[sunrise36]

My husband and I are just starting on the adoption journey and I am trying to read up as much as possible from all aspects to understand the emotions involved at all different levels. Reading this thread, I couldn't believe the post about the aparents actually sending blurry pictures. I am floored, stunned. When my DH and I are blessed with a child, I could never imagine ever being that cruel to our child's bmom. Without her our dreams wouldn't be possible. I couldn't imagine denying her perfect pictures!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Ah Jen, that's where I had heard that.

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by sunrise36

My husband and I are just starting on the adoption journey and I am trying to read up as much as possible from all aspects to understand the emotions involved at all different levels. Reading this thread, I couldn't believe the post about the aparents actually sending blurry pictures. I am floored, stunned. When my DH and I are blessed with a child, I could never imagine ever being that cruel to our child's bmom. Without her our dreams wouldn't be possible. I couldn't imagine denying her perfect pictures!

The insane thing is that this amom is a "PROFESSIONAL" and wrote a book on the "tactics" to acquire a baby. Do a search on this forum for "Cindy Jordan" or "Jordanmode" or "Suicide of a Birthmother" and you will find the whole story.

I had a long (email) discussion with this particular amom about that particular tactic - My understanding of their point was they wanted her to "appreciate" when she got the good pictures and not fuss about the fact they weren't following through on the other promises. She needed to 'value' their generosity to send pictures at all.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Jen, I thought over time I would be less angry about all of that, but I'm just not.

[taramayrn]

Talk about banging your head against a brick wall with that one Jen...

Still have so much rage over that....

Oh Cindy...

*sigh*

[LisaCA]

this sort of think makes me physically sick. I can't imagine doing this sort of thing, or what kind of person would think this was okay. I have to look myself in the mirror each day and I have to look my daughter in the face and i can't imagine explaining this away to myself or my daughter.

here's what motivates me to do whatever I can to make the relationship with dd's bfamilies work: dd. She's their motivation too.

I guess that's why I find the idea that her bfamily would kidnap her so offensive.

I'm also wondering what will happen with dd's bfamilies when we adopt again. hopefully all our children will be embraced (fingers crossed). it's something that I hope to bring up when it's a reality.

[Leigh131313]

I too am concerned about how birthfamiles will view the "other" child.

We are starting to think about #2, and I want to sit and talk to T prior to us doing all the paperwork....i'm really quite nervous about it. Another part of me thinks I should just wait until we have a baby. I only think this because I don't plan to tell any one else until we have a baby...it's just too hard to get all the "any news yet??" questions, and not to mention it's so hard to tell people when matches dont work out.

But yes....i am really worried about the inclusion of another child.

I also worry that she will think that ds is not enough for us....he totally is! We would just like to expand our family, and hey! He'd get to be the big brother.

Leigh

[manni28]

In regards to the bgmom only giving presents to her bgrandchild (which, I think IS very cruel) why don't you tell her "presents for all or no presents at all!" I think this is one of the reasons why people maybe hesitant to open adoption -because of the various levels of bfamily contact and HOW the other child will feel-it's tough, but as a parent you must look out for the welfare of the child.

[bromanchik]

My family has always included my son's sister, who was adopted two years after him. My mom opened up a savings account like she did all the others... we always remember birthdays, etc. She is a part of the family.

The thing about uneven contact in adoption is this. You can create some boundaries around it, but you can never even the score. Life is just unfair that way sometimes. As far as the present giving is concerned there's a couple ways you could handle it. You could say that if the other children are not going to be given gifts that you would only want a couple given to your daughter. You might tell them the truth, that it hurts to be excluded and you don't want your children to experience unnecissary pain.

The thing I don't like about open adoption is the assumptions people make.
1) That it only benefits me, the birthmother. That I really have nothing to offer the adoptive parents and my son. That there is no benefit in them knowing me.

2) That it is "all the joys of parenting and none of the work". I have had people say that to me in many permutations. There is an assumption that open adoption eliminates grief and loss.

3) That the adoptive parents are "doing me a favor" by encouraging a relationship.

Then there's other things...

4) That the children I am parenting have struggled with this loss as well. In some ways open adoption makes that loss more "real" to them at an early age.

