[coco46]

OK, here's the thing. My bdaughter is 13 now, which I think is not quite old enough to be a babysitter YET, but I totally trust her and think no one will love and care for Bean like his big sister, if DH and I need a sitter in the upcoming future.

She just loves him, wants to hold him, feed him, etc., but is (obviously) still inexperienced with babies. So I'm thinking of asking her to come over as a "mother's helper" for a few hours on weekends/in the evenings so she can get some practice in baby care and I can get some projects done.

Fellow parents, what do you think is fair to pay her? Since she won't be alone and I'll still have to "coach" her on diapering, feeding, etc., is $5 an hour OK to start? I was thinking of suggesting that we take an infant CPR class together (which I will pay for, naturally)...is this too pushy? Also, how old is old enough for her to begin watching him? She's a mature young lady, but I don't want to "push" her into something she's not ready for. How old are your teen babysitters?

Next, her mom also loves Bean. Right now, we're sans babysitter altogether. While we're not party animals by any means, there are times when DH and I need to do adult things on the weekends. I know she'd say "yes" to watching Bean (with K, of course) in a minute if she wasn't busy. I feel awkward about offering cash; should I anyway? If so, what's acceptable? If cash is weird (as I suspect), what can I offer in return for an evening's care?

Just looking for some suggestions and advice. I know this isn't "the norm" for many folks, so please, anyone...jump in!

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi coco,
Your post makes me so happy for so many reasons...

The biggest is the contact you have with your bdaughter. It makes me so happy, I can't explain it, don't know why, but it's so awesome.

AND, the respect you have for your daughter's amom. In all honesty, if the pbmom we're matched with places with us, and years down the road has a new baby and needs a babysitter, I am pretty sure I'd be honored if she asked me. And, yeah, I would feel very weird if she offered me money. Your daughter is one thing (it's not a bad thing for a kid to be reimbursed for learning responsibility, especially if they truly are being a responsible baby sitter), but the amom, it's a very nice gesture, but I'm pretty sure it'd be awkward. I would actually feel badly if our pbmom offered me money for anything. I can't explain why, I guess I'd feel less special in her eyes. I can't put my finger on it.

The infant CPR class, FANTASTIC idea. AND, if your daughter decides to babysit more often, she'll have that to tell anyone who needs a sitter. A big bonus. And you both can have a beautiful bonding experience.

I think this is all awesome. If you feel compelled to do something for the amom, maybe offer making her dinner some night. Or maybe order some chinese food for her that night or something. Your daughter is approaching an age where she probably doesn't need any babysitting, but maybe offer to return the favor to hang out with your daughter on a night when the amom needs a night out.

As far as the age that she might be ready to start sitting, if you're home with her, 13 should be old enough. I won't tell you how young I was when I started going to neighbors houses to sit (times were different then, safer for kids). I was ready for it, but would have loved an infant CPR class. My biggest fear babysitting was if a child choked while I was watching them, how would I dislodge something?

I finally took a course in highschool and it helped ease my mind.

Anyway, that's all I've got. I just think it's fantastic how close you and your daughter's adoptive family are.

[Lulu Bug]

I think that having her as a 'mothers helper" is a great idea. My mom used to have us do it for our younger siblings and she paid us. In our house, we did work because we were part of the family and didn't get paid allowance, but being paid for this helped us understand that we were comitted to helping her (not wandering off to our room) and we learned about having money and the value of things vs. how much work we had to do for it! We also got GREAT practice and were babysitting pro's by the end. I say ask her aparents and see if they are ok with it. It could help her feel grown up and that you trusted her.

Also, I don't let my friends pay me for babysitting. We trade baby sitting or do other favors for each other. For example, if one of my friends is watching my kids and they have older kids that I wouldn't need to watch as a trade, I will bring over dinner. Having not to make that meal is huge. Or I get them a book I think they might like or movie tickets. You could offer to pay if you want (it could show that you value their time) but if they won't let you, you can bring them dinner when you drop Bean off, or get her a gift certificate to a place for dinner and movie and offer to have a movie night w/ your daughter, etc. That is what most friends and families do, and that is what you are friends AND family.

Great question. My son's bio brother is 10 and would be a great babysitter. I would love to have him help me out in an ideal world. Our situation isn't exactly ideal, so cherish and enjoy the great relationship you have with her/them.

