[SchmennaLeigh]

It's (almost) the WEEKEND! YAY! And so, with that, I pose a question. First, background.

I was reading a blog recently of a(n) (adoptive) Mom who sent her daughter to spend the night with the firstmom. I didn't see anything wrong with this. Some firstmoms did. Some adoptive Moms did.

Where do you stand? (Note: sweeping generalizations are not welcome in this thread. No, "I DON'T THINK KIDS SHOULD STAY AT THEIR FIRSTPARENTS EVAAAAR." Speak personally and own your words.)

As a firstparent, would you want your child to spend a night/weekend? As an adoptive parent, in your personal sitaution, would you be willing to this (if time and distance permit, of course). I'd also like Brandy to speak up on this subject as I know she had more than one overnight visit at her birthmom's house.

I'll speak in a moment.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I, personally, would like for this to happen someday but due to our distance, I don't know if it is a reality for our family. So, in short, I'm not opposed to the event. However, I so enjoy having J and D (and JD!) in our home, I might find myself missing them as well. On the other hand (since I'm now arguing with myself), I'm sure that the Munchkin could keep me absolutely busy that I wouldn't have time enough to miss breathing. (She's a spitfire!) But, if I'm honest, I think I might really miss late night talks with D that happen during our visits.

I just find this an interesting topic.

I don't know, either, if I would want her to stay until she could ask to stay. For example, now, she is too young to be that far from her parents for an extended time. In the elementary years, true, she will know who I am but I might be just a boring adult so forcing her to come stay with me may not be fun for her (though she could play with and/or torture Nicholas for fun). So, as she enters the tween and teen years, she could (or could not) ask to come...

and as their home is always open to me, as is my home to both her and their family in general.

Now that I've gotten entirely too rambly... what do you think? What does one do on a sleepover with their placed child? Besides take 398590756 pictures.

[BrandyHagz]

Lots of overnights on both sides, for me.

As an adoptee – I spent many a weekend at my birthfamilies house and I loved going…my aparents were older, so I only ever had one grandparent and she was much older and never really had me come stay with her (my brother, now that’s another story, he was there all the time)…anyway, I loved going because my b-grandparents were kinda substitute grandparents (haha, that’s funny…sorry)…anyway, it was nice…and no, I never, ever, not once, confused the relationship I had with them…they were just my birth grandparents…nothing more, nothing less.

As a birthmom – I’ve had my daughter with her family and my daughter without her family stay with me…for varying intervals of time. Her family stayed with me for several months when she was three/four…they’d just finished up a missionary trip in Bosnia and came back to nothing. The person they’d left in charge of their financials had bilked them of everything. I eagerly opened my home to them and I am glad they felt comfortable enough to take me up on it.

When M was eight, her parents relocated from one side of the country to the other – they stopped over in Illinois, dropped M off for a week and then proceeded to move/get settled in.

I’ve spent the night/weekend/week with them.

We’ve vacationed together…shard hotels, train cars, rental cars, changes of clothes…

I’ve overnight babysat, they’ve overnight babysat.

So, um…ya…we have an ‘o-p-e-n’ adoption…but more than that, we have an amazing friendship and respect for each other. I’d give any three of them the shirt of my back if they asked for it and they’d do the same for me…

Want me to talk more about my experience as an adoptee? I can…

[SchmennaLeigh]

Mmm, thanks for all of that Brandy. I, personally, would be interested in your experience as an adoptee if you have time and I'm sure others would benefit as well.

Thanks for the information as a firsmom, too. Was it strange having her in your home for extended periods of time? Did you ever run out of things to do? I think that I would be so overwhelmed with joy that I wouldn't know how to function.

[BrandyHagz]

Alright, sure.

Well…my adoption started out open – all my parents knew each other (but no one will tell me any bfather info, grr, another story for another time) and my bmom made the decision to place with my parents based on their relationship.

The relationship, from the get go, was intended to be fully open (visits and the whole nine yards)…that was not how it went early on though.

I was about a year old when my amom closed down the relationship…and about seven when my bio brother initiated contact through our paternal grandfather.

For a year, I had a good relationship with my bio brother and bio grandfather…but that relationship never involved overnights, because my bmom wasn’t aware of the relationship and was living with my bgrandparents at the time.

The following year, at Christmas, I was invited to dinner at a local restaurant with my birthfamily. This was the first time I *remember* meeting her (and she had no idea I’d be there, imagine the shock she must have felt!).

From that point on, I spent most of my weekends with them…and I enjoyed it very much. I enjoyed just going over there…even if we didn’t do anything special (which we didn’t really do anyway…it was just together time). This continued until I was about 15 and other events in my life kept me from being able to be a part of their life (long story and don’t want to muck this up with it).

