[SchmennaLeigh]

A friend ( ) and I recently had a conversation about parenting and parenting advice. I'll give a personal example of advice I recently gave to a friend of mine who is also a new Mother:

C was over for a playdate with Nicholas. T is his Mommy.

Nicholas rarely spits up. Usually only if you forget to burp or he refuses. In the three hours that C was here, C spit up no less than nine times. I waited a few times and then asked if she had asked the doctor about a possibility of reflux. She said she had but the doctor blew her off. I encouraged her at the next appointment (or sooner if it got worse; the next appt was in a week and a half for a checkup) to really push to have him checked. She's a new Mom and young and I know how it is hard sometimes to be assertive so I gave her encouragement. Turns out, she did ask and push and, lo and behold, he does have reflux, is now on a treatment and the spitting up? Ah, much better. Much happier baby, too!

I had absolutely no trouble asking her what she had all ready done and giving advice on the topic.

Now the original mentioned friend and I were discussing the difference between offering parenting advice to a friend, such as my friend T... and the adoptive parents of your child.

Does it make you clam up just as much as the both of us talked about?

Why is it different? Obviously, some differences will come in the fact that all families are different and all people are different. Some people are receptive to advice while others immediately take it as criticism. You have to know whether or not the Mom or Dad is one of those people first off. But, what if they are receptive? Do you still feel weird offering advice like, "Hey, it's getting a little cold, we have an extra jacket that she might fit in." Or, "Did you put sunscreen on him?"

We entrust our children to these parents. And we usually trust that they are doing a great job. But what about these little things ... or worse ... the big things. Do you feel it is not your place to offer advice when it comes to your own placed child? Why or why not? Do you struggle with this? Obviously, any advice offered would have to be given in a respectful manner as it should be with ALL people!

Even though D is my friend as well as the Mom of my daughter, I find myself waivering when it comes to offering advice to her about the Munchkin. When it comes to either of the three older boys or to JD? I have advice and it flows freely (and respectfully). But I can't manage to say something like, "Pop? Really?" (I don't know if they give her pop. I'm just saying.)

What are your thoughts on this subject in open adoption?

Please remember to speak respectfully on this topic. I understand it could be heated between adoptive and first families so, put your manners on before replying!

[HBV]

Our birthmom never does, but given her disability, I wouldn't expect it. I do get lots of unsolicited advice from bmom's dad---most of which I politely ignore. He's a nice guy and he means well, but he's one of those people who just can't help sharing his opinion about everything.

Under different circumstances I might get annoyed, but I feel pretty confident about our parenting decisions and I have a lot of support from trusted sources (my mom's a retired NICU nurse and lives 2 miles from us.) I sort of take his comments with a grain (or two!) of salt.

A delicate subject, though. Good topic for discussion.

[mom2GRLC]

Well, as long as it was given in a friendly sort of way I would welcome it. If anything it would give us something to talk about..lol!! BUt....I don't think it should come off pushy or judgemental. The truth is everyone has a different parenting style. Usually there aren't many right or wrong answers.

I mean one day the "professionals" say only 1 egg a week and then the next time you hear they should have 3. Some professionals say NO milk...milk isn't healthy for a child or an adult. Others say make sure you give them this ___ much milk every single day. I figure if even the professionals can't agree on stuff than really all we can do is what we feel is best for our child.

I think the only reason why this kind of relationship can get "sticky" with advice is because it can be a power stuggle. I mean we are each mothers to the child in different ways yet our parenting may be much different. It's one thing to offer suggestions. Another to give the impression that your way is the only way or the "Right" way.

Do you think adoptive parents giving advice/suggestions to the birthmohter who is parenting another child would be equally as "sticky". I would think it might be. They might feel like your trying to say you could do a better job at raising your child. I've heard that some birthmothers can feel a little insecure in their ability as a parent...because they have relinquished their first child...thinking or being told they couldn't parent that child.....I'm sure that may not be the case for all birthmothers but I'm sure some may feel a little nervous about everything until they start gaining some confidence in themselves and their ability to care for their child.

I think for soem adoptive parents it can be the same. When you struggle through infertility sometimes you begin to question your worthiness of being a mother or your abiluity to parent a child. Sometimes it takes a while for adoptive parents to realize they can be good parents and they don't have to "prove" themselves to anyone.

[timni]

GOOD QUESTION!!!

