[SchmennaLeigh]

Miscarriage is a delicate subject no matter your position in the triad or whether you're even touched by adoption. It effects those who have suffered the loss of a pregnancy all on different levels.

I suppose I should share why I'm asking about this:

On June 8th, my Husband and I lost a baby to an early miscarriage. It was unexpected and my grief is confusing and compounded. A group of my firstmom friends, in efforts to console me, told me of their miscarriages. I had not known all of these stories. I was surprised how all the women talking to me had suffered this tragedy.

And then I wondered, especially while reading the BOTM, how many other firstparents have experienced a miscarriage, whether early or late in pregnancy. If you want to share your story, please feel free. No one here is going to say anything rude and if they do, I'll get Crick to beat them with her ban stick. If you don't want to share, just vote in the poll. Know that this will be a safe place for you to share your stories. (Obviously, closed and open adoption firstmoms are invited to vote.)




I would ask that only firstparents vote in the poll OR, if you are an adoptee or adoptive parent and know the answer for your or your child's firstmom, feel free to answer. I decided not to make the votes public so I obviously cannot enforce this but I was hoping to figure out if this is a common occurence or not. I cannot enforce this request since I am not making votes public but, ya know, just asking.

[mom2GRLC]

I just wanted to add my sympathies to you and others. That must be so difficult.

[bromanchik]

I have lost two babies to miscarriage. The first was at 5 months, in Germany. Can you say "I am going into shock" in German. Neither could I. I had an emergency D&C and lost a third of my blood volume. It wiped me out. I still fight anemia.

I went on to have my daughter. Healthy pregnancy and good birth.

The second was after my daughter's birth, and was at 12 weeks. This one wiped me out emotionally. Compound grief.... four pregnancies and one child with me. I was afraid to try again, but I am glad I did. I went on to have my son.

[DebCsMom]

I want to add how sorry I am for you, also.

I am not a first Mom but have lost 3 pregnancies, one being twins at 11 weeks.

It is very painful & I hope you heal soon.

Deb

[NDN]

Not a firstparent, but I wanted to add my sympathies. I'm terribly sorry that you had to go through this. The grief from a miscarriage can be immense, I can only imagine how that must be compounded by being a firstparent. I'm so sorry for your loss. If you are interested, I know of a good forum for dealing with miscarriage issues. Pm me if you would like.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Jenna,
I also wanted to add that I'm sorry, too. I don't know how it feels to be a first parent, but I do know the ache and the grief that comes with miscarriages.

If you ever want to chat, I'm more than happy to listen.

(hugs)

[saxxxy]

Jenna

My daughter's First Mom had a miscarriage about a year or so before placing our daughter. It was very painful for her and it was a child she would have parented given the circumstances at the time. (fyi - I did not vote for her)

I am sorry for your pain. I have never miscarried, but I have had two failed adoptions. A planned for baby is just that; whether losing them through miscarriage or adoption it hurts horribly. My thoughts are with you during this time.

[Found at last]

Jenna,

I can understand the pain you must be feeling. I placed my daughter in 1978. After 5 years and two marriages, I found out that I was pregnant again. At 11 weeks, I lost the baby. At the time, I felt that I was being punished for getting pregnant the first time. Shame and guilt was very common for birthmothers in 1978. Of course, I have worked my way through that now. Miscarriages just happen somtimes.

Hugs to Jenna and her DH,
Take care of yourself,
Found

[coco46]

Jenna,

I have been thinking of you so often lately. I just popped over here yesterday to see what was happening, and I saw your ticker.

I'm so, so sorry. ((((Jenna))))

Before Bean came along, DH and I lost our pregnancy at 8 weeks, after seeing a HB and everything. One week, we had a baby growing. The next week, there just wasn't a heartbeat anymore. I was so devastated I could hardly function, and it was one of the few times I have ever seen my husband cry.

As a bmom, it was doubly hard for me, and I wonder if others feel the same, because in my heart of hearts, I truly felt like I was being punished for relinquishing K. Like I was not fit to be a mom, and this was my "proof". That made it especially difficult to heal.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of you.

[carolynppk]

Dear Jenna,

I just saw this post and wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I am kind of glad I found this late because when I had my miscarriage, many people were supportive in the beginning but couldn;t understand, especially since I was in my first trimester, whay I was still upset. So I am thankful to have the chance to check in on you since it has been a little while and let you know there are others who understand your pain and grief.

