[SchmennaLeigh]

This question is mainly for those who are not still with or married to their child's birthmom/dad though, as always, all are welcome to answer. Also, any adoptees or adoptive parents who have insight into these answers, feel free to share.

How have your boyfriends/girlfriends and/or spouses reacted to your child, the open adoption and that entire aspect of your life? Have they been respectful? Did they get involved? What are their feelings towards your birthchild? Has their reaction or lack thereof been a tense thing in your relationship or the ending cause? Was their acceptance something that solidified the relationship for you?

Please tell your stories.

[msdesi]

I know this is more geared toward people with ongoing contact and my contact stopped a long time ago by adoptive couple's choice, but I'm sharing because I have best most supportive husband. He is not the birthfather but we have been married almost 7 years. I know if we still had contact he would be eager to participate in any way because he's said so.

The thing is, I did not tell him until we were married almost 1 year that I had a child that I placed for adoption when I was 18. I do not have stretch-marks or other evidence, so he had no way to know. But his reaction was calm kindness and support...we talk often about my daughter. He buys me a Mother's day card every year too, which makes me happy and sad at the same time.

I would say his acceptance and his willingness to accept my birthdaughter if a reunion happens later, certainly made it clear to me that I married well.

[MommaKatja]

Ive actually been thinking about this subject a LOT recently. Since my sons bfather and I split I've only seriously dated one person. Our first date lasted 6 hours we started talking and didn't stop until they were closing the place down around us so naturally during that conversation he learned of M. He is supportive of my relationship with M and listens to stories and looks at pictures even though we are no longer together. Now however i'm back in the dating game trying to figure out how soon to tell dates. It's one thing to be having a conversation and it comes up but on first dates when asked point blank if I have any kids there is only a split second to gauge how much detail to go into

[Leigh131313]

Jenna,

You know from my previous posts that this is something I struggle with. My sons birthmom is still quite young and (just like any normal girl) goes through boyfriends very quickly. She doesn't seem to see an issue with bringing them to our house, which is extremely uncomfortable for me.

On one hand, I'm glad she is not ashamed or anything about us....but I'd really prefer to just have visits with people who are going to be permenant fixtures, ya know?

I would feel differently if this were a long term relationship.

So, my question to you all....What point do you feel is the right time to share visits with your partner/boyfriend/fiance/husband? lol

[Free_to_be_me]

I met my current boyfriend when P was about 6 years old. I actually don't remember telling him about her. It was kind of funny because we met, spent a week together and then didn't see each other for over a year. We just wrote letters. Then, I decided to move closer to him to see if we would work. I asked him if I had mentioned my kid in the middle of a 3000 mile road trip to move in together!

Luckilly, I had told him. He has been great about it. He has met the entire family and the kids (my birthdaughter and her sister) absolutely adore him. He is certainly open about talking with me about it. I generally don't go into much detail with him about her birthfather.

[banjo]

My partner is great. He's there when I need him but he doesn't give an opinion unless I ask. I told him about the adoption when I figured out our relationship was getting serious. He doesn't come to visits but that's because I don't want/need him there. If I was an aparent I would not want the bmother bringing casual boyfriends along to visits - perhaps she could bring her mother or father or sister if she felt she needed support.

[saxxxy]

My daughter's Birth Mom has been told by her husband that she is to 'forget' she ever had a daughter and is to have no contact with us what so ever. Birth Mom has set up an email account he does not know about and visits us on the sly. I don't agree with the dishonesty but I also know she tries very hard to honor the wishes of her husband. When she does pop in for a visit it is never planned on her part. I think she comes when she just can't stand it anymore and needs to see us emotionally. I have told her that she is welcome in my home and in our lives and hearts anytime day or night, but that if ever questioned by her husband I will not cover for her because I don't live lies in my life.
She has said more than once that she wishes he had a different attitude about the adoption because she would love to have another child for us (we would not take her up on such and offer because of our morals, but it is comfortable for us knowing she feels that good about the adoption that she would do it again). We are open with her entire family and none of them are comfortable with what they feel her husband is doing to her emotionally by asking her to keep the adoption hush hush.

