[Danielle]

I was just wondering if anyone could give me their point of view on my current situation. I am considering donating eggs to my sons mother(adoptive). I am a birthmother of a gorgeous 5 year old boy. We have a very open adoption and I couldnt be happier. Throughout the years I have built a strong relationship with my sons adoptive mother, we are like family. The adoptive parents went though an unexpected divorce and my sons Amother has remarried. They are very eager to get pregnant but are having difficulty with getting an egg donor. I am really sitting on the fence with it. I know that if I were unable to get pregnant I would want somebody to do this for me, I know that if my son is going to have a sibling I think it would be great for them to have a biologocal connection, and I personally grew up with 2 siblings and couldnt imagine being an only child. I have not mentioned to his Amom that I am considering this, just because I dont want to commit to something I am not positive on.
Im wondering if doing this would confuse my birth son?
Im worried that if Amom goes through a pregnancy she will feel more attatched and connected to the new baby and leave my birthson excluded?
.....basically just looking for any in put possible!
Thank you Everyone!!
D*

[SchmennaLeigh]

First, you need to thoroughly research egg donation. It is an invasive procedure that can have further effects on YOUR reproduction.

Here's a great link: http://www.health.state.ny.us/nysdoh...y/eggdonor.htm

And here are some good highlights:

If you apply to become an egg donor you may have several medical visits before you are accepted. These visits will include a physical and gynecological exam, a medical and family history, blood and urine tests, and a psychological evaluation. You will also discuss your rights and responsibilities with a program representative. A donation will not occur unless you are accepted, matched with a woman who will receive your eggs, and give your consent.
Using donated eggs to establish a pregnancy involves in vitro fertilization (IVF). First, you will take a series of fertility drugs (some of which must be injected) to stimulate your ovaries to produce many eggs at one time. While using the drugs, you will have frequent medical tests. Removing the eggs from your ovaries involves a minor surgical procedure. After you recover from egg retrieval, your part of the treatment cycle is finished.

Even though your intention is to give these eggs to a specific family, certain laws regulate donation:

Screening for inherited disease: Most programs try to learn all they can about a donor's genetic make-up in order to minimize the chance that a baby will have a birth defect or serious inherited disease. You will be required to provide your complete medical history. You will be asked medical questions about your biological parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters. The program may tell you what information to collect, or they may have you work with a genetic counselor to identify:

• Any birth defects that required surgery or resulted in medical problems (such as a cleft lip, spina bifida or a heart defect).
• Certain genetic disorders (such as Huntington's disease, hemophilia, Tay Sachs disease or sickle cell anemia).
• Inherited diseases that are of special interest to a recipient because of her own family history.
• Any major medical problems, surgeries, mental retardation, or psychiatric problems.

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine suggests that a woman should not donate eggs if she:

• Has a serious psychological disorder.
• Abuses drugs or alcohol or has several relatives who do.
• Currently uses psychoactive medications.
• Has significant stress in her life.
• Is in an unstable marriage or relationship.
• Has been physically or sexually abused and not received professional treatment.
• Is not mentally capable of understanding or participating in the process.

If any of your close, blood relatives have serious psychiatric disorders, the program needs to know, because some psychiatric disorders may be inherited.

If you're saying, but this is planned by us:

If someone asks you to donate, it does not automatically mean you can. In New York State, a "known" donor must undergo the same screening as an "anonymous" donor. In addition, the program will make certain that you are not feeling pressured to take part because of your emotional or financial ties to the recipient. For example, you may not be allowed to donate eggs to your boss or to your mother. Because of the risk of inherited disease, you will not be allowed to donate eggs if you are a close blood relative of the intended father.

Find out the laws for YOUR state.

Information about the invasive procedures and risks:

