[SchmennaLeigh]

We've recently discussed the parts of open adoption that make us smile, laugh and warm our heart. And now, since we all need a time and place to vent, let's vent.

For those involved in an open adoption (birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees), what don't you like about open adoption? (Note: not adoption in general; specifically open adoption.) Be candid. Be honest. But, please, most importantly, be respectful of others' feelings, stories and view points.

I'll add my list in a little bit. Again, be respectful. And feel free to ask questions. This is how we learn. (Ooh, and feel free to offer up suggestions towards change. Yes. Change....)

GO!

[Mommy24]

For me personally Jenna....I didnt like the false hope it gave me! I went into it 15 yrs ago thinking I would never have to wonder where he was and he would never wonder where I was but it didnt happen that way. I know how hard it would be to enforce it legally but we all need some protection ( birthparents,adoptees and aparents)....I would travel the world over if I could to make it legally binding that if "Open" is the agreement, then everyone has to put forth the effort to make it happen.

[Ragnarok]

I do not like the feeling of being constantly judged, coupled with the fear of the outcome being cessation of contact.

[Jensboys]

I dont like the feeling of entrusting my children's hearts into the hands of someone that might not value what they have been given, and discard the trust so carefully grown.

I dont like the fact that no matter how hard I TRY, I cant force a first parent to desire a "relationship" with my child.

And I really dont like having to justify our choices to other family members who just dont get openness in adoption - especially when their reasons, in our situation, sort of make sense .

Jen

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Honestly, it is hard to watch someone else act like they are the best parent in the world for the time they see them when you KNOW the reasons they are not longer in their care. It is hard to swallow when they start to pick at little things like wearing an outfit that is a little big/small, having a little spit up on their face, or a dirty face, having a runny nose, or being sick, God forbid they be wet or poopy.

I hate the feeling that every move is going to be judged or questioned. I have NEVER once questioned the love any of my bio parents have for their child...regardless of the choices they made that brought them into my care. I resent my intentions being questions, or my love for them. It would be nice if the playing field felt a little more even. Then again, I am sure they are thinking the same about me. Nothing has ever been said, but it is one of those elephants is the room nobody wants to talk about.

I will give Bugs mother this, she told the CW that she know he was loved and being taken care of. Those words meant the world to me.

[happygmom]

Hmmm ... this is a hard one. This post is not really qualified because our daugher decided to parent her son and we had horrible adoption contacts but we were asked to be honest ...

Almost one year ago my dearest friends offered open adoption as an easy way of resolving the issue of my daughter's unplanned prengnancy. We earnestly and seriously explored open adoption with our daughter. We thought open adoption meant a future relationship with a new extended family. Instead we found couples who offered begrudgingly a "few pictures a year" and "a letter at holidays" as "open" adoption. When we asked for contact, the answer was, "well, we really didn't have that in mind" or "yes, to start but that will have to be evaluated every year".

Then after reading the horror stories on the WEB about mothers who are promised contact with their children and then denied and adoptive parents who have total disrepect for birth parents, we realized that open adoption was a huge risk. We looked at written agreements and were advised by our lawyer that they are not worth the paper that they are written on, even in states where they are legal.

After a month of research we felt that open adoption was a offered as a carrot - a scam to get a baby with as little "investment" as possible. We decided that a thousand sleepless nights with a crying baby in our house and a hundred extra health insurance payments do not equal the risk of never seeing a family member again.

Happy G'Ma

[Happy123]

I hate when the BP tell you comments that are negative. We adopted out of FC. They say, "We know that he will have emotional problems later. When he tells you that you are not his real mother. They (we have a sibling group of 3) will always know that we fought for them. They were taken and given to a rich family (I still am trying to find that family LoL."
I also hate the judgements regarding clothes, school, sports, you name it they hate it.
On a positive note, when our 3 sons want to see their birth parents it will not many years down the road.

[lahdh4]

Since she is only 21 months old I would have to say ---- knowing that she is SOO close and not being there. I know when she has had some bad nights because generally I have had bad nights as well.

Not getting pictures when promised. Or maybe I should say "posed" pictures. Come on kids get dirty that's a fact. Don't try to hide it and make my pictures "pretty". I know she will get dirty and grumpy and fussy.
Leigh

[LisaCA]

the downer for me is wondering and worrying about dd's bmom. Her bdad I think is coping just fine. bmom is in a bit of denial I think, and I know it will come back and bite her on the butt when she least expects it. I want to be there for her, but know it's probably not my place at this time. It's really hard to watch someone you care about and know that she'll have some tough times, if not now, then later, when she has more children, or at some other point when it really hits her.

I just worry about her.

[ess922]

For me as an adoptive mind there are few challenges:

1. Seeing bmom's sadness during visits with ds and feeling totally powerless to help her or through it or to make it "better" in some way because I know I cannot.

2. Worrying if she will permanently disappear from our/ds's life at some point... She's had stretches of a few months of not returning calls or dropping plans for visits through prolonged silence. I've learned to back off when she "disappears" as its a sign that she needs her space and time before she can be in contact again. I just worry that one day she'll take that space and run with it and ds will be left wondering what happened to her in his life...

3. Worrying so much about bmom herself -- her well being, physical safety, etc. There has been a lot of pretty bad stuff going on for her in the past and caring about her as I do, its hard not to worry for her life in the most basic sense.

[heartened]

What do I dislike about "open" adoptions?

The fact that even after all these years of having a legal entity called "adoption," we still haven't gotten it right.

Just read this thread - read the issues that moms, dads and kids are all expressing about it. "Open adoption" was supposed to be the saving grace of the adoption industry. Instead, it has just created a whole new host of problems. We are only recently recognizing the emotional and even physical issues adoption in general causes in adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents. Will it be another 30 years before we realize that "open" adoptions have created entirely new generations of "issue-laden" people/families?

I just hate that we still haven't gotten it right.

But I LOVE that so many are trying so hard as is constantly in evidence on these forums!

[MajaHedman]

I hate that my parents can't accept that we have an open adoption b/c they had a closed adoption with me and my brother and don't understand the benefits of open adoption. I struggle with it every day that they don't want to see my son, their grandchild.

[mom2GRLC]

I hate that I waisted over a year of my life....completely absorbed in the pain and grief my childs birth mom must have experienced that it consumed every area of my life and gave me endless nights of insomnia trying to figure out my feelings on the whole thing and what was best for my child.

That during this time that I was an emotional reck trying to GIVE and GIVE and GIVE all the birthmom did was Take and Take and Take and use my compassion for her as a way to get only what she wanted but not acknowledge our families needs in the relationship as well.

Closed adoption is sooooo much easier.(I have two other adoptions with either no contact or very little). Your able to move on as a normal family and enjoy your children and focus so much more on your blessings rather than the pain you see in the birthfamilies face.

Then again nothing compares to seeing the pure love shine and weep from their birthfamilies face as they see each other again.

MIXED BLESSINGS!!!!

[mom2GRLC]

I hate not feeling validated as my childs mother. Feeling as though I am still seen as the foster parent and not her mother.

[billysmommy]

Like someone else mentioned, I hate the questioning of our judgement on our decision to have (and maintain) an open adoption.