[SchmennaLeigh]

So, I saw my new therapist today. And I don't hate her. *jaw drop*

Anyway, I have homework. While I plan on doing the homework myself, I'm curious as to what some of you would do with the one thing I've been assigned. SO, here we go:

Write a letter to your birthchild with the premise of IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW and be sure to include the positives that are currently in her life. (That was added by my therapist so that I a) don't get overwhelmed with emotions (and negativity) and b) can recognize that even though things aren't the way my heart wants them, things still "work.")

I'm sure I'll write 4398650957 drafts between now and my appointment which isn't until next month due to scheduling. (Though they do have me on the call out list incase someone cancels and they can get me in... so my homework really needs to be done in two weeks time.)

I've got some ideas forming in my head but the biggest problem I see with the homework is this: I find writing to Munchkin to be one of the hardest things. Ever. I can write about her. I wrote a lot to her prior to her birth. But since? I send cards. But no letters. Because I get SO overwhelmed with emotion and everything gets jarbled, makes no sense... and I throw it away. (Yeah. So I'm a perfectionist. Shoot me!)

ANYWAy, my appointment went well. She recognized that, other than my anxiety (which has skyrocketed since Nick's birth) that I am dealing with grief and loss. *jaw drop* I almost did a cartwheel when I left her office. Well, I didn't because I forgot to wear deoderant this morning before I went and I sweat when I'm nervous. Yeah. I've since changed shirts.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

Well, I didn't because I forgot to wear deoderant this morning before I went and I sweat when I'm nervous. Yeah. I've since changed shirts.

This...this is why I love you Jenna! LOL!

Well, you know I'm not a birthmom. I do have some experience in dealing with very painful emotions though. And I think this idea of writing a letter to munchkin is a fantastic idea. And I think sometimes the things that hurt the most, and therefore we tend to avoid, are the things that need to be dealt with the most. And this is a great step.

I've written letters to people who have hurt me. It's not the same, I know, but it's dealing with painful emotions. And it's been very helpful. They also help with nightmares. I had some PTSD when we started our IVF because it was at the same hospital DH was treated for his cancer at, and I apparantly had never dealt with my fear of losing him to death. Until I had these horrifically violent nightmares of having to fight to save ourselves. I learned it was PTSD, so writing the letters helped with the nightmares, too.

Good job going to a therapist. I am very proud of you. :-) I know things are bound to get harder from time to time, just hold on to hope, and know that sometimes things have to hurt before they can feel good again.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I love writing (can you tell?) so I know that I can physically do this... but emotionally, it's just very BIG. I'm just going to mull it over in my brain for a couple of days.

Yeah, I've been nauseous for two days leading up to the appointment this morning. My anxiety level was through the roof. Which, not surprising, I have to see a doctor next week about possibly starting me on some anti-anxiety meds. Apparently the adoption has not made me depressed (which I never thought I was, just overwhelmed) but instead has made me (or helped make me since I was always kind of anxious) rather anxiety laden. That's another part of my homework; to research anxiety/panic disorders. But I can do that. Research is fun for me.

Yes, Yes. I am a nerd.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

I've got some ideas forming in my head but the biggest problem I see with the homework is this: I find writing to Munchkin to be one of the hardest things. Ever. I can write about her. I wrote a lot to her prior to her birth. But since? I send cards. But no letters. Because I get SO overwhelmed with emotion and everything gets jarbled, makes no sense... and I throw it away. (Yeah. So I'm a perfectionist. Shoot me!)

I love writing, too... and researching things as well.

What you wrote above, about how everything gets all jarbled, this is exactly why it's so important to write this letter. It will help you work out so many of these emotions, and to see them, and if you see them, than you can deal with them. Right now, with them just being stuck in your head and in your heart, they're causing you to feel pulled in a million different directions, probably a million different emotions, leading to your chronic anxiety. (I have some familiarity with this. hehe. can ya tell?) lol. Anyway, I won't keep you here, but I think it's wonderful and though it's scary and it will likely hurt a lot to write this letter, and future ones too (at least for awhile), this will be a very therapeutic experience and will help your therapist help you.

She sounds like a good therapist, for what it's worth. ;-)

[lahdh4]

I am soo happy for you Jenna!!!!!!! Finding a therapist that you can talk to is important and when they "get" you and understand that it works great!!!

I have homework from my therapist/counselor all the time!!
I am a perfectionist as well, but when it comes to J, I just write. I have a journal that is just for her and I find that it helps with keeping my thoughts straight when I do my homework. Which has included writing a letter to J and to L&B.
The first letter was the hardest but it has gotten easier with each one.

[FauxClaud]

Aww..Jenna!! I was JUST wondering yesterday about theat appointment. I almost asked!! Funny how I can rememebr other peoples appointments, but my own..nah! lol

I am so glad that she is not a nincompoop....empheisis on poop!

If it's homework..why does it have to be prefect? Isn't just a rough draft OK for now? I am thinking f you beign to just write..freely..just let it all flow out, then after you see it, you can begin to make some order out of it.
What if you pretend that she is is not the person you are writing to, but just about..and then go for it..then later you can just change the pronouns??

I just don't think that you need to make yourself crazy over something that is suppose to be helpful, I don't think there is a wrong way of doing this kind of thing...just purge it, let it happen..and then see what you have.
It's not like you are getting graded. It's for you really...yes, for her, but not right now anyway..she can;t read..lol..so you have way more time to stress over the perfectionist part of it.

[Ragnarok]

I said none, but that is a lie. I wrote one, but never sent it. It was about a year ago and I thought I was going to die and should leave something for him.

