[NicNic]

This is really a crazy question and it's not ment to offend anyone...

Before chosing the adoptive family for your child did anyone "check them out" before the actual meeting?

My friend and I were talking the other day and we both said that we'd be doing a 'drive by' to see what the people were really like. Not crazy psycho stuff, but just try to meet them before they knew of my intentions. We started coming up with scenerios to bump into padoptive parents. It was hysterical! (I think we may have had a few too many drinks) One of the best was when my friend said that she would watch for them to go to the grocery store and accidently bump her cart into them and watch their reaction, that way you could really see what their character was like. (I thought this was rather funny!) LOL

I'm just curious if anyone actually did something like this? I know I would!

[SchmennaLeigh]

No.

My child's parents live seven hours away. Wasn't really possible.

[taramayrn]

I didn't know their address so that wasn't a possibility plus even if I did I don't think I would have done that.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by FH-taramayrn

plus even if I did I don't think I would have done that.

Should have added that as well. LOL. I don't know, maybe that's further proof that I'm far too trusting but, really, had we lived anywhere near each other I don't think I would have felt a need to stake out their home, their doings or anything. I was never really given reason to doubt they were who they said they were.

[MajaHedman]

I had their address but it never even crossed my mind to do something like that. I assumed that they were who the agency and themselve said they were.

[Leigh131313]

First of all...I might be tempted (I'm not a birthparent) if i had the info. I used to bike around the houses of boys i had crushes on....and thats a pretty minor thing!

I thought it was funny the little things that would tip you off (you CAN tell alot by how rude people are in the grocery store!!)


Leigh

I editted out a question, because i realize now that you were talking hypothetically...i thought you said you were drinking when you were expecting, sorry!!

[Tigger27]

I didn't know the address of either of my girls aparents back before I placed with them so it wasn't an option and like Tara said, I don't think I would have done it, even if I had known their addresses.

I also trusted that they were who they said they were and who the agency said they were.

I came upon the address of my first daughter's aparents and their identifying info on accident about a year ago so now I know where they live and everything, but I've never gone by where they are or done drive bys to try to see my daughter because I don't want to cross those boundaries that are in place now and I don't want to scare them. I've been tempted to want to go by and thought about, but I've never done it and never will because I don't want to suddenly appear in my daughter's life like that when she's only almost 3. I want my daughter to decide herself when she wants to see me - anyway, that's another topic so sorry I went on a tangent there.

Back to topic though, like I said I didn't know their addresses and wouldn't have done anything if I had known their addresses back then before I placed.

[BrandyHagz]

I didn't have to do any checking - they were an open book (Still are) and we had our very first meeting in their living room at their house...I was there for 6+ hours

I did confirm (with their permission) some of the info they told me - only for my own peace of mind.

[NicNic]

Thanks! I thought this was too funny. We were just thinking about how people would always put their best foot forward especially when it came to adoption. So, were were making up hypethetical senerios to get the ugly to come out too! It was all in good fun. LOL

[happygmom]

I don't think this is a weird question at all! Absolutely, PAPs should be checked out! It's your baby's future.

When my daughter was considering adoption, she had picked out a few couples through an agency and 3 through personal contacts. Did GOOGLES, criminal background checks, third party inquiries. You would not believe what we found!! One couple who wanted an open adoption but tried to negotiate no contact has dropped completely out of sight! Gone!

Happy G'Ma

[Poleczech]

I know that this question was directed to birthparents, but I'd like to chime in as a prospective adoptive parent.

Most laws now state that if you go through an agency adoption, that a lot of background information has to be gathered about the adoptive parents. And agencies may not tell the pbm/d about what all they do check. Here is what we had to go through just to be accepted by the agency/homestudy:

1. Criminal background check with the FBI and State police in our home state.
2. Sex offender registery check.
3. Social Services check (to be sure we weren't the subject of any child abuse complaints or subject to support of of any children).
4. Financial background check, including how much we make, what our average monthly expenses are including mortage, utilities, insurance, etc. (not to check to be sure we were rich, but to be sure that we have enough money to actually raise a child).
5. Our home was checked for safety to be sure we had smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, that if we had guns (which we do not) that they were locked securely and that any ammo was also locked securely.
6. Our home was also checked to be sure that we had running water, a telephone, and a place for a child to sleep -- in our case, we turned our office into a nursery/child's room.
7. We had to have letters of recommendation from people who know us that weren't related to us that have seen us with children, and those references were independently double-checked by the agency.
8. Medical check -- we both had to have a complete physicial, blood work for major communicable diseases, and our doctors had to state if we had a normal life expectancy. They also had to state that any medications we were taking would not negatatively affect our ability to parent or care for a child. In my case, I had undergone counseling for depression related to infertility, and our agency spoke with my counselor about my state of mind and whether or not my depression would negatively affect my ability to parent. (I don't go to therapy any longer, and have accepted my infertility -- not to say that it is not still painful sometimes).
9. Our particular agency also required that we go through a certain amount of counseling with them before we would be approved, which included the pros and cons of adoption, watching video testimony of birthparents and adoptive parents, talking about the emotions that all members of the triad can and do experience in adoption, etc. It was quite intense, and although I cannot say that I "know" how a birthparent feels during an adoption, I can say that I understand their perspective, and I think that makes me more prepared to enter into adoption with the ability to take the other side's emotions into condsideration.

If I were a pbm/d, I would want to know that this was done before I gave my child over to a stranger, and I hope that agencies disclose this information (I don't know if they all do.)

But I do hope that this gives you some peace of mind that, at least for an agency adoption, adoptive parents have to go through a pretty intensive background investigation before they are presented to pbm/d.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I was given J&D's entire home study, including background check. I was asked if I wanted it and I said yes.

[NicNic]

I also am going through an agency that has all of that information on us and it is included in our portfolio. Believe me, they are thorough. Not to mention that as a teacher I had to do the criminal background checks, the social services check, and so on. This was more of a light-hearted approach. The conversation started as a "what if..." (You know how those get going...) It was more of a joking thing, but then I got to thinking...yeah, I just might do that if I were in a pbirthmom. Then I was wondering if anyone that was there has done it. I guess I'm the only crazy one here!

[Leigh131313]

yeah, i didnt take your post as a way to find out about details...that is what the homestudy, criminal record checks, yada yada yada is all about..

I took it more as the...are they hot tempered? Are they kind to strangers...what are they really like when they are not under the microscope (do they pick their nose in their car??) that sorta stuff!! lol

Too funny.

Leigh

[NicNic]

Leigh I think we have the same sense of humor! YES! That is what I was thinking...What are they really like?! Stuff that you can't put down on paper... good or bad.