[PhoenixFish]

Hello, I am brand new here on this board and considering open adoption although I am already parenting my almost 3 year old son...
I am compiling questions to ask the two families I am currently considering, and would really appreciate your additions/comments.
I have learned so much just looking through all of the posts and have had a few good cries!

Thanks in advance, Rachel~

Here is what I have so far - bmoms, what would you add? amoms, would you be offended by any of these questions?

1) In your opinion, what do you picture as the ideal situation in an open adoption in regards to a relationship with me and my family? Plot it out as you would if we were going ahead with this - now that you know a bit more about my situation. give me your "proposal" if you will, of course putting the baby before anyone else.

2) Do you wish to be present at the birth? Would it upset you if you weren't?

3) Would you be open to the birthmom breastfeeding for any period of time? If so, how long? Would you wish to feed the child breastmilk either through relactating or a breast milk bank?

4) What did you enjoy about being a child?

5) How much like your own parents do you want to be? In what ways do you want to be different?

6) What are your fears or concerns about open adoption/and or parenting?

7) How do you cope with stress?

8) What are your priorities for your children? For example, what are your thoughts on pre school, daycare, music/sports lessons?Will they go to public or private schools or homeschooled? How will you handle the issue of college? Overall, what values do you most want to instill in them?

9) What are your thoughts about discipline?

10) Is free time important to you? What do you do when you have free time? What will you do when you don't have any?

11) How comfortable will you feel sharing pictures and letters with me after the adoption?

12) Why do you want a child?

13) What are your thoughts on "entrustment ceremonies" at the time of relinquishment - necessary or off-putting?

[BoxerLady6]

Well, they say hind-sight is 20/20 but I wish I had asked them if they were going to adopt other children.
At the time I had planned to have more kids but circumstances and the love of my life show otherwise.....
I am slightly sad that my daughter will never experience siblings in anyway whether it be my bio kids or the aparents adopted kids. I guess knowing what I know now I would have asked that.
When I picked the aparents I didn't really have a list of questions we just talked and got to know each other. Sometimes I do wish I had asked more questions, although I love the aparents dearly and know they love my daughter there are some things asking questions would have cleared up for me. Not that I wouldn't have picked them, just would have been nice to know.

[PhoenixFish]

Originally Posted by BoxerLady6

although I love the aparents dearly and know they love my daughter there are some things asking questions would have cleared up for me. Not that I wouldn't have picked them, just would have been nice to know.

----like what for example??? I am going crazy here with questions - esp since reading the Cindy Jordan memorial site, and Heather Lowe's and Terri Enbourge's writings. I don't want to end up with suffering on anyone's part due to ignorance. Thanks for your input and insights!

[echaos]

Great questions! And nope, not offended by any of them.

It's great to see that you are trying to cover as many topics as possible before matching!

Are you going through an agency, or doing this privately through an attorney?

Good luck!!!

[PhoenixFish]

I am using the XXXX agency. Thanks for your feedback...

[BoxerLady6]

They have my daughter in a lot of modeling which I don't agree with and buy her waaayyyy too much material stuff for my taste but I don't really know if there was any way I could have known that or asked it.

[lahdh4]

It may sound alittle foolish but I wanted to know how old they were. Didn't know that ahead of time. Just the number of years that they were married.

We were alittle rushed -- I was induced 4 weeks early so had just gotten an agency. Looked through profiles 2 days after J was born. We really weren't able to think of any right away when we met them because they both were just talking and we had a great time. I ended up asking more questions after the fact.
I think that your ?'s are great ones.

[LisaCA]

not offended by any of them. I think they're great. we had to answer most of them in our written profile (questions on form given to us).

If you're in a state where legally binding open adoption agreements are possible, ask them what they think about them and whether they'd be willing to negotiate one. If they're finalizing in their state not yours, see if their state has allows them.

if not, ask them if they view their contract with you to be morally binding and what that means to them.

see if you can find out why they want an open adoption-is it because they have to, or whether they really believe in an open adoption? have they talked to or met folks in open adoptions? what effect do you think open adoption has on the child?

I'll try and think about this a bit more- I may come up with some others.

good luck,

Lisa

[Jensboys]

esp since reading the Cindy Jordan memorial site, and Heather Lowe's and Terri Enbourge's writings.

Cindy Jordan was a dear, and missed, friend of mine. To avoid what she went through, I would suggest having things spelled out in WRITING before the adoption - and if you change your mind about what you want AFTER the baby is born, add that to the written agreement. If a legally binding agreement isnt possible - push the issue. Have them have their pastor/priest sign it, or some other person of authority in their lives. Ensure that they see YOU as a future part of their family as well.