Good to hear that this therapist is worth your time.

[Tigger27]

I'm glad to hear you found a good therapist, Jenna .

When I was going to both my therapists, they double teamed me with homework and writing assignments all the time. It really helped me and I love writing too .

I have written a lot of letters to each of my girls. I wrote each of my girls a letter right after they were born telling them about my feelings for them, why I placed them, and about the time I shared with them as their mom in the hospital and placement etc. For the first year after each of my girls were born, I did my best to write an individual letter to them separate from the letters I wrote to their aparents every time I wrote their aparents.

With my almost 3 yr old, I have started just writing individual special birthday letters to her every birthday and then I write notes on cards etc throughout the year, but only write an individual letter to her on her bday every year now. I still write individual letters to my 1 yr old every other time I write to her aparents - I'm spacing out her individual letters now though.

Even though I've written quite a few individual letters to each of my girls, it's still hard for me to write those letters to them every time I write to them.

[banjo]

Hi Jenna, I think I will give it a go as well.
If I knew then what I know now I'd never let you go.
I'd hold you tight and love you as the precious wonderful baby that you were. I would cocoon us from the thoughts and pressures of the outside world and surround myself with positive supportive people.
I would ignore the fact that your birthfather wanted nothing to do with us. So what, his loss. I would not waste my energy trying to change that. Of course I would make sure I got financial support from him. But if it was going to cause us too much grief I'd let that go.
I would have stopped worrying about money and the future and lived for the day. I would have enjoyed everyday with you as you grew up.
I would be a great mum. It would have been a privilege to watch you grow.
I would open my eyes and my heart and realised the wonderful male friend who was there beside me throughout my pregnancy really wanted to be more than a friend.
He would have made a great dad and partner. We could have had a good life together. I wish I could have seen that.
I wish I could turn back time...

[firstparentblog]

I have a journal for Punkin, but I have also written a letter to him. Heck I have even written a book for him.

The first letter I wrote to him I wrote with tears streaming down my face, you can see where they splashed onto the page. His parents read that letter and I think they saw my heart for the very first time. We don't communicate face to face like some people do.... We aren't very emotional people with each other, in fact the one time I cried I thought that D was gonna run out the door, lol.

I never write drafts, I just write from my heart when it comes to him and if the spelling is good, then it gets sent.

[Montraviatommyg]

Although I like writing I completely stopped writing anything personal when I was pregnant ... good thing I didn't write often at work at that time . It took reunion for me to start writing again which really has helped particularly through the bad times like it is atm. I have sent cards to him since reunion and one note but no letters.

Pip

[SchmennaLeigh]

Mmm, thank you all.

I will attempt not to stress over the perfectionist part of my soul. I say attempt because I'm realistic. I haven't had much time to mull since I got the assignment because work was CRAZY and I have a cold (WITH NO VOICE!). Not that I need a voice to write but I've just beentaking medicine and sleeping. Thank God for Josh to take care of the baby.

I have so much to say. It's all ready jarbled in my head.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

I have so much to say. It's all ready jarbled in my head.

Then just grab a piece of paper and write down just points of something that you want to go back to and write more about. It helps to make it less "jarbled"

[coco46]

Jenna..wow. So much going on at once! But it sounds like good stuff, so I'm happy for you.

In my situation, K, her family, and I haven't really written to each other in a long time. I have every letter her mom ever sent me when she was little, as well as a copy of the letter I wrote her at her placement. I'm keeping them, as well as printouts of pertinent posts and jounral entries here, to discuss/give to her later. Munchkin is still little...forgive me for assuming much, but it still can seem insurmountable to articulate things like this when your bchild is still very young. At least it was for me. Overwhelming. As time went on, it just dawned on me that I didn't have to tell all in one fell swoop. I had, and have (I hope and expect), a lifetime to let her grow into knowing me, to feel comfortable asking questions, to see me as me, and not need answers so much, right then and there. Your relationship with Munch's family sounds similiarly open and warm. I'm truly, absolutely not being patronizing, nor trying to minimize your feelings about your own sense of loss, when I say the years do often help alleviate some of the panic and urgency about communicating. In time, the comfort level grew with me. I hope for the same for you.

As far as the homework, in my opinion, it's often best to just start writing. Write as though no one but you will ever see this stuff and no one (especially you) will be "grading your paper" . Get it all down. Later you can edit and re-arrange things if you want, but always keep that first draft, too. It's helped me a lot in my own self-discovery to re-read the things I wrote and received in all of their forms.

My best thoughts and wishes go to you, as always. I'm glad you found someone who finally seems to be listening and responding to you with respect!

[JoEvans]

I write to my daughter all the time. Thank goodness for email. lol

As for my son. I have tried to sit down and write one to him. I wanted to so much to let him know why I gave him up. I wanted to mail it to his a-mommy and ask her to give it to him when he got old enough. I just wasn't sure if it would get to him or not. There are so many things I wished I would of done. I used to know where he lived. But through the years, I lost contact of where he lives. Looking through the white pages on the internet, as far as I can tell, they live in California. That is if, those pages are current. Or they could live in Texas. I love that song, "Austin". (if this is Austin, I still love you) It's a country song. I long to see him again, sometimes, I could kick myself for not keeping tabs to where they moved to. For I knew who adopted him. And they even let me talk to him on his 4th birthday. He told me all about his bike that he had gotten. It was music to my ears hearing his sweet little voice. I am sure he didn't know who I was. At least, I don't think he did, they told me, they have told him that he is adopted.