[MelissaJohnson]

This next part was written as a question to Adoptive and prospective adoptive parents.

But I would love to have the opinions of other birth moms as well.

Thanks



This Is sort of a silly question but I had wondered this while I was pregnant with my birthson.

It you were in a position to adopt a baby, got to know the pbmom, planned an open adoption arangment, and then the pbmom had the baby, either you took the baby home for a while or you didnt (either/or) then the pbmom decided to parent.

Do you think that it is sort of an obligation for the new mom to try to have an open relationship with you after the baby is born?

Would you want to have a relationship anyway?

I ask this because it seems in this situations ,or even in situations that are not like this, you are not just adopting a baby; you are adopting this specific baby.
So If you,the adoptive parent, were willing to have an open adoption with the pbmom, shouldnt they return the kindness to you.

This is convoluted and I am not sure if it is exactly what I wanted to say so maybe I will try again after some replys

[mom2sweetpea2]

I had a relatiionship with the adoptive mom while I was pregnant, I thought that she was my friend. I was under the impression that our relatioship was going to stay that way after the birth and that she was going to remain my friend. Well, I was wrong. After birth and after relquishment I became nothing but a throne in her side, she wanted nothing to do with me. She wont answer me calls, she wouldnt answer emails, hell I still havent gotten a thank out of either one of them and he also 3 monthes old. I started to feel that it was just an act that she put on to get a baby. That maybe what you pbmom is thinking. I wish I would have thought all those nights that I was talking to her on the phone. In the three monthes that have pasted, I have received 15 pictures and 2 emails. Not what I wanted. I feel lied to and cheated. So maybe she is just protecting her heart or maybe she thinking that she wants to parent cause given what I know now, I would have never placed my baby in the adoptive mothers arms. I would have picked someone who kept her word. So with that I will stop talking.

[tobeafamily]

Mom2sweetpea2,

If there's one piece of advice I could give birth and newly adoptive parents at this juncture, its to give it time and space, to not give in, not give up, and never walk away. This time is HARD. You're grieving, they're grieving (yes, they are), they're coping with all the changes a new baby brings, you're coping with a body that's screaming for a baby it knew it had and doesn't now.

I can't honestly imagine talking with anyone (except our ped) every day on the phone, and I got nowhere near e-mail for weeks. We were completely whipped. Our son was not sleeping, had feeding problems that made him scream for hours, we had to juggle everything and spent literally 2-3 days a week at our ped or hospital for weeks figuring out what was going on.

I'm lucky in that his bfamily got this and was not upset that we barely communicated. If we called, we called. If we didn't, they called or they just let us be.

It may be an act. It may be simply that they're overwhelmed and exhausted. They may be struggling with a feeling that they ARE parents, not just babysitters. I had a very tough time with this, even with my son's bmom's support. I honestly kept expecting people to point at me and shout "she's not that child's mother!" For six months.

Open adoption is not about what you want or what your child's aparents want. It's what your child needs and deserves. Every child deserves to have all of their history - genetic, familial, racial, social, emotional. So for the sake of your child do not quit and do not let bitterness sour your relationship further. If need be, find a neutral third party to mediate. And give it time. You have a lifetime together now, so you might as well make the best of it. Just never quit.

Melissa,

It you were in a position to adopt a baby, got to know the pbmom, planned an open adoption arangment, and then the pbmom had the baby, either you took the baby home for a while or you didnt (either/or) then the pbmom decided to parent.

Do you think that it is sort of an obligation for the new mom to try to have an open relationship with you after the baby is born?

Would you want to have a relationship anyway?

I love Ryan's bparents as people. Having said that, I'm not sure I could have maintained a relationship with them should they have chosen to parent. Too painful to see that baby and wonder 'what could have been'. A bit like asking if you could be friends with your true love after they dumped you for your best friend. Maybe, with time. Lots of time. Maybe not. The heart can only take so much.

That's JMHO

Regina

[MelissaJohnson]

tobeafamily

I can understand that.
Would you want to know the child and know that he/she is happy and healthy?

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm confused. (It's also been a long day.)

Are you asking if expectant parents who match with a potential family and then decide to parent should remain in contact with said potential family?

If that's not what you're asking, I apologize. As I said, long day.

If that is what you are asking, I have often wondered whether or not D and I could have salvaged a friendship if I had decided to parent. The answer is probably not. Feelings are bound to be hurt. Understandable, to a point. Of course, this point right here, hurt feelings of the potential family, are often why I feel that expectant parents who match prior to birth feel obligated to place. But, that's another topic.