5) After a certain point... once your child remembers you from visit to visit and knows who you are, taking a break really is not an option. They need you to remain committed, no matter how tough it is. It really increases the emotional work you have to do up front. On the plus side of this, I can tell you that 21 years down the road there is a lot of pain that is behind me. Because I was able to grieve in a healthy way I am not carrying a lot of "baggage" with me.

I am sure there are others. The fact is, that closed or even semi-open would have devistated me even more. I can handle the nagatives because they are known, It is the secrecy, shame and unknown that would have done me in.

[manni28]

" Life is just unfair that way sometimes. As far as the present giving is concerned there's a couple ways you could handle it. You could say that if the other children are not going to be given gifts that you would only want a couple given to your daughter."

Brenda,



This statement I have to disagree with; If only one child is getting a gift(except bdays)then NO child gets one! As parent, would you do this to your child? I have a friend who is open adoption and she had a problem like this with the bparent, after explaining the unfairness she asked that a gift be given to the other child-that fell on deaf ears. Finally, she laid down the rules-all of these child are family if you give for one you give for all! To be frank, I can’t see going to visit and bringing a gift only for the bchild when there’s another sibling involved-I think it’s rude.

[AwaitingBeloved]

So much info on this thread..


Something I hadn't given any thought to, was how many have noted how hurtful it is for the bextended family (grandparents, or anyone else) dote on their bgchild and not on the childs other siblings. I had not even gotten this far to consider yet! Thank you for sharing these situations. It is so impossible to believe I'll ever be a mother, that I hadn't gotten that far to picturing what life might be like if we are able to be parents to more than one child. Don't know what I'll do with this new knowledge, but it's good to know.

Jenna, something you said in one of your posts echoes one of my fears. You said you're afraid that the adoption will be closed. That's what I'm afraid of. That the bparents (whomever they will be) will decide not to continue contact or visits for whatever reason. And I know it is their right... but that is a fear I have. I entered open adoption hoping that things would stay open, but am learning that sometimes things change. It's very unfortunate. The pbparents we are currently matched with only live an hour away, and now are talking of moving across the country for a fresh start after this birth. I haven't said anything to them about how it scares me we'll lose touch, because right now they need to worry about themselves and their choices. They don't need any extra burden on them right now. But it does scare me.

Leigh, as far as talking to the bparents of your first child about your consideration of adopting again. I'd say really think long and hard about that. The reason I say that is because, they could say it's wonderful and be excited and put your mind at ease, but what if they aren't? Would that stop you from adopting again? Because if you ask them what they think or try to let them know what's going on in your life, and they voice concern over it, and you keep going forward with the adoption, I think that might hurt them, too. But, I can definitely understand wanting to have their support... and I think they could possibly feel hurt if they find out after the fact and hadn't been informed of your decision in advance. (Yeh, lot of help I am, huh?!) What I'm trying to say, is figure out why you want to inform them. If it's for you to get their reassurance, I'm not sure it's necessary, but if their input will really affect how you proceed with a decision, then definitely include them in this decision. Did that make any sense? I hope so.

Things to think about here!

[niandca]

We are able to keep in contact with our former foster daughter who was returned to bfamily. We have always send her Christmas gifts and always include SOMETHING for her older brother, even if it is just a big choclolate bar. (only she gets bday gift.)

Our ad gets huge boxes of gifts from bgm. We didn't realize it was having an impact on our bs. She is a gorgeous little girl with blonde hair she sits on & big green eyes. She also has autism & multiple learning & behavioral disorders. She just gets SO much time & attention that I guess a box of dollar store junk broke the camel's back. It isn't what is in it, it's that it is big and it comes for HER.

I think it'd be nice if even a card or something was included for him to acknowledge his presence. Come to think of it, she doesn't acknowledge my dh either...the cards are always addressed to me & dd. Hmmmm

We are in a chosen open agreement with bgm...nothing written. Appreciate that she wants to send BIG box, but postage often totals more than contents is worth. Toys, clothes & candy are all gone outgrown or eaten..I do wish she's send something SMALL & more permanent...like a charm or a little plaque/decorative thing for the wall or shelf. She isn't getting my hints & I don't want to hurt her feelings.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I dont know... my take on it is that the direct relationship is with the birthparents and extended family is more indirect... I mean.. lets say you divorce and go on to have more children... would you require your first child's father to buy gifts for your other children? And certainly.. would you require his parents to buