[SchmennaLeigh]

While I was in the hospital with Nicholas (all three times, guh) I had to field some questions regarding Munchkin, the placement and open adoption. I don't remember how I handled some of these due to pain of labor (preterm and final) but I do remember letting one (awesome) nurse know it was okay to ask me questions about her because it was an open adoption. When I said that she turned and said, "What does that mean?"

I then had a huge contraction and the conversation was dropped. HA!

So, if you weren't in an extreme amount of pain, how do you field questions on what open adoption IS and, more specifically, how do you discuss YOUR open adoption? What do you do with the negative responses? Is there anything more proactive you could be doing than getting upset when someone says something as ignorant as, "Well, that's just dumb." (I've had that response. Seriously.)

I won't be back online until early to mid week so I look forward to this discussion. Feel free to include both the negative and positive stories, replies and responses but I also encourage you to look for the most proactive way to have this conversation with people (both touched and untouched by adoption).

[BrandyHagz]

I think the comment that bothers me the most about open adoption when discussing it with others who are clueless is "why would they let you see her, you gave her away".

Grr

You may have read my thread about fueling the flames of stereotypes in adoption on the Adoption Issues forum - in there, I talked about stopping and considering where the question is coming from. I really try to take a second and think, “Is this person asking me this or saying this because they truly do not know the answer and are interested in knowing it or are they just being a knucklehead!?” Usually, I run with the “they just don’t know…” frame of mind – and even if they are being a knucklehead, staying calm, cool and collected in explaining adoption will usually make them do one of two things 1) Become intrigued and interested in the answer I am giving them because I didn’t blow up at them with their nasty comments or 2) continue to be nasty and walk away a little more educated but still a knucklehead.

Either way, I look at it as an opportunity to educate someone on Openness and adoption…and even if they walked away with a negative feeling or opinion, I feel I’ve done my best to discuss how adoption and openness makes me feel. Just like with any topic, opinions will vary greatly…I don’t expect everyone I run into to embrace adoption or openness – but I know in explaining what adoption means to me, I’ve at least given them something else to think about.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Brandy,

It was your post that got me thinking on this subject. You're good at that.

I've had a few truly genuine questions that I didn't mind answering. Of course, it might go back to the personality and couth of the person asking the questions: their ability to ask the hard questions without sounding judgemental or rude. I've been working with myself to remember that not everyone went through a class on how to properly interview and that sometimes questions come across quite "loaded." I can still answer them in a calm, polite manner, even if they say something as callous as, "So, why'd you abandon your kid?" (I've had that one. Ouch!)

I could waste my energy telling them that they're a moron... but that solves nothing. This isn't to say that no one gets under my skin. Some people do. Usually I get more peeved when people who are touched by adoption make sweeping generalizations but I'm trying to let things roll. It's not always easy.

What has been the hardest question you've been faced with thus far?

[llexuus]

Most of the questions have been very positive and honestly interested, but we did get two horrible ones early on.
My son was born 7 1/2 weeks early, and I spent most of 2 1/2 weeks in the NICU with him. A coworker asked me on the second day - yes, that's the DAY AFTER HE WAS BORN - why I bothered seeing him in the hospital, as he wouldn't remember anything anyway. She also asked why I had requested an open adoption, since that meant I would be babysitting for 18 years and then he would want nothing to do with me. That same person later implied that opting for an open adoption would probably create a child who was a serial killer, like the boy she saw on Dr. Phil.

The only other terrible question I got was from a client. She found out that I had adopted, and as she is interested in adopting she came to me to ask some questions. I started to explain about the joys of open adoption, and that we had actually pushed for it (instead of the more closed adoption that was suggested by my son's first parents.) She stopped me mid-word and said "No, I don't want one of those fake adoptions. I am only interested in a real adoption where the child understands that I am his mother!"

But that's it. All other questions and comments have been great.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I dont really have a lot of questions-- I am usually the initiator.. I have her pics on my desk and show them off whenever they come.

I dont really think I come across as the type who deals with rude comments, so that may prevent them.

It does 'hurt' to hear -- that is great that they send you pictures. But they are not trying to be rude.

Im pretty open about it all.. it is too big a part of my being to not be.

[BoxerLady6]

I am a pretty private person so I have had few and far bewteen questions.
The stupidest question anyone ever asked me was a girl I knew from high school who said "You mean people still give their babies up for adoption???" She went to a high school for pregnant girls and teens with babies. You just kept your baby there....no questions asked.
I just don't talk about my private life much to people I know unless you've been my friend forever so theres only about maybe a handful of people that know about my adoption, luckyily they are educated engough not to ask stupid questions.

[firstparentblog]

I guess it depends on the moment when someone catches me. I hate the comment "wow isn't it nice that they let you see him." To which I usually reply, "Wow, isn't it nice that I let them adopt him." Last time I was confronted with any questions it was from a friend who was adopted by her step dad and has some pretty bad feelings towards her birth father. The conversation just did not go well. She couldn't understand, even as my friend, why my son would want me in his life ever. I tried to explain that as an adopted person that has searched and was rejected by my first mom, I would NEVER put my son through that and in order to do that I need to be his life from day one.

I usually try to reiterate over and over that open adoption isn't for me and Danny it is for my Punkin, for his good, not ours. I tell people there are days that it would be easier, not healthier, but easier for us both to walk away and wait for him to search, because just when my scab is finally healing shut it gets opened again somehow. Instead we choose to slog through this thing called open adoption and hope that it works out well for both us and Punkin and his parents.