I'm rambling. In short, I do not think I would have kept up a relationship with a family who did not parent my child had I parented my child.

I think this can further be discussed in the manner if an expectant Mother matches with X-family and, through the months, red flags appear and she decides not to place with them but with Y-family. Should she be obligated to have a continued relationship with X-family? In my opinion, no.

My brain hurts.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by MelissaJohnson

I ask this because it seems in this situations ,or even in situations that are not like this, you are not just adopting a baby; you are adopting this specific baby.
So If you,the adoptive parent, were willing to have an open adoption with the pbmom, shouldnt they return the kindness to you.

[/color]

I experienced two failed matches, at birth, for two little boys. They were to be open adoptions. We met everyone including bgrandma's and bfathers. We were matched for 6 weeks, and the other 3 months. I will always remember those little boys. The first one ended up being a preemie.

Now on their birthday, I light a small candle for them and say a little prayer. Just hoping they're well. It helps me feel better about them to do this little ritual.

It would mean the world to me to just receive a Christmas card, even one without any contact information, just a signature and a picture. Or a photo on their birthday. That would warm my heart to the chill I feel they left there.

Here is a copy of poem I wrote about the first little boy.




"Blond haired boy"

You entered this world real early and tough
a gallant fight, one push you were off.
A tiny little boy, only 4 lbs 9 oz.
whisked to neonatal, so tiny a treasure.

But while you were starting to breathe on your own
a battle was brewing about who you would be.
I didn't have any word nor a say,
I could only sit back and watch and then pray.

From coming so close to being our child
to having a future with so much uncertain.
Who will care for you and hug you at night?
who will love you, with all their might?

Will your young father, keep his cool at night?
when a baby can't be comforted and doesn't feel right.
Will he heat your bottles, will he change your clothes?
Will he kiss your boo boo's and wipe your nose?

Will he feed you healthy and cheer at each step?
Will he keep you safely when there is no net?
What will happen to you, with a father so young
Can he appreciate you, a precious son?

Will your mother be ready to become now a Mom
Will she gather her strength and know what's to be done?
will she rock you so softy night after night?
will she smooth all your fears, will she miss all your fun?

Will she whisper how precious you are to her?
Will she cover you with kisses and lots of fresh air?
Will she live for your moments, treasure your youth?
Will she be there for you, despite her own youth?

My blond little boy, I must let you go.
For now there's just emptiness where you would have gone
I envisioned a future with your little self
I wanted you, loved you, would have given myself.

I would have given you the stars and the sun in the day
My heart, my home, and all of my days
I would have cherished your heart and nurtured your soul
I would have made sure, you grew up strong and whole.

But now that it's done with and I must let you go,
please know that I loved you with all of my soul.
I grieve for you now, yet wish you best
and hope that you'll learn to give life your best.

Be brave little boy, your future's so gray
Fight hard for your life, your here now to stay
Let the machines do their job, rest up and feel peace
I'm slipping away now, so the fighting will cease.

Your almost adoptive mother

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by MelissaJohnson

tobeafamily

I can understand that.
Would you want to know the child and know that he/she is happy and healthy?

Honestly?

I would just believe in my heart that they were healthy & happy. Because, what if they really were not? What if their parents failed them down the road? That would be worse.

That's not to say that considering placement means you're going to fail as a parent if you don't place. Just that it's always a possibility that any parent may fail their child. Also that sometimes the conditions that cause you to consider placement - social, financial, emotional - don't get better with time or assistance.

Whether the friendship, relationship survived I think would depend on what it's underpinnings were. In our case, yes, eventually his Bema and I would have remained friends and as a result of that, I would have known this child as a person. Probably.

Understand, though, that these relationships formed around an adoption plan are not natural - they are hyper-sensitive, they breed the kind of closeness that disaster survivors form when they're thrown together or that of strangers at summer camp.

Sometimes, that friend from your first overnight camp experience who you couldn't live without is still your friend years later. Many times, it doesn't work out because in the normal world you're too different. Heck, this was the whole premise behind the movie "Beaches" - two highly unlikely friends keep up a lifelong friendship despite living in completely different worlds.

So, maybe, though probably not.

HTH

Regina

[AwaitingBeloved]

Melissa,
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because of our match being so close to her due date.

I have tried to imagine how I might cope if she decides to parent. I could never be upset with her for chosing this. Just sad for us.