[SchmennaLeigh]

LOL. Is $5 okay to start? She'll think you're the most generous person on the planet!!!! I'd discuss it with her Mom first to ask if that's too much/too little depending on what they've taught her regarding money and financial responsibility thus far.

As for asking the Mom to babysitt and what to pay: just ask. Say, "Listen, I don't know whether or not I should pay you in money or a likewise night off so you can get out in an adult style. What would you be more comfortable with?" My parents traded babysitting nights with a set of friends, no money.

*hugs*

[coco46]

Thanks you guys...

I really like the idea of movie tickets for K's mom, as well as bringing dinner over, or maybe even a restaurant gift card. Movies are a fun treat for everybody, right? So they give us a night out, and then we give them a fun time out on us! AwaitingBeloved, your comment about feeling less special somehow if money was part of the deal is exactly what I was trying to express. You said it much better; it helped me clarify my feelings of unease about the whole "payment" thing for K's mom. I think a gift certificate or two is a nicer way to say "thanks" in this case.

I think K is a little old for me to exchange babysitting, per se, with her mom, but having K come and hang out with me if her mom needs a night and her dad isn't available is something to consider, too!

Jenna, thanks for reminding me to discuss any payment for K with her mom first. I'd obviously planned to ask her if it was OK for K to be my "mother's helper", but totally spaced asking what her mom thought was appropriate for payment! That's important; I need to discuss all the aspects of this with her.

The only thing I'm really concerned with is making sure they know that I don't expect them to watch him, because of our relationship, you know? If they feel comfortable and I'm not imposing on their plans, then I feel OK asking either or both of them. BUT I never want K or her mom to feel like I'm taking advantage or pressuring them because she's the big sister. Does that make sense? I just want to be really respectful.

That's part of why I want to pay K and at least offer something nice for her mom if and when they watch Bean. I want them to know I appreciate them, that I know their time is valuable, too. Lulu, your post about how your 10 yr old bson would be a great babysitter, but that your situation right now wasn't in a place where that could really happen struck a chord. I do cherish the warm, "easy" relationship that I have with K and her family. I always want to do my part to respect it! I hope things get better for you.

[lisa in venice]

Did you know that the Red Cross offeres a babysitting course for kids 9-14 which includes infant and child CPR, first aid and basic infant care instructions. Both my older kids have taken it. I think it only costs something like $25.

Kudos for your relationship.

lisa

[Montraviatommyg]

Coco, no advice ... just think it's great you wanting to do this.



Pip

[Lulu Bug]

I want to address your concern about them feeling like they "have to" because of your relationship. Remember that is what ALL families feel like! :-) Many times I am asked by close friends or family to babysit or help out in other ways, and I don't always want to do it, but ususally I do. Why? Because I love them and know that they will help me when I need it. I am also the type of person that will say no if I need to. They may not be (my MIL is one of those, I don't dare ask her for babysitting help b/c I know she will say yes, even if she doesn't want to).

Just wanted to throw that out there. Since you guys are family, that may indeed be the case, but I imagine that you have been able to be honest about much harder things. Saying "be sure and tell me no if you can't, I won't mind" will be a piece of cake!!

P.S. Thanks for your nice words. I don't think that things will change any time soon and it makes my heart hurt. Situations like yours give me hope. There ARE aparents out there that want what you have and it is also very hard for us when the birthfamily disappears and changes their level of involvement. I know it isn't the same as birth mothers being ditched by their afamilies and loosing them, but I have had a small taste of it and it stinks.

[kitkat582497]

Originally Posted by lisa in venice

Did you know that the Red Cross offeres a babysitting course for kids 9-14 which includes infant and child CPR, first aid and basic infant care instructions. Both my older kids have taken it. I think it only costs something like $25.

Kudos for your relationship.

lisa

Just so you know that it does have CPR for infant and child they just kinda show them they are not given a card for it... they just get a Babysiting cert. I use to instoct both for the red cross... I would go with the class and then the CPR class... they are both great programs... and will not only help her with baby sitting but with any emegency...

And starting out at 5 bucks in hour I want to come work for you I get 10 as a nanny and thats for 3 kids... I would go to like 2.50 if yor home and 5 if your not thats still alot I don't get payed 5 to just babysit.

[MommaKatja]

I think you should look at babysitting fees in your area because they do vary a LOT. Where I live I know parents who can't get a babysitter for less than $10 an hour for one child (of course thats when parents arn't home). So talk to other parents see what their babysitters charge and go from there.