[Shellikin]

I met the guy I'm seeing while I was pregnant. He told me that he thought pregnant women were sexy and I told him "dude, you're barking up the wrong tree." He said "not like that! They just get to a point where they don't really care how they look, they just want to get it over with, and that brings about an air of confidence that I find sexy." I was still giving him a look, and he added "anything I try to add to that won't matter, 'cause all you're going to remember, even years down the road, is that I have a pregnant fetish. Which I don't even really have."

Needless to say, we hit it off. He was one of the only people I had met in the pregnancy that didn't feel the need to tell me "well, if you ever need to talk..." when I mentioned I was going the adoption route with this pregnancy. I understand people have good intentions and everything, but I discovered that I really resented those words coming from people who were barely meeting me and had absolutely no idea what I was going through or would be going through.

So the guy... after we got to know each other a little better and it came out that the baby's father and I weren't on speaking terms, he offered to be the hand I was breaking in the delivery room. It didn't work out well, I went into labor and gave birth before he got off work. I asked him if he still found me attractive now that I'm not pregnant anymore... he still denies the pregnant fetish.

Anyway, he's been wonderful with helping me cope with the adoption, helping me focus on the positive aspects and letting me cry when I need to. It's not a relationship yet, but it seems likely that it's headed in that direction. We just agreed that things needed to settle down before we made that step, it's only been fifteen days since my son was born.

[Tigger27]

Well, I don't have a boyfriend or anything right now, but from the past and while dating, it's not always been an easy thing - the adoption topic and all.

So, one of my recent ex-boyfriends that I had after my first girl and before my second girl was very negative about it and kind of acted like it didn't exist and never talked about or asked me about my first girl. It made our relationship harder for me and then because of that plus other major things, we broke up.

I've also had some guys who were and I guess kind of are still my friends that were very negative at first with me about having placed both my girls, but then after they learned some more about it all, they weren't as negative. Of course, we aren't as good a friends as we use to be and what not because of the negative things they said to me about placing both my girls. In other words, if I ever talk to those friends, I can't talk about adoption or my girls much, it's like a sore spot, which makes our friendships or what's left of the friendships very strained sometimes.

I haven't told many guys since I had and placed my second girl or dated much either. I'm a little hesitant and nervous about sharing this with guys now and well, I haven't got to that point with anyone yet anyway. I have told a few more new friends recently and they've responded more positively.

I just moved out and into my own place while I'm going to school now and I've just started hanging out and being friends with a guy so I haven't got to the point of telling him yet. Of course, if we keep hanging out and the friendship etc. keeps developing, I will most likely end up telling him and when I think about it, I do get a little nervous wondering what he'll do or how he'll react when he finds out about my girls.

Well, if he's a true friend and a good guy like he seems to be so far then he should be okay with it. I would hope he'd react more positively cause he'll have known me more and all, guess we'll see when that time comes.

Anne

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

So, my question to you all....What point do you feel is the right time to share visits with your partner/boyfriend/fiance/husband? lol

Well Leigh; I don't know. That's hard. If you ask me about my previous ex-boyfriends, I would have told you, at the time we were seeing each other, that I was going to marry that man. Especially while young, love meant FOREVER, ya know? I can't use my case as an example because Josh was involved in so much of everything.

Interesting question, Leigh. Sorry I don't have a better asnwer.

[browneyes0707]

I never really told any of my past boyfriends about my daughter, since for a long time I wasn't involved with anyone on a serious level. But when I was pregnant I wasn't with the b-dad, and I did develop a relationship with a guy that lived in my dorm, which eventually turned into a long distance relationship when we both left school after that year. He was there for me the way b-dad should have been, so much that people thought he was the father! He was really great about everything, and at that time the adoption was open and he loved hearing stories about my daughter. We broke up because I started talking/sharing things with b-dad again, and I ended up choosing to go back with him But I've been thinking a lot about that guy since I got back in touch with her family, because he would love to know how she's doing now, I know.

My current boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and I waited almost two years to tell him, because at that time I wasn't really focused on my past so much. I told him because I heard from b-dad out of the blue and he was asking about information about DD, and I didn't feel it was fair to have contact with him behind my boyfriend's back (This time, I wasn't going to let it ruin a good thing!!) When I decided this summer to attempt a reunion, I was nervous to bring it up because he never does, but he said it's my thing to share: he'll listen to me and support me in whatever I want to do in regards to my DD and possibly reopening the adoption, and he doesn't feel it's up to him to make any decisions regarding how to handle it. Sometimes I wish he would ask more about it, but that's the way he is about a lot of things that are unrelated so I don't take it personally.

