visit instead of play with me, etc. But that doesn't mean that the initial shock of it will hurt any less...

if that makes ANY sense. In short, I know it's coming some day and I fear its sudden arrival every time a visit comes around.

I also fear getting overwhelmed like I did at her first birthday party. Things were SO INTENSE that day that I just had absolutely no idea how to process ANYTHING that was going on. Also, kind of like right after Nicholas was born. My brain and heart were so awash with emotions (and hormones) that I couldn't make sense of how I felt. She does that to me at times... she has the ability, just by looking at me with those eyes that mirror my own, to make me doubt everything I've ever known about myself.

Then there's the normal visit worries: will the kids all get alone. Will Nick bite JD's head again? Will D and I get enough alone time to create our own memories? Will I step on J&D's toes about anything? Will anyone in our freaking huge family say anything to offend me, Josh, Nicholas, Munchkin, D, J, JD or... etc. You get that one. Will anyone use the N word and thus be murdered by me ... and then the whole visit will end with Jenna in prison. Will I be a good enough hostess? As this is their first time to our NEW HOME, will they think our home is nice? What will they think of our neighborhood? Will I be able to sit with three kids in church? Will my church family be able to recognize Munchkin as my biological daughter?

Can you see how the list goes on and on and on and on and on...
//

Denice; I hope to laugh about it afterwards. That's always such a relieving feeling... when the visit is over and no one hates one another.

Mamato6; we all process our feelings differently but from the discussions I've had with other birthmothers, we all have some level of anxiety before a visit. For some, like me, it's just ridiculously overwhelming at times.

[mom2GRLC]

Jenna,

Your fears and worries are very real and intense. Take a moment to beathe deep and to look at yourself and your life and find peace and assurance in those you love and trust. They won't expect your home to be perfect, your flower garden to be free of weeds, or for you to be so strong and to hold it altogether 100 % of the time. We are all human, we all have feelings, we all make mistakes, we all have busy lives, unfolded laundry and all have family/friends that will say or do the wrong thing on occasion.

Part of any relationship is accepting our friends and family members despite thier imperfections. I mean do you go to their home expecting everythign to be perfect. I'm sure you don't...that would just be too much to expect and live up to...and would certianly drive you insane if you worry to much about it.

Sure your daughter might go through a bit of time when she may not want to interact with you ALL the time...but given your relationship and Dee's relationship with you the chances she'll reject you altogether are pretty much a big fat ZERO.

I can't tell you how it feels to be rejected like that...but I can say...I have seen it time and time again. EVERYTIME my daughter sees her birthmom she takes a good long while to warm up to her. She prefers her grandmother to her birthmom any day. There have been times where my daughter wouldn't even look at her birthmom or want ANY contact with her whatsoever. I can tell it is very hard on her birthmom. But the times and moments she does look at her and smile or give her hugs or talk to her or play with her...are PRICELESS!!! Her birthmom's face just glows and her eyes fill up with tears....it makes all the pain just disapear for a moment and her face just beams with joy and love.

My daughter has had a very rough start at life compared to your daughter. She has had a lot of mixed feelings. but I can promise you even on the days she is shy or reserved...she loves her birthmom...they have a special connection that is worth preserving and that will last a lifetime.

If that time ever comes....where your daughter doesn't respond to you in the way you hope....know that she is NOT rejecting YOU....or your special place in her life. She is just acting like a normal child and with a good nap, food in her tummy, or a bunch of playtime she will snap out of the funky mood she may be in and be back to her old self...the sweet little girl that loves you to pieces.

I'm not sure if that helps at all. But I guess my main piece of advice would be...love yourself and be proud of who you are...and realize your not perfect and that those you love and care about will see past your imperfections and just be so happy to see you again...and spend time with you. So try not to be so hard on yourself. Try to be excited for the wonderful blessing you have coming up of having your FAMILY come and visit.

[lahdh4]

The only thing I can offer is a (((HUG)))

[Mommy24]

Lots of prayers and thoughts for you in the next month It never ceases to amaze me how fast time goes by especially when we are worrying about things, it will come quick and you will be ok, in the meantime remember I am here if ya need me!

[SchmennaLeigh]

It will come quick? AHHH. I have a party to plan.

(But, let's be honest. This is me. And most of the leg work is done. I just need to do a practice run on Nick's cake.)

[Mommy24]

Well if you need someone to taste test, um let me know

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hopefully it tastes okay. I'm doing an organic carrot cake, sans-cinnamon. (I'm allergic to cinnamon! And I want to eat it! LOL!) With cream cheese icing. mmm.

[loveajax]

Jenna, I know this isn't going to make you feel better, but I (as an adoptive mom) had these jitters for like a MONTH before we met with DD's birth parents in May. And of course I found out that DD's birth mom felt the exact same way...I don't know why we were so nervous, but we both were!!

I hope you have a great visit!

[bajj]

I wanted to send you a huge hug (((((((Jenna)))))).

Also, here is what your dd amom might be feeling. I can't speak for her but I can tell you how nervous I was the two times my oldest son's bmom and bbrothers visited. We have actually not had them at our home although I have sent an invitation. We've only seen each other twice in 5 years and it's sad to me. But anyway, here's what goes through THIS amom's head when a visit is coming or when i think a visit is coming...

Will she like my house? Will she think we spoil J too much? Will she think we don't spoil him enough? Will she disagree with how we discipline him? Will she think we're too strict, not strict enough? Will she think the house is clean enough, big enough, nice enough?

Will ds look at his bfamily and think and long to be with them? Will his bmom see us all together and wish she hadn't placed him with us?

OK, so those are irrational fears, but it's what I experience. I'm not afraid for ds to have a relationship with his birthfamily. As a matter of a fact, I wish we had more of one now so that he could develop his own relationship with them now rather than later as an adult. I do always wonder though if she will second guess her decision. It's strange, because the letters I get from her she thanks me over and over again for being her child's mother and for sharing him with her. So, no matter if they are rational or not, we do all have fears.

I know your visit will go great. You will be in my prayers!