I've grown to really care for this woman, and her boyfriend (pbdad) and hope we could stay in touch after if this were to fall through. However, I'm not sure they'd want to. And, in all honesty, I'm not sure if I could really stay in touch for long. I guess sort of how a pbmom feels she may not know if she could stay in touch after placement until she's living it. You know? But selfishly, I would want to stay in touch with B. She's become a good friend to me.

I would love to know if their child is happy and healthy. I would never ask them though. If we were to lose touch, I would just pray and hope for the best. I wouldn't feel like it was my place to call them. Does this make sense? I almost would fear not being welcome. This family has been very welcoming, don't get me wrong. But I guess I'd feel like I'm just a stranger to them again. I can't explain it. The only reason they have any interest in talking to us, at least for now, is to talk about plans for the open adoption. I feel as if B is a friend, but not sure she'd consider me one yet. So I think I'd feel like nothing to them again. I can't express it very well I don't think. I'll stop now. :-)

[mamacrina]

What an interesting question. We've experienced 2 failed matches/adoptions. For the first one, boy/girl 9month twins, I was disappointed, but relieved as well that the girl (16) could parent her children still. I would've liked to hear how she's doing (she had much pressure from mom to place her kids for adoption. Including threatening to kick them all out.) I think of her sometimes, and hope all 3 of them are okay.

The second and most painful experience...I don't think trying to remain friends would work out. Feelings were hurt on both sides too badly. But I felt comfortable enough 6 wks after the baby was born to email the bmom's sister. (she placed eventually, just not with us)

I love Ryan's bparents as people. Having said that, I'm not sure I could have maintained a relationship with them should they have chosen to parent. Too painful to see that baby and wonder 'what could have been'. A bit like asking if you could be friends with your true love after they dumped you for your best friend. Maybe, with time. Lots of time. Maybe not. The heart can only take so much.

<Nods in agreement> And would the mom who had considered placing feel guilty when she talked with the pap's? Would she feel like the pap's were continuing the relationship "just in case it didn't work out" or because they're friends?

Just thinking out loud...

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by mamacrina

And would the mom who had considered placing feel guilty when she talked with the pap's? Would she feel like the pap's were continuing the relationship "just in case it didn't work out" or because they're friends?

Just thinking out loud...

This is I see. I don't think any pbmom would want to keep in contact because they would not want their child to know they considered adoption.

I would imagine the whole thought would be like a bad memory they just wish to forget about.

Still, just one card with one note that says they are okay, would have helped.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by AMom2Two

This is I see. I don't think any pbmom would want to keep in contact because they would not want their child to know they considered adoption.

I would imagine the whole thought would be like a bad memory they just wish to forget about.

*nods*

Kind of like you just don't tell your child, point blank with no other explanation, "Hey, I considered abortion but, oh, it was too late when I got to the clinic and that's why you're here." Stings a bit.

Had I parented Munchkin, I think the guilt of hurting J & D would have been too much for me to continue a friendship with them. In my opinion, I don't think I would have sent a card, either, beause I would have feared that it would come across something to the sort of, "I parented and you didn't get her; look how cute she is." Ya know? I have a lot of respect for adoptive parents that place themselves on the line and never would have wanted to hurt someone unintentionally.

[Jensboys]

I am in contact with a baby that I fostered (newborn) that was being placed for adoption (mom changed her mind and I had to remove baby from adoptive home and return him to mom - complicated, painful story).

He is now 7. We exchange yearly pictures, letters and brief updates. I cannot begin to tell you what it means to ME to get those pictures and updates. To know he is ok (I loved baby deeply!). Little guy knows that he was going to be adopted out and that we took care of him while his mom was making up her mind. The aparents in this situation (who also became very good friends of mine) also enjoy knowing that I have continued contact with them.

Jen

[SchmennaLeigh]

Jen,

I see YOU differently. And not just because I like you.

I see foster parents different than potential families in this specific scenario. Had Munchkin had to go to foster care for some reason, I would have been forever grateful to that family for taking care of her while I did whatever it is that I was doing. Actually, my Mom is in contact with the family who now has the child that she once fostered. Mom and Dad get letters, pictures and talk with the new family semi-regularly to compare notes and give them some encouragement.

So, in my mind, the two scenarios are different. That may just be me, but that's how I see it.

[AMom2Two]

Yes, they are two very different situations. I know several aparents that keep in contact with the previous foster parents.

I understand what you mean about the picture thing now. Maybe a pbm might feel like it is rubbing the loss in her face. Everyone's so different and react's so differently. I know when people don't know what to do, they usually do nothing.