[m-mom]

Telling people, espicially boyfriends, about my adoption has not always been been by choice.

Unfortunatly, my body was very tiny at 16 when i got pregnant, and i got stretch marks. And because my b-son was nine lbs, i have a "beautiful" c-cection scar. My breats grew 3 sizes larger and they too have TONS of stretch marks. If my body wasn't screaming MOMMY, i think i would have kept my b-son much more private.

Currently, my boyfriend of 7 months knows everything about my sons adoption. He has seen much more of the emotional toll that adoption has on me lately, seeing has my son's birthday was last week. The other day he helped me pick out birthday presents ( I have no idea what 8 year old boys like) and He is the only boyfriend that has ever met my b-son. He's a keeper!

In the past i have felt judged by guys that knew about my son. I have even had jokes made at my expense...obviously i wasn't laughing.

[Leigh131313]

I have even had jokes made at my expense, as a joke...

Wow...I'm constantly shocked by the hurtful things people say in this world. I bet they thought they were funny.


yeah. ha-ha.

[BrandyHagz]

I did a quick edit of the last two posts - just a reminder that this is a family site and we'd like to avoid the use of things like that

No harm, no foul...

[rrrobie]

Great thread! I'm always wishing for a "birthparent manual" and since there is no such thing, hearing from other birthparents is so refreshing.

I ended up marrying the first guy I dated after I placed my birthdaughter. My dad always told me to err on the side of waiting too long rather than telling a guy too soon.
I wish I could say I followed my dad’s advice and that I told my now-husband about my birthdaughter over a classy dinner when I felt the time was right, but I'd be lying.

From the moment we met, I was so nervous about having this huge "secret" that I convinced myself he was going to somehow find out and dump me. All the (unnecessary) anxiety and paranoia built up over our first few dates and one night at a party, I ended up having WAY too much to drink. Maybe it was a subconscious effort to let my guard down, but regardless, I ended up telling him everything while he held my hair back L.

The next day I was convinced he would never speak to me again, so I just chalked it up to experience and prepared myself to move on. He called later that day to check on me. After several moments of awkward silence, he finally asked me if I remembered what I had told him. When I said I did, he got very quiet. Then he said "you know that doesn't change how I feel about you, right?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
Don’t get me wrong, I definitely don’t recommend telling someone the way I did, but I also think it goes to show that when the new guy/girl in your life is right, they will accept ALL of you and your past.

Going on the advice of my single-parent friends, I never introduced my husband to my birthdaughter until we were engaged...they all advised me that even though I felt he was "the one" from very early on, not to bring someone into her life until I was 100% certain he was going to be a permanent fixture in mine. (Good advice!)

When it comes to my relationship with the family, he is extremely supportive and often accompanies me on visits.
It’s not all wine and roses, though. No one in his family knows about my birthdaughter, and we go back and forth about if/when/how to tell any of them, and some days it is very hard. His older sister has two daughters and it irritates me to no end when she talks to me about pregnancy and labor like I have never experienced it.
On top of that, it is often hard to see how much he loves his two nieces because, in a way, he loves them more than my birthdaughter. He doesn’t know my birthdaughter as well as he knows his nieces and he hasn’t been a part of my birthdaughter’s life like he’s been a part of theirs, so it only makes sense for him not to feel as strongly towards my birthdaughter, but it is still painful to know my first child does not mean as much to him (or any other member of his family for that matter) as his sister’s children.
Childish, I know, but I’m just being honest here.

Another big hurdle we had was our first mother’s day together as a married couple. It hurt my feelings a lot when he didn't acknowledge me on mother's day. I felt like he acknowledged his sister, his mother and his grandmother, but not me and it stung A LOT.
We were able to talk about it, though, and in his defense, I had never expected him to acknowledge me before we were married, so he didn’t think I was expecting him to acknowledge me after our wedding, even though I had assumed he would.
I ultimately learned the hard way, that we have to talk out our expectations when it comes to my birthdaughter instead of assuming anything.

We've only briefly talked about what kind of relationship our future kids might have with my birthdaughter and that is one big question mark currently on my mind that I would LOVE to hear from other birthparents on. What is the relationship your subsequent children have with your birthchild?
I guess the challenges don't ever end.
Now if someone would only get started on that birthparent manual…. J