In the end…we lost track of each other…lost contact…until four years ago. It’s been rough, because of my childhood and the thing that happened at 15 that kept us from speaking. It was rough, because of the lies, many of which weren’t discovered until last summer when we got together for the first time in almost 17 years.

Anyway - *I* never confused our relationship…I never felt depressed or sad or angry over it. I felt…(I’m trying not to use a cheesy word here)…blessed? Maybe blessed…I felt blessed to have them all in my life…more so now, than then…but even then, I remember thinking “wow, these people want me around, even though they don’t *have* to have me around”.

Some of my fondest memories:

Making string Easter Eggs out of glue, string and balloons.
Sitting in the living room talking to my older brother about our biological fathers (who were not the same person)
Sliding down the hallway in my socks
Being exposed to, eating and discovering my love for Coffee Ice Cream

Was it always easy? Nope…but I LOVE having those memories…and I’m SO glad M’s parents will allow her the same experience.

[saxxxy]

I have terrible issues with even thinking about my daughter spending the night with Grandma let alone Birth Family.

Even though we have an open adoption a lot would have to change before I would be ok with a sleepover. For right now my daughter's cutey patooty first Mom has chosen to back off from a relationship and therefor my daughter does not know her nearly well enough for even a playdate.

I don't know what the future may bring. I would rather have my daughter grow into a teenager that runs to her first Mom for support rather than just runs away or whatever teeagers tend to do.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I don't know what the future may bring. I would rather have my daughter grow into a teenager that runs to her first Mom for support rather than just runs away or whatever teeagers tend to do.

Heck, I'd rather Nick (my parented kid) run to J&D (Munchkin's parents) than to whatever it is that teenagers do. I didn't do my running until I was in my early twenties but, still, looking back, it would have been nice to have gone to SOMEONE instead of something. Ya know? Nice quote. Changes can happen, saxxy. I'll keep you, your daughter and her firstmom in my thoughts!

Brandy; I can't thank you enough for sharing that. I got a little weepy. I want memories like that for my daughter. Minus ice cream for me, ya know.

[lilly123]

I guess you ALL could guess my answer for this one!!! That would be like a dream come true!!! Hopefully it is not so far out of the question!!


XOXOXOXOXO
Lilly

[firstparentblog]

I would love for Punkin to spend the weekend with us. I think that will probably happen as he gets older. His parents are already open to us taking him by ourselves for a day. He already does overnights with other relatives so I am thinking the day may not be far off when he will stay with us overnight.

[BrandyHagz]

Well, it looks like we'll be doing some overnights this summer. M’s mom and I were talking last night and decided the kids needed to spend some quality time together – so Jerrett is going to go up for 2 weeks at the start of summer and M will come down here for 2 weeks at the end of summer…(or vice versa).

The kids are excited, which is cool. M emailed Jerrett some pictures this morning

[BrandyHagz]

By the way, I got an odd comment last night from one of my friends here locally (who is familiar with adoption, but certainly not educated).

She said, “Oh wow, you’ll let Jerrett go up there? What if she tries to keep him since she can’t have kids of her own?”

See, stupidity runs both ways...apparently, we’re all equal opportunity kidnappers ROFL

[lahdh4]

It hasn't happened yet but they (aparents) said that they would be open to J spending the night with me. It is something down the road and not now but it was placed on the table by them.

[Free_to_be_me]

My birthdaughter stays overnight at my sister's house a lot, especially when I am there too. I have never had a place that she could stay overnight at (college dorms, a cabin 3000 miles away) but I stay over at there house every time I am in the same state. My birthdaughter and her dad also spent a week at my house and both spent the night.

[Lucy_Mom]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I felt…(I’m trying not to use a cheesy word here)…blessed? Maybe blessed…I felt blessed to have them all in my life…more so now, than then…but even then, I remember thinking “wow, these people want me around, even though they don’t *have* to have me around”.

I think this is how my birthson feels -- happy that we want to have him around. I wonder when he gets older if he'll realize how happy WE were that he wanted to be around us, even though he didn't "have to" be.

Anyway, I love our weekend visits. Not so much for me but because my children, who are like twins, get the opportunity to spend time together -- they really have an intense bond, which I didn't think was possible with siblings not growing up in the same home.

I guess with adoption, you don't have any idea of what the future will hold but I'm so happy that each will have childhood memories of time they spent together.

Lucy

[BoxerLady6]

I would totally be open to it if it was possible for us. My bdaughter is wayyyy too far away and even if we lived closer we have dangerous family members that wouldn't make it possible.
I think if its do-able for your family, its an awesome thing.