While I am not a first parent, I had my first three children with my first husband who passed away. WHen I remarried, my current husband had not had any children so we figured we better start ASAP. We needed a bit of help since my ovulation was off, but got pregnant the first month after taking a pill to start my ovulation. WHen I went for my first OB visit I measured big. Since I had been taking a low dose fertility med and was over 30, the first thing to go through our minds was "TWINS". We were SO excited going to the ultrasound, looking for two little spots, instead we found that the baby had died at 6 weeks. It was so hard for me, but even more devastating for my husband who had never had children before. I camn remember talking to the doctor about everything before the DNC and my husband kept saying, "Maybe it's just sleeping?"

My mother had bought me a Christmas ornament as soon as I was pregnant (she had been on vacation and saw it and couldn't resist) It is a pregnant doughwoman-with a list of baby names. I still put the ornament up every Christmas and think of my baby in heaven. Many don't understand, I was only 6 weeks along, but from the moment I found out I was pregnant, that was my child.

SOrry for posting, as I am not a first mom, but I find so few chances to talk about the baby I lost and how much I already loved it, even though I was only 6 weeks. It was my baby!

Carolyn

[msdesi]

I'm sorry for your loss...(((hugs)))

I've had 2 miscarriages after placement.

I waited a long time after placement to think about marriage and children. I placed 1993 and didn't get married until 2000. It was early 2003 when we decided we were ready to start family. It took I think about 3 months to get pregnant and we were so excited and happy...then at my 12 week appointment there was no heartbeat.

It took us another 8 or 9 months before I was pregnant again, in spite of the fact that I was charting. This time I lost the baby at home when I was 8 weeks.

Since then I just don't get pregnant. I've stopped charting but we aren't using birth control either.

Maybe someday...but it's hard to believe anymore it's ever going to happen again for me.

[SchmennaLeigh]

((hugs mdesi))

I'm sorry for your losses as well. This is another thing that I dislike right now about adoption agencies/society in general. We're told we can go on to have more children. For too many firstmothers, that's not always the case. It's so sad.

((hugs carolyn))

I'm glad you were able to share about your baby here. Did you ever have a memorial for your lost little one? Josh and I scattered roses on the lake in honor of Rose Angel. I read something that I had written for her. While it didn't take away the pain... it gave me something concrete. Memories.

[msdesi]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

This is another thing that I dislike right now about adoption agencies/society in general. We're told we can go on to have more children. For too many firstmothers, that's not always the case. It's so sad.

That's so true. Fertility is not promised us. ~~~~sigh~~~~ I have some hope. I'm thinking just from looking at my past charts that I may not be ovulating every cycle. I should speak to my Dr. about Clomid. Since my last miscarriage, my husband and I have just been sort of going along and wishing for a surprise but he was just saying yesterday how no one is getting younger and we need to get the ball rolling on starting a family. Lol. It's a big step though, to start fertility treatment. This is a situation I'm never thinking I'll have.

[hippichik413]

Miscarriage is such a heartbreaking thing to experience.. my heart goes out to all of you. I placed my son when I was 17 yrs old. It took me 8 yrs to get pg with my 2nd son. Last year (almost 10 yrs later) I finally got pregnant again. We were so excited. I went in for a check up around my 18th week, everything looked great, but the doc thought i might be farther along because of size so he scheduled a sonogram in my 23rd week (i wanted to be as far along as possible to see the babys sex). When I had my sonogram the technician wouldn't say anything and finally left saying the machine was out of paper. Next thing I know i'm being dragged to another room where the doctor tells me that the baby had died. I couldn't believe it.. I had just heard a strong heartbeat a month before. Because of how far along I was I couldn't do a dnc. I had to be dilated and wait to deliver. It was devastating.. the waiting, the delivery, the pity from everyone I knew. For me not only did I have the loss of this baby, but it brought fresh the loss i felt placing my 1st son. No one should ever have to face the pain of losing a baby. All of you will be in my thoughts. And I wish for healing hearts!

[carolynppk]

Thank you all for your kind words and allowing me to post here even though I am not a first mother and my heartfelt condolenses go out to all of you that have experienced this loss. (I used clomid to get pregnant with the baby we miscarried and the next one, after that the next two came fourteen and then fifteen months later on their own, I just needed my ovulation "jump started")

My sister in law had a similar situation with the ultrasound tech, they wouldn't tell her a thing, but it was obvious something was wrong. It turns out her baby had no kidneys. There was -0- chance of survival after birth so they induced labor then. I was fortunate enough that my ultrasound tech was very honest with me about what was going on. It was a Friday and the doctor always does surgeries first half of the day. She told me what she suspected (knew) and had me make an appointment right after the doc got out of surgery. He then had me come back the end of the day to do a DNC. After having my first husband pass away, I was thankful to have someone being straight forward with me, even if it wasn't the news I wanted to hear.

Again, all of you who have suffered this devastating loss, many hugs and you are all in my thoughts!

In memory of our angels, we will always love you!!!!

Carolyn