These are the standard steps in the process and the risks:
Stopping your normal cycle: You may be prescribed a medication for one or more weeks to temporarily halt your ovaries' normal functioning.
This makes it easier to control your response to fertility drugs. A doctor or nurse will give you an injection or instruct you about how to inject the medication daily at home.
The risks: The medications can cause hot flashes, vaginal dryness, fatigue, sleep problems, body aches, mood swings, breast tenderness, headache, and/ or vision problems.
Stimulating egg production: In a normal menstrual cycle, one egg matures and, at ovulation, is released from an egg-containing sac (called a follicle) on the ovary. In egg donation, the goal is to obtain several mature eggs. You will be prescribed medication to stimulate your ovaries to mature more eggs than normal (called "controlled hyperstimulation"). The medications are similar to the hormones that your body produces, but at much higher doses. These medications must be injected (either under your skin or into a muscle). Treatment will start on a specific day of your cycle and continue for about ten days. You will be shown how to inject the medications. If you are unable to inject yourself reliably, you will need someone else to do it for you.
The risks: You may develop soreness, redness or mild bruising around the injection site. You may experience mood swings, tender breasts, enlarged ovaries and mild fluid retention. Occasionally, the medications cause more hyperstimulation than intended (known as "ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome," or OHSS). This will cause fluid retention and swelling of the ovaries. In mild OHSS, you may have abdominal pain, pressure and swelling. This should go away after your next period. In moderate OHSS, you may require careful monitoring, bed rest and pain medication. Severe OHSS is rare but can cause serious medical complications, including blood clots, kidney failure, fluid build-up in the lungs, and shock. In rare cases, hospitalization is necessary and the condition can be life-threatening. One or both of your ovaries may have to be removed. The risk of OHSS decreases after the eggs are retrieved.
If you show signs of OHSS before the eggs are ready to be retrieved, the doctor may decide that it is too risky for you to keep taking the hormones. You must stop using the medication and the cycle will be canceled.
If you decide, for some reason, not to undergo egg retrieval after having completed fertility drugs, you increase your risk of OHSS. Very rarely, an enlarged ovary will twist on its stalk and cut off its blood supply. This painful condition requires immediate surgery and the ovary may have to be removed. Also, very rarely, a woman has an allergic reaction to fertility drugs.
You can become pregnant during the cycle, if you have unprotected intercourse. This could occur if some of the eggs are released before retrieval, or if the doctor is unable to retrieve all of the mature eggs. There is a chance that you could become pregnant with twins, triplets or quadruplets. You must abstain from intercourse or use effective barrier contraception. Ask the doctor about restrictions on intercourse during the donation cycle.
The long-term risks of fertility drugs are unknown. A few studies suggest that fertility drugs might increase a woman's risk for developing ovarian cancer later in life. Others do not show this link. At this time, no one knows for sure.
Monitoring your progress: During the donation cycle, you must have frequent blood tests and ultrasound examinations to track the developing eggs and to see how you are responding to the hormones. Based on these tests, you will be told how to adjust the dose of medication. The ultrasound exams involve inserting an ultrasound probe (about the size of a tampon applicator) into your vagina so the doctor can see the growing follicles on your ovaries.
When the time is right, you will receive a final injection of another drug to prepare the eggs for retrieval. This injection is given shortly before egg retrieval.
The risks: Blood drawing can cause mild discomfort and there is a chance you will develop a bruise in the area where the needle was inserted. Ultrasound examination may be slightly uncomfortable but has no known risks.
Removing the eggs: The eggs will be removed from your ovaries in a minor surgical procedure called transvaginal ovarian aspiration. An ultrasound probe will be inserted into your vagina. A thin needle attached to the probe will be inserted into each follicle. Using suction, the egg and liquid inside each follicle are removed. You may be given painkillers, sedatives or anesthesia during the retrieval, which lasts about 30 minutes. When all the eggs have been retrieved, you will recover for a few hours before going home. You must have someone drive you home. Afterwards, you will need to rest for the day. Often, it takes several days of restricted activity to recover.
The risks: After the needle is inserted into the ovary, there may be bleeding. Although rare, it is possible to damage or puncture the bowel, bladder or nearby blood vessels. In the unlikely possibility of severe internal bleeding or serious damage to the pelvic organs, major abdominal surgery may be needed.
To prevent infection, you may be given antibiotics. If infection occurs, it may affect your own future fertility. Ask the doctor about the risks of all medications used during retrieval.
Follow-up care: You should be given clear instructions about what to do if you need medical attention. In some programs, donors return for one or two check-ups. You may also be scheduled to meet with a counselor.
Many programs do not provide follow-up care, and it is normal for a donor to feel let down after her intense involvement in the process ends.
Many women are concerned that giving up some of their eggs may reduce their ability to later become pregnant. If there are no complications, being an egg donor should not affect your later fertility. However, if you develop serious complications, involving bleeding, infection, or loss of an ovary, it may jeopardize your ability to conceive.

If you work full time, are a parent or go to school full time:

Egg donation is time-consuming. During the donation cycle, you will be given medications for about three weeks, and you will make several visits to the program for blood tests and ultrasounds.
You will be responsible for arranging your work or school schedule to fit the demands of egg donation. Some donors find it difficult to continue their normal activities. They have trouble keeping up at school or on the job, and in fulfilling their family responsibilities.
You will be required to refrain from drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and using illegal drugs. You will not be able to use any prescription or non-prescription drugs without permission. If you are in a sexual relationship, you must abstain from unprotected intercourse during specific weeks of the treatment cycle.