Talk about specifics - maybe tape record the conversations so you have a record of what they want. SET UP before placement a resolution scenario should their be disagreements - counsellor, negotiator, spiritual leader, agency whatever you are all in agreement with. Set up a schedule of just the adults meeting to discuss any concerns (once a year, every 6 months etc).

Cindy's biggest issue is that she felt really duped into thinking that the adoption they offerred her was her only choice -- RESEARCH. KNOW what you want, recognize that what you want now might change after the baby is born. Feel free to walk away from a match that doesnt feel right - EVEN AFTER the baby is born. Even if you dont choose to parent, no placement is final until you sign the papers. If something is not feeling right, follow your gut!

You also might want to ask questions along these lines ...

(if they have previously adopted) Would you be willing to have me talk to your other child's bparent? If not, find out way. Confirm why if needed.

Picture your child as 5 year old, and as a 15 year old. Picture scenarios - worst case and best case. How will you handle a teen wanting to come live with you? How will they?

What is their view on future sibling relationships? For example, when you get married will they come to the wedding? Allow the child to participate? (this one came back to bite a friend in the butt) Will they allow sibling visits? Refer to your future children this child's brothers/sisters?

What will you be called?

ASK FOR THE MOST YOU CAN IMAGINE WANTING. Far better to have them agree to MORE than what you want, than less and be left aching for more.

And no, as an amom, none of your questions offended me. This decision is for LIFE - make sure you are FULLY informed of it!

God Bless and may you meet the right family, and make the best decision for you and your baby that you can!

Jen

[mamacrina]

Not offended at all. Like Lisa, we answered most of these questions are asked over and over (in different ways) on the profiles we filled out.

If religion is important part of your life, or theirs, perhaps you should ask about that...how involved, which one they're involved in, etc.,

What's the community like?

I wish you well,Phoenix

[Binyasa]

Hello

I'm an Amom, and no -- I would not be offended by any of your questions. In fact, I think the adoptive parents you'd prefer to match with would actually be excited to answer these kinds of questions. I know I appreciated answering the questions my son's birthmom posed of me -- it was very important to me that we were sincerely a good fit for her wishes in an adoptive family for her/our son.

Other posters have given great advice about good questions to ask, so I won't duplicate their input. I'd look for a family that is truly *excited* for (rather than open to) the highest level of openness possible and even better -- who is committed to wroking through the kinks that are inevitable in any relationship. As you are intimately aware, aparents have the ability to close an open adoption when things get hard, so assessing a PAP's willingness to really embrace a long-term familial relationship with you/your family is wise. It sounds as though you're right on top of this though, and I have no doubt that you'll find wonderful aparents to partner with. We should all be so lucky!

Good luck in your search....

Erin

[Boulderbabe]

I have absolutely no experience with this, so please, feel free to disregard what I say!

But the idea of making a written agreement between the three of you, signed and notarized, seems like a great idea to me. It may not be legally binding, but having it all spelled out will make it more morally binding, I think.

The other thing I was thinking about is that in emotionally charged situations, it's sometimes really hard to listen to a ton of stuff and remember it all. Have you thought about having the paparents answer your questions in writing, via email?

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by PhoenixFish

I am compiling questions to ask the two families I am currently considering, and would really appreciate your additions/comments.[/size]

Rachel,
First of all my heart goes out to you. This is not an easy decision. I have definately been there.

Actually, in addition to the one's I would add, I would also get rid of a few. Not because I think adopting parents might be offended, but because of the fact that you are a mother until you sign those papers, therefor any decisions need to be made by you. Sometimes women considering adoption feel they do not have the right to these things, but I am here to tell you that you do. BTW, I am a birthmom in a fully open adoption. My son is 21. (We were one of the first)

Disclaimer: I have worked in open adoption for the past 19 years, educating on birthparent issues and open adoption. I don't mean to come off harsh or like I know it all, but I have seen a lot these past 21 years as well have done my research. There are a lot of agencies, lawyers and facilitators that present certain things as impossible or bad for the baby. Or they frame it in the adopting parents experience. But I want you to know this is your decision and that pregnancy is parenting. Placing your child is most likely the last parental decision you will ever make, so how you feel about things is what is most important.

Originally Posted by PhoenixFish

2) Do you wish to be present at the birth? Would it upset you if you weren't?[/size]

I am a firm believer that adopting parents only rarely have a place in the delivery room. I believe this for two reasons. One, giving birth is an intense, private experience. One that you share with someone you are close to. It is a sacred time between you, the mother, your baby and the person who is there to support both of you through this passage. The people with you should be there for you, not to see "the birth of their baby." (Direct quotes from a number of adopting parents I have known through the years.) There are very few adopting parents that can distance themselves enough to truly be there for you. (Although I have seen it happen.)

