[SchmennaLeigh]

Hi all! I think that every two months or so I'm going to do a thread like this one.

Please share with us how your current open adoption is going. How are you emotionally? Any upcoming visits? For those of you in therapy/counseling, any new breakthroughs? Any new stories you want to share with us? On the same note, for those of you struggling, how are you doing? Any headway with the problems you've been encountering?

And of course, update us on what you're doing with yourself, personally (meaning: non-adoption related!), nowadays.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Hi all! I think that every two months or so I'm going to do a thread like this one.

Please share with us how your current open adoption is going. How are you emotionally? Any upcoming visits? For those of you in therapy/counseling, any new breakthroughs? Any new stories you want to share with us? On the same note, for those of you struggling, how are you doing? Any headway with the problems you've been encountering?

And of course, update us on what you're doing with yourself, personally (meaning: non-adoption related!), nowadays.

Okay I'll bite... lots going on here in our lives. We are matched and waiting with eparents due 6/24. It is exciting but we are trying to give them space to make this decision without us hanging around. It's hard though too, because they're 6 hours away and I would love to be able to spend more time getting to know them. I talked to V on Thursday and all seems to be well with her and babe. They are still trying to decide if they want contact after the baby's birth. I have told them both how open we want to be and I think V wants more than P (edad) but she won't say that in front of him.

I've also been very honest with them about how placement will go. THey keep saying "whatever you (meaning me & DH) wants...it's your baby." And I keep saying "no, this child really isn't ours until he/she is here and then, you make the decision." I even talked to them in front of the SW at our match meeting about how I knew that they would have to remake this decision when babe is here and if they made a different one, including parenting, they needed to know that we supported them. SW was making it sound all too "smooth" about how the birth and time following will go. I don't have any rose-colored ideas that this will be easy on anyone AT ALL, most esp V&P. I want them to feel free to make all the decisions but I want them to know that it is on their time and in their way, that we really don't have any expectations except to honor their decision to place OR not to place...in other words, to make the parenting decision they want to make, whether they parent themselves or place with us.

Can I be honest??? This is a hard place to be... I'm really struggling to hold onto hope and get ready for a baby in our lives while still holding loosely to this possibility. I already feel so strongly about V and getting to know her. I genuinely like her and hope the best for her, whatever that is. Only time will tell... we are hanging on...

We are struggling in our relnships with Bug's first family. And I am sad about this, to be honest. I wanted so much to have regular contact, esp for the sake of Bug and her two sisters, even if Bug's first mom didn't want it. But right now, it seems like we may have lost the last thread of mutual contact. K (first mom)'s parents were our contact and they aren't responding anymore either. I am genuinely hurt but know that it is in their control whether or not we see them.

I burst into tears the other day as Bug held the pic of her first mom and sibs at Christmastime. She looked at me and said, "Go park with sisters?" I cried and told her that I hoped someday we could. I would have loved to just call them up and say "can we get together???" but it doesn't work that way in our relnship.

Honestly, I never dreamed that I'd long for contact so much. And not just for DD, but for me, to know they are doing okay.

In other news... we made an offer on a new home and are hoping it goes through. So lots going on in our lives and we are looking forward to things settling down soon.

That's it from here... let's just say I'm a basket case these days. Hanging onto hope...

[SchmennaLeigh]

Here's us:

My therapy is going well. We're making some headway with some of my issues and the next one we're attempting is my anger. Blah. Apparently I suppress it. Blah. Thankfully I love my therapist or this would completely, utterly suck!

We have two visits planned for this summer, both in August; one they are coming here and one I am going there. They are coming to support me as I speak on an adoption panel at Capital University in Columbus. That's another thing. I'm nervous.

Personally, we're just continuing to fix up our house one room at a time. It's hard, ya know, when you just want to do it all at once. But we're being good and sticking to our budget. I'm also learning to care for roses and the rest of my flowers in the flower bed. This has become an absolute delight for me during Nick's morning nap. Things at work stink and I don't want to talk about it. Nicholas has a bunch of teeth, can stand while holding on to things and laughs most of the day. He is a joy.

PS. I hate summer. It's too dang hot for me at 10:49 am!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

PS. I hate summer. It's too dang hot for me at 10:49 am!

Ahem.... not feeling very sympathetic....

[Rmorgan7777]

Well I'm fairly new here. I found this site about a week ago.

I'm a bmom who placed in '89, and for the first 7 or so years, there were regular letters and pictures, then I just stopped writting. Still trying to sort out why I did that.