I actually have a hard time when dd bmom tells me what to do with her. ie I should part her hair in the middle and not on the side bc she bmom doesn't like it. I am not allowing anyone to give dd cheese until a year and bmom thinks that is silly. So my point is that when my girlfriends offer the same advice i brush it off no problem but when bmom gives it it hurts bc I feel she is judging me. Bmom and I have a GOOD relationship. We are managing to work through situations pretty well. There are a few things we disagree on and I just avoid those topics. I think first parents do have to tread more lightly when giving parenting advice to aparents and vice versa simply because of the fuzzy boundries in open adoptions and the whole coparenting issue . However, I think if we could learn to communicate and accept eachothers advice it would make a better relationship. AH!!! life it is such a learning process.

On the flipside I also know that dd bmom is the next person in line that would have dd best interests at heart. How do I know this.... She has already proved it. So in reality I should hear her advice over others. I am just still too sensitive. Maybe one day I will have enough confidence that I wont be affected by it but now it still hurts.

DD bmom is very special to me and I want her to always know that. I want her to be comfortable in our family. I want her to feel the respect that we have for her and never feel like an outsider. If I could I would erase the guilt and saddness in her life because she made me a mom and fulfilled my hearts desire. Because of all this I renew my vow to her in my heart at least weekly. She is my daughters first mother and that makes her my family. Family is not always easy but most things worth having aren't.

Sheesh I sound like a hallmark card... I guess short answer is tread lightly when giving advice but both should work on their minds until that uncomfortableness is comepletely gone.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by timni

Family is not always easy but most things worth having aren't.

So true! Along with what you said, thank you for being honest about advice from your dd's firstmom being a bit hurtful. Honesty helps us all. Along with what you said about cheese, my own Mother and our grandparents are annoyed the we didn't start Nick on solids until almost 6 months and won't be giving ANY table/finger foods until 10 months... and even those have restrictions. But hey, it's our kid.

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

Do you think adoptive parents giving advice/suggestions to the birthmohter who is parenting another child would be equally as "sticky". I would think it might be.

I would think so for some. Personally, D's main advice to me are product reviews. No leak sippy cups (Avent). When Nick had his respiratory infection, I was able to call her and ask if Munchkin had anything similar. I look up to her a lot as a parent because she IS a good parent, so I go to her often with questions. (Or to my own Mom or my MIL! And even then... sometimes I'm like, "You would WHAT?!" lol)

D and I view things differently, as all families have their differences. Munchkin will be going to preschool while we may not send Nicholas to preschool depending on his personality and how his reading progression is by age four. We discussed it in the car yesterday and I see why it's important to her for Munchkin to go just as she sees why we may or may not send Nick. Neither of us felt that we were telling the other to "do it this way!" Though she did give me some more advice on the pros of sending which are good to have in mind when we make that decision in the future. We also view immunizations differently but neither of us have said, "AH! BAD PARENT!" We respect each other's decisions. Yet, there are those moments... when I want to say something... and I don't because I really DO wonder if it would hurt her feelings. Gah.

Anyway, I just got rambly!!!

[saxxxy]

Oh boy. This question did get me thinking and now I am feeling a little bit guilty. It would bother me greatly if my Sunshine's First Mom offered me advice, but I remember several occasions where I have offered her advice on the child she parents (who is one year younger than my girl). It never occured to me that it might bother her to recieve 'advice' from me.
It actually also bothers me when my younger sister (who is six years younger and had all of her kids before we adopted) gives me advice. I get defensive.

I guess I need to chill out and listen to peoples advice, I might be missing out on something good by getting an 'attitude'.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I guess I need to chill out and listen to peoples advice, I might be missing out on something good by getting an 'attitude'.

Listening doesn't mean you have to take it. Sometimes people are just talking... ya know? *hugs* Don't feel guilty! We've all done it.

[Leigh131313]

Well...this is a tough one.

First of all, I am not the type of person who appreciates unsolicitted advice. I was very clear with any guests who came to our house in the first months, If i want advice, I'll ask...if you offer it, you'll be leaving.....just ask my mother in law. Most advice is just people being judgemental, ESPECIALLY on new moms. I dont just mean this from MY situation, it's what I have observed time and time again.

