[rykyki]

It's really great to see that so many of your open adoption experiences have been so positive. Not so much for our family. The first six years were great, photos, updates and twice annual visits at my home. Birthmom gave birth to a son, decided to parent, and now wants her birth daughter to almost "rejoin" the family. Has requested I allow our daughter to be in birthmom's Christmas photocard with her son, etc. Our daughter, now almost 9, has NO desire to meet birthmom's son. She is aware of him, has seen his photo, but states that it will "hurt her feelings" to meet child birthmom "kept." Lots of discussion, lots of tears, lots of strong will from daughter. Birthmom very aggressive about forcing meeting-lots of phone calls around birthday and holiday times-LOTS OF DRAMA AND STRESS!!!!!! Any suggestions? I would have no problem maintaining openness with birthmom, as promised, but no one anticipated this. I feel our daughter should not be forced into this when she is clearly not comfortable and hurt. In welcome any input. Thank you.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Rykyki; I split this post off the original thread so that your question can have the attention it deserves.

My first question to you is: is your daughter in counseling/therapy? Are you, as a family, in counseling or therapy? If not, I HIGHLY recommend it at this point. It's normal for children, even biological, to have issues that need sorted through and talked out in a safe place. Your daughter is showing you that she is having normal issues with placement and could greatly benefit from having someone to hash these feelings out. Hopefully you can find a therapist with open adoption experience; could your agency help you seek one out?

Secondly; I would suggest, for you and the firstmom, to seek out a mediator. She needs to understand that agressively pursuing things like visits and the pictures, at this time, is not beneficial for your child. Having another child post-placement can really open a firstmom's eyes to a lot of things regarding adoption and placement and thus make them severely miss their placed child. She needs to be giving your daughter the space to work through these issues in therapy and tone down her aggressive pursual of something the daughter is obviously not ready for at this time. Really, your agency should be able to suggest a mediator for this type of thing. I would suggest not using your agency to mediate because, honestly, they have YOUR best interest in mind and not necessarily the firstmom's. You need neutral turf.

Keep us updated.

[Boulderbabe]

Is there any possibility of having some meetings between bmom and your daughter, without the new child along, so that the birthmom can begin to explain to your daughter why she placed her and not her son? Maybe easing into this might make it go more smoothly.

[rykyki]

Having her birthmom visit without her son has occurred twice per year for the past 2 1/2 years since his birth, but birthmom now says she will not visit without him. I'm not really comfortable with having birthmom explain why she placed her, as there are some extremely difficult circumstances surrounding it, and I fear that these would possibly impact negatively upon how our daughter feels about her birthmom. We have always, and will always, speak about birthmom in a loving and positive manner. I guess that we have been guilty of trying to "protect" our daughter from really hurtful information and I do not feel that she is at a stage at which she can process it without it damaging her in some way.
Thank you to everyone who has posted. This is really great "food for thought" to consider.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by rykyki

Having her birthmom visit without her son has occurred twice per year for the past 2 1/2 years since his birth, but birthmom now says she will not visit without him.

A lot of birthmoms make this mistake. They are looking to be inclusive, but do not realize how this comes off to children. I would tell the birthmom that your daughter still needs special alone time with her. My other kids always came along because I was breastfeeding, but I made sure I had time alone with my son and had my husband take care of the baby.