A couple of weeks ago I contacted the agency that I placed through and much to their happiness, I updated my address and got some pics and a letter that had been in my file since '98. I wrote a letter back to the family giving them the cliff note version of what has gone on in my life the last 8-9 years, along with a bunch of pictures which is what they had requested way back in '98.

I'm kinda freaking out........but I'll be alright since I decided that I'd let my fairly new therepist know all this.

Honestly, I have never dealt with it, the placement, I never went to group, never sought out any type of counseling afterward, nothing, and I've come to realize that (duh) it's affected me far more and in so many different ways then I would allow myself to belive before.

I also have a 13 yo who I parent, fun times......

[SchmennaLeigh]

Why do you think I don't live in AZ, silly?

[SchmennaLeigh]

RMorgan;

Wow, a lot going on. How have the pictures made you feel? Any similarities to your thirteen year old? How has the communication with the adoptive parents gone?

*hugs* Dealing with things is hard. But we're all here for you.

[Rmorgan7777]

Funny thing about the pictures... He's 8 years old in them (He's almost 17 now) so there is some sort of distance, if that makes any sense. All I kept thinking was "DANG he's a good looking boy, and he looks just LIKE his daddy". I think when I get some current pictures of him is when the flood gates will open...

I'd have to compare pictures of them at smilar ages, but they really don't look very much like each other.

I've just re-established communication with his parents and I'm waiting for my letter to be answered. We go through the agency, always have, so it takes longer to get stuff. (I really don't like having to do that, but oh well.) So now I'm just waiting and seeing what happens.

I've been told that the family was extremely happy that I got back in touch, so that should make me feel better, but it doesn't. I'm still very insecure about it, always have been.

[lahdh4]

Had a visit 2 weeks ago. Still some problems over that one and I'm working with E about that. No other visits set up right now. Would have had one in August but alas no. Working with E about speaking to paparents at the end of the summer, a online friend is writing a book and asked to use my story so I am rewritting that. I just started to mentor a woman who just recently signed papers for adoption of her son. So I have been emailing her a couple of times a day. E is trying to find me just the "right" bmom for me to talk to from the agency.

[Free_to_be_me]

So, for the past five years or so, I was doing really well. I was really happy with pretty much everything regarding my adoption situation. I am still happy about it, but the entire month of May just sucked for me. I haven't been so emotional on Mother's day or her birthday since she was about 4 years old. She is 11, now. I still haven't figured out what was/is going on in my head or why things suddenly got so rough.

However, since June started, I have been feeling much better. I had a (very short) visit last Sunday and it went as well as they always do. It was also fun because my mom and sister were there, too. I will be having a three day/two night visit in a couple weeks. I am looking forward to it, but not nervous at all.

My May funk seems to be gone, but I still don't understand it. It seemed to be about 50% adoption related (Mother's day, her birthday, a couple rough comments from acquantances) and 50% other stuff (pet problems, health concerns, missing my guy). I am a little disconcerted because it has been so long since I felt so out of control. I don't like that feeling at all...

[lahdh4]

Mine was April, HUGS, I couldn't wait for the month to be over quick enough.

[Lucy_Mom]

The little guy was just here for a long weekend. It was great having him here -- I think he loves us, as much as we love him.

Always bittersweet though, I can see so clearly what "could have been" and that's hard, especially when that feels so right and this adoption feels so wrong. I have no idea what will happen in the future, but I try not to look too far ahead. For now our bond is strengthening and I can see and feel how much my presence in his life matters to him.

I had a bit of a breakthrough with guilt. I've been plagued with thinking that I didn't try hard enough to keep him, and wondering if that meant I didn't want him, etc., etc. I finally realized that yes, I very much wanted him, but I wanted (perceived) better circumstances more. I remembered that last day in the hospital and praying for a minor miracle to occur.

Anyway, just being able to frame it that way has helped me get over the guilt hurdle to some extent.

Lucy

[banjo]

Last year I decided I could no longer continue to try to get my teenaged bdaughter's attention in an effort to try to get to know her. I was doing all the work and contact and her lack of effort was pushing me to a breakdown. So I have backed-off and told her amother to tell her to give me a ring if she wants to see me. Of course there has not been a call. What has happened which i did not expect is that, to be honest, I don't want to see her either. It's such a weird feeling after hanging out for our regular visits and contact for all these years. I just don't care anymore - it is very scary to not have those needy feelings anymore and I wonder if I am in denial? I can't even be bothered buying her a b'day gift. I use to spend hours pondering what to get her and finding the "right" card etc... My opinion of open adoption is that it is not the solution, it comes with its own unique set of issues...sigh