[scarlet52698]

I hate confrontation as well, almost to a fault. Then I married a New Yorker and got over that problem real quick! LOL

I don't think putting pictures up(or not) has anything to do with being proud of our kids, I hope my post didn't come off sounding that way.

It's such an intimate thing and we all have to make the choices that feel right for us.

[Ragnarok]

I have no pictures up. My wife has a couple in "her" spaces. I do have a shrine to my dogs though. Heh.

[irish11970]

I only have one picture of my birth daughter out in the house. It is in our room. Most of my good friends know it is her. The only ones who don't know about her are my husband's family. His oldest sister knows, but not his parents. They are VERY old-fashioned too. When his mom saw the photo, she asked me who it was, and I told her it was my God-Daughter. I felt bad lying, but since R is wearing a christening gown in the picture, it was the easiest way around it.
THis is going to sound so pathetic but I used to keep her picture hanging in the hall but framed behind my brother. I knew she was there and that was enough at that time. I was still hiding my past from friends. When I finally started to open up, putting my baby girl in a beautiful frame of her own was a huge relief.
Hope that helped.
Jenn

[Kitti]

I don't have any pic of my bdaughter out in my home because I don't have any pics to display. I would gladly put pics of her along with my other pictures. Most people who know me know that I have another daughter, and it has become just a matter of fact point in conversations that pertain to kids. It is not an embarrassment or a proclamation, it just is. On the other hand, I have had 22 years to learn the best ways to answer the questions, avoid the uncomfortable, and survive the well-meaning folks that just seem to say the wrong thing. The first couple of years after the adoption I kept my feelings only between me and my very closest friends. I would have never let on to my parents how truly broken I was, and I would have probably not displayed pictures of my daughter for fear that I would break down in grief. I had to feel I had control over something in my life and at 15 the only thing in my power was the emotions other people could see.
Jenna, I understand your apprehension over your inlaws. I know you will make the right decisions on the proper time to talk to them about Munchkin. Perhaps they will surprise you in their attitude. Besides, when the decoration bug bites you may just find a spot the would be made complete and perfect with a picture of Munchkin. Good Luck!
Kitti

[Montraviatommyg]

I have 3 pics of my son on display at different ages, the rest are in a photo album. Any "company" that's round don't comment on them being on display as those who know about him being adopted are very accepting, those who don't simply don't comment unless I say something. Even though reunion has gone bad for me the pics will stay up.

Pip

[bromanchik]

Matt is now 21, so there are pictures of him everywhere.

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

Josh and I have discussed things. His grandfather (and his Father, for that matter... and his Stepmom) are VERY old-fashioned, VERY judgemental... and VERY bigoted.

Are you sure you are not married to my husband?

My husband, who thought my relationship with Matt was fantastic, told his parents the first day I met them when we moved to Germany. (Since I did not speak German I had no idea what it was he was saying until it was too late.) Yes, they judged me. They actually said "We understand but don't tell the neighbors." And said many things they said that Clemens would not translate for me.

But the bottom line is that to Clemens, Matt was part of my family, part of me. And I was Clemens family. As Josh is now yours. Clemens defended me, embraced Matt and his family, and expected no less from his parents and grandparents.

And they came around. Six years later they finally got to meet him and they loved him. They acted as if he was a long lost grandson. And they acted the same way with his sister. They now corrispond regularly. Who knew????

BTW, they don't call it the old country for nothing.....

[bromanchik]

One more thing. In the long run, secrets create more anxiety long term than getting the truth out and over with. Awaiting Beloved had a great point. In a couple yewars Nick will be talking about Munchkin and you certainly do not want his to have to carry a secret.

Secrets are toxic. They really truly are. And they destroy more than thr truth does. Sometimes the destruction is insidious, but it is there.

Btw, my editing is almost always to correct spelling errors. I am the worst speller on the planet.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I really don't have control over this one guys. They're not technically my family. And, as I am an implant in Ohio, I really don't want to turn away the only people that I have. (being josh's family) If it's his choice to tell them, so be it. Yes, Nick will talk about Munchkin. Josh knows this. He's the one having the issue.