Now, if M's bmom started suggesting things to me...yeah, I'd have to say I would not like it. For the reasons stated above, and also because our views are quite different. One example of this is when M fussed with her early on, she figured it was because we spoil him (meaning we hold him and spend too much time with him). Personally, I believe that baby's should be held as much as possible...thats just mypersonal feeling...but it is different than hers. His bmom is also quite young, so I can't see her really offering a ton of advice to us...and so far she hasnt.

Now, I did ask alot of questions of her mom and sister when we were in the hospital and during visits. They are both mothers and nurses, so they have dealt with many things...I saw them as an excellant resource, especially when we were sorta isoloated in their city.

I don't know how i'd have felt if they were just offering up advice....I guess it would depend on the circumstances of the conversation.


I'd also like to add...I try not to offer unsolicted advice to my sons bmom as well. She has made some decisions that I don't agree with, but it is her life and it is not my role to parent or judge her. I try to accept her as she is, unconditionally.

I guess it goes both ways, right?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Leigh;

My Mom keeps trying to tell me that we're spoiling Nicholas because we hold him a lot (or he is in the carrier with me) and it makes me want to SCREAM. Just because he fusses with her, because he doesn't know her that well or see her that often, or just because ... when he's hungry, HE IS HUNGRY and there is no in between time ... doesn't mean he is spoiled.

Sigh. Hate that one.

It does work both ways. Though sometimes I wonder if the lines blur a little in this subject because of the type of relationship. I don't know. I was trying to form a coherent thought but I'm fresh out.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Leigh;

Though sometimes I wonder if the lines blur a little in this subject because of the type of relationship. I don't know. I was trying to form a coherent thought but I'm fresh out.

I will admit that I would not appreciate receiving parenting advice from either of my children's bmothers. It might make me feel as if they are judging me, or I might feel that they feel we are coparenting or something.

Luckly, my dd bmom never gave me advice. Even when dd had a temper tantum in the store in front of her, she just stood back and smiled. The rush of love I felt for her, because she let me handle it and made no remarks about it, even tho she has a older son and has been in the situation before. I really appreciated her not saying anything. I was already a little embarrassed and if she would have given me parenting advice, I think I would have felt really horrible. She didn't say a word, she didn't try to step in. She just stood back and let me handle it. My respect for her grew 10 fold after that little scene.

My ds bmom tries to give me advice about not allowing my son to do this or that, and I resent it. We are still new in our relationship and to me, it feels as if she is judging me. We don't know each other well enough for her to be telling me what to allow my son to do and not to do. When she gives me advice like that, it makes me feel as if she feels we are not good parents.

Now if a friend was to offer advice, it wouldn't bother me and I would not be offended so I do think the lines seem to blur, at least for me, depending on who is giving the advice.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hmm. I know a few of you have mentioned that you would feel should the firstmom (or, even with Leigh, ANYONE) give advice, you would feel as if they were judging you. I, personally, don't think I've ever given advice in judgement. *thinks real hard* Usually, if I'm feeling a smidge of judgement (which happens with us all from time to time), I shut my mouth.

I find this topic insanely interesting now.

I've got to write D an email today and see how she feels on the matter and if I've ever come across as judgemental to her with the boys, Munchkin or JD.

I'll be back.

[Leigh131313]

@ Jenna!! lol

[SchmennaLeigh]

LOL@ Leigh. Ya know I <3 ya!

[firstparentblog]

I NEVER give advice. I commiserate alot. I don't have any other kids, but I am old enough to remember when my baby brother was teething and potty training and that kind of thing. I was also working as a nanny for Punkin's first year with a little guy about his age, so I was dealing with a lot of the same things they were.

For me, giving them advice is a boundary I won't cross. They are Punkin's parents and even though I may feel they aren't doing things right or could do them differently, then I just keep my mouth shut.

If they offered me advice... I wouldn't be comfortable with that. I don't feel like they have taken the time to get to know me that I would appreciate advice. But that is just me.

[SchmennaLeigh]

D's reply to my question on this subject went something to the effect of: No I've (meaning me) never overstepped my boundaries on advice giving. (I asked, of course!) She gets good advice and bad advice from everyone. Getting it from me, just because I'm Munchkin's firstmother, wouldn't make a difference. She has learned, by being a parent, to take the good advice, ignore the bad stuff and just thank the giver. Like me, she believes that advice is usually given with good intent.

We're similar in so many ways that it's kind of weird.