About legal issues:

Do not sign any contract before you have completed the informed consent process. Do not sign any contract that you do not fully understand. Some programs may require you to meet with a program lawyer to discuss the provisions of the contract. These lawyers represent the program's interests, not yours. You may wish to get independent legal advice before signing.
Confidentiality: A program or broker will gather a great deal of information about you from your application and throughout the screening process. In order to donate, you must agree to let a program disclose certain information to potential recipients of your eggs. If you are donating anonymously, the recipient should not be given your name or any information that can be used to identify you.
Before giving any information to an agency or a broker, ask about all the ways it may be used. Do not apply unless you are comfortable with the answers.

This is more than just a "will my son be confused" question. While it is awesome that you are so caring about your child's family and their emotional well-being, YOU are NOT responsible for creating a family for them. YOU are NOT only an incubator. YOU are NOT only on this earth to provide children for other people. Yes, you placed a child with them. That doesn't mean that they have any right to your eggs, etc, whether this was your idea or theirs. You need to consider the effect on YOUR health before you make such a life altering decision.

A friend of mine recently considered donating their leftover embryos from their IVF. After discussing things with me, she decided she could not do it because parting from a child that could have/should have/would have been hers felt emotionally wrong.

I can tell you, my friends that have gone through the fertility treatments have been uncomfortable, moody and one had a problem that involved a year of follow up treatment, though I don't know the name of what happened. She IS fine now but it was a scary and very UN-fun year.

Please consider YOURSELF before making such a huge decision.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Oh, and a note: any pregnancy, whether it's your egg, her own or a random person, will not cause her to be more attached. The good mothers of the world love all of their children, no matter how they came to their family, with equality.

[Danielle]

Thank you for your advice!

Many of the things you said are issues that have been on my mind as well. I just turned 21 and I am in a full-time nursing program which is very demanding.
I just dont know how to feel about it. I tend to be empathetic which is the reason I am considering all of this. I couldnt imagine not being able to have children, so I truly do feel for her.
She has done so much for me, remained in constant contact for nearly 6 years, which I would be completly lost wihtout. I consider myself lucky to have someone so generous and caring in my life.
I know there is a lot to take into consideration.
Although I am happy with my adoption I was only 15 when I had my son, and now that I am 21 I sometimes feel regret. I feel that this is selfish though, becuase he is happy and thats really all that matters.
Im wondering if I do go through with this if I will feel any connection to that child as well or do I only feel connection with my Bson because I gave birth to him?
The more I think about it....the more skeptical I become, and your advice is very helpful !
Do you think it is wrong of me to be considering this? ...
Thanks again!
D*

[SchmennaLeigh]

Although I am happy with my adoption I was only 15 when I had my son, and now that I am 21 I sometimes feel regret. I feel that this is selfish though, becuase he is happy and thats really all that matters.

No, it's not selfish. I was recently trying to tell someone the difference between regretting situational problems (the necessity(or not) to place your son) and still loving your son and his family. To be selfish, you would have to disrespect them as a family (refuse to call his mom by her rightful title of mom, etc) or other things like that. Regret is natural and it is not always the negative thing that so many try to portray it. I've written about that before but so many people balk at the word regret.

Anyway, nursing students have VERY full schedules. Our best friend's wife has just finished and I don't know how she did it. I know that I couldn't have done so! Best of luck to you!

All this said, only you will be able to know if you will feel a connection to a child that comes from an egg you've donated; donors all feel different from the reading I've done. Much the same way that firstmothers feel different about their placements, ya know? Do you feel a connection with your son? On the chance that they look similar, would it hurt you more? These are things you need to consider. Have you considered entering counseling/therapy to work through some of these questions/answers?

All that said, empathy is a beautiful thing to possess. If more people were empathetic to the different pains of the world, we'd see a whole lot more compassion floating about in the world.

Also, I'm going to pose a question to you and I don't want you think I'm accusing you of anything but, as I've seen a few firstparents now consider donating, I've been noticing an underlying theme: Are you doing this purely out of empathy or do you have an unconscious want, need or desire to feel "needed" again? One or the other doesn't make you a BAD person. Don't misunderstand me. The latter is still a legitimate reason but it may end up causing you heartache in the end. Know that your son needs you. You are not an afterthought in this life. You brought him into this world and have travelled the hard road of maintaining contact. I'm just hoping you're not feeling "unneeded." I'm sure there are quite a few people who find you indisposable.