Yeah, I have an issue. What is it? I cannot, absolutely cannot, handle confrontation. Which is why my Husband has been left in control of this one. He's a procrastinator. We discussed it again last night. He's "waiting for the right time."

there is no right time.

I cannot tell them. I cannot handle the confrontation at this point in time. The thought, seriously, has me in tears at this very moment. My anxiety level is all ready through the roof, which is what we're working on in therapy. His grandfather and stepmother readily use the N-word around me. I have told Josh that if they say it in my home, I will ask them to leave. But I won't. And he knows that. I can't do it.

If my own family lived nearby and I had someone to turn to if his family should "cast me out" this would be less of an issue. But I don't. I don't even have friends here, folks. It's just me, Josh, the kid and his family.

And that's where I am.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Wow. Just wow. I am so sorry, Jenna.

[scarlet52698]

Me too Jenna, that's a horrible place to be. I hope that in time you can find some support out there. Are there any birthmother support groups in your area? Maybe a mommy & baby program(my sister did this and made some great friends)?

I don't know what I'd do without my AA friends, they are a huge support system for me. My family isn't around here either, just my husbands family. I was lucky though because his mom is adopted so they understood me being a birthmom pretty well.

I just hate that you're out there by yourself

<<<<<<<BIG HUG>>>>>>>>

[SchmennaLeigh]

I have one birthmom friend who is about, now that we've moved, an hour and a half away. We get together about once a month, if time permits.

I hate that I'm alone, too. I'm hoping that the therapy for my adoption issues and ALL-ENCOMPASSING ANXIETY will help me be able to get out and make some friends. It's been a long two years, ya know? If Josh didn't have friends, I'd never see anyone but him. But thankfully, he's a happy-go-lucky guy that EVERYONE likes so his friends come over at times. I enjoy making them food.

But as for me? Even the one friend I have from work (that lives in the OPPOSITE direction) has never been to my home. Yeah. Been a long two years.

[FauxClaud]

Embrassed and shamed, but truthful..I will have to say no..I don't have a framed picture of my Max up.
Why..becasue for the longest time the other children didn't know. Now the oldest one does, but I have to do the youngest two still..and soon!

I do however have FOUR perfectly matched frames saved away..and I WILL be puting up FOUR lovely pictures together of my FOUR children..and real soon.

And whomever doesn't like that can just bite me!! Though it really shouldn't be a problem as I have told just about everyone in the world of my life at this time and then some.

[scarlet52698]

Eek anxiety is the worst! I went through some horrible anxiety a couple months ago after my DH had TWO heart attacks ( and he's only 36)

I spent a lot of time in the house and going to the grocery store was a HUGE deal. It's a sucky place to be that's for sure. Thanks to an awesome therapist though I think I'm coming out the other side of it.

Keep on keeping on Jenna, it will happen.

[scarlet52698]

LOL Claud ditto!

[AwaitingBeloved]

Jenna,
I think the way you're handling this, with having Josh handle his family, is actually the best way to go.

DH and I have very different families, very different backgrounds. And there was a lot of battling between them and I for a couple years early on. Until we went to PreCana (believe it or not! LOL!) and the Deacon that ran the class told us that his wife handles her family and he handles his family. And that it had worked wonders for them. They explained how the same words out of my mouth could be a lot more hurtful/confrontational than out of his mouth. And even if they are hurt by him, they will forgive him because he's family. Whereas me, they have no reason to forgive me.

Since then, we've lived by this. MIL still tries to corner me at times and brings up things that she really needs to talk about with DH when DH isn't around. And that stinks, but I just tell her I'll talk to DH about whatever it is and have him follow up with her. I can't tell you how much this has helped smooth the relationship between myself and the in laws. Just wanted to say I think it's great how you are handling this. It must be hard for you right now, but hopefully, when Josh feels the time is right, he'll find the grace to share this with his family in an effective way.

Keep on him. Sometimes our guys need a little encouragement, I think. :-)