[tomatolvr]

I am the firstmother of an almost 8 year old little girl. I became pregnant with her as a result of rape. I did want to keep my little girl, I was 21 when I had her, so age wasn't the issue and neither was the rape. I just felt like she wasn't meant for me, like I was given the gift of her to give someone else the gift of a child. I also wanted her to have better than I was able toprovide at the time. A family with a stay at home parent and financial stability were very important to me, and at the time I had neither.

I have an open adoption with her family. She knows who I am and she knows her sisters and her brother. I see her (along with the rest of my family) every time we have a family gathering or there is a holiday. Its great to be able to watch her grow and still be in her life, yet that in a way makes it harder also.

You see, in the beginning everything was grand. Her parents promised that the mom would stay at home with her (the dad is rolling in dough, so there is no financial hardship suffered there) and they promised to quit smoking. They promised to love her and cherish her, and I trusted them. Things have gone down hill in the past 8 years.

They never did give up smoking, as a result her and her little brother (whom is their biochild and a suprise) have health issues related to the smoking. Amom continued to work, meanwhile, I went on to marry and have other children and was staying at home with them. I feel terrible about this, that my children get the life that I wanted for her, and I gave her up so that she could have that life but she doesn't. Amom actually does stay at home now, but not with the children, they attend school and then go to daycare immediately after until Adad picks them up.

Amom has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, she sometimes stays in for weeks at a time. She revels in the attention she gets for this. Biodd has to go visit her mother in the mental institution. Amom is always complaining to me that I gave her "my only bad child". She has even mentioned that she has slapped biodd, which is something I am vehemently against. Biodd is always dressed in rags, meanwhile she sees my children dressed to the nines and I know she must wonder about the justice in that.

I just feel so terrible. I gave her up because I wanted her to have a wonderful life, one that I didn't feel I was capable of providing at the time and now she just has a horrible life. I know that soon she is going to start asking questions and I don't know how to answer them. Its all my fault that she lives like this, all my fault.

It hurts so much to think back on the day of her birth and to remember handing over this newborn baby to this couple that I thought was going to adore her and realize that things didn't work out as planned. I wish I could go back, if I had a crystal ball I never would have done it.

How can I get over this?

[Lucy_Mom]

I'm so sorry -- I do know how you feel because my son isn't having the happy life with the fantastic parents he was meant to have either.

I have really struggled trying to make sense of it -- and while I could always cope with my own grief, dealing with HIS sadness has been almost unbearable.

It is not easy but you have to, HAVE TO, keep telling yourself that when you placed, you really believed it was "for better". You had no way of knowing how it would turn out, and obviously wouldn't have placed if you did.

I've also asked myself 100 times over WHY I didn't think of the future but the agency so encouraged the story-book endings that I was completely sold on it being the right thing to do.

Anyway, I am sorry. I know this is very hard. I wish I had good answers but I don't. But how things are is NOT your fault and you do have to keep telling yourself that (and it does help).

Hugs
Lucy

[mourning]

i just placed my daughter 2 months ago and moving on the best way possiable but cant help feeling guilty maybe i couldve raised 2 kids being single and one having a disability seems like i have ups and downs

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I just wanted to show support, too.

((HUG)) to you.

Hind sight... such a smack in the face sometimes...

Im not sure it is something to get over... probably just something we have to learn to cope with....

So sorry this happened.

Christine

[Leigh131313]

I have no idea how you could possibly get over this....but as christine said...just cope and live...and be there for her when she needs you.

[tomatolvr]

Thank you for the support everyone. I do try to cope everyday and I used to be able to handle it better. Its strange that the more time that goes by the more emotional I get over the adoption and the not so happy ending. I guess its because I know my biodd is beginning to question things herself and soon will begin asking me the hard questions. I don't want her to hate me for what I did, I truly did believe in my heart that I was doing what was best for her, if only I had had a crystal ball.

I am so sorry for the others that are going through the same thing. Its hard enough to place a child without then coming to the realization that the life that was promised them is not to be.

[SchmennaLeigh]

tomato; I didn't get to welcome you because I've been a bit overwhelmed with personal issues the past few days. Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear your story and that you're having a hard time. It breaks my heart for you. Continue to post; you will find that we all have big ears for listening and broad shoulders for crying.

[lilly123]

Tomato,

everything that we do for our "first children" we as mothers feel that it is the best thing to do. Hang in there, get educated on exactly what your rights are. Be prepared for ANYTHING ALWAYS!!!! I know it is hard to have an answer to everything, but try.

Good things DO come to good people, remember that!!!

This is a great place to make friends and get great advice!!!

My prayers are with you!!

XOXOXOXOXOXO
Lilly