Which brings me to two. The decision to place a child is revisited, re-made, etc. after the baby is born. Having time alone with your baby, without the adopting parents being present is vital. Claiming your child is crucial. You cannot relinquish what you have not claimed.

I have met many birthparents over the years. Not one regretted time spent alone mothering their child. There are many I know that regret not taking more time.

Originally Posted by PhoenixFish

3) Would you be open to the birthmom breastfeeding for any period of time? If so, how long? Would you wish to feed the child breastmilk either through relactating or a breast milk bank?[/size]

The last question is a good one. The first two are up to you as long as the baby is with you. Remember, you are the parent until papers are signed. If you feel breast feeding is best (which I am a striong believer in) giving that gift to your baby is up to you.

Originally Posted by PhoenixFish

11) How comfortable will you feel sharing pictures and letters with me after the adoption?[/size]

Have you considered a fully open adoption? I have had visits with my son since he was a baby. While there have been highs and lows, I would not trade being a part of his life for anything. He has grown up getting answers about his adoption from me. He has grown up knowing his siblings (I am parenting two other children) and my extended family. He has not had to question who he looks like, or where he gets certain traits or talents. Being an active birthparent is not parenting, but it is a special role that no one can replace.

Originally Posted by PhoenixFish

13) What are your thoughts on "entrustment ceremonies" at the time of relinquishment - necessary or off-putting?[/size]

Personally I think they are necessary. It is a ritual that gives substance to our loss, that gives a clear transfer of our role and the adopting parents role.

I have a lot of information on open adoption and entrustment ceremonies. PM if you want to talk. You are making decisions for a lifetime. Getting all the information you can will only be helpful to you. Some of the material is on my website, but there are also things I have not put up yet.

[PhoenixFish]

What is your website address, Brenda? I really appreciate your answers! It is true - as soon as I decided open adoption *might* be rgiht for me, it seems like the agency and one of the potential aparents are really pushing for owning this baby in utero...while I really could use the financial help to survive during this pregnancy, does that mean I am relinquishing NOW? because if so, I guess I will have to go without the financial help, which doesn't seem very fair considering if the amom was goingto have a baby of her own, she would be paying for the doctor's visits, etc. I can't help but feel that if I did it all on my own with no help til I had the baby then maybe I should just keep going on my own. Why give up such a precious amount to someone else? I feel as if right now I am focusing on their happiness and the baby's (of course the baby is #1) but not mine or my son's. the one couple mentioned that I could come to their state (3000 miles away) to have the baby. That really scared me off. I want my own doctor, my own turf. I want my son to be there, the father of this baby to be there. Then they said well we will come to your town, live in a hotel for a few days prior to the birth (I am having planned c-section), then take the baby after 2 days back to our hotel with us, then 10 days later when we can fly we will take him/her home. I kinda balked at that - 10 days seems too soon for an infant to fly. I didn't fly with my son until he was 6 weeks! The pediatrician said not to. So, I guess I should follow my gut and tell those people to take a leap, or adopt a baby from China or something. Open adoption doesn't seem right for them....seeing as they want to call the shots the whole way. And what if I want to try parenting for a month or two months...on one hadn that may be too hard for me to give him/her up then, but on the other at least I wouldn't feel like someone had barged into my life and taken my baby as soon as it drew breath. I can understand wanting to have a baby to bond with from birth on, but is there any such thing as waiting? even a week?

Someone mentioned a good question - (Lisa!) that I should ask why they want open adoption. What if it was because they HAD to. That doesn't seem ideal.

Jen, you had some great ones too, that I never would have considered....about future siblings and such. I knew this board would be so helpful in this, I thank God I found you all, bmoms and amoms alike. thanks for listening to my unexpected rant.

[Jensboys]

And what if I want to try parenting for a month or two months...on one hadn that may be too hard for me to give him/her up then, but on the other at least I wouldn't feel like someone had barged into my life and taken my baby as soon as it drew breath. I can understand wanting to have a baby to bond with from birth on, but is there any such thing as waiting? even a week?

You can wait AS LONG AS YOU LIKE. Although some states say that a mother can sign her rights away 24 hours after birth BY NO MEANS ARE YOU OBLIGATED to do so. You can parent a week, a month, several months if you desire. Some advocate that a transition to an adoptive home is BETTER for the baby when she has had a couple of weeks or a month to get used to life on the "outside". You have to do what is right for YOU and for YOUR baby. Obviously there are other things to consider - like your son you are parenting, how will he be affected by a sibling coming home for a month and then leaving etc HOWEVER if you decide to do it that way MOST CERTAINLY dont let an agency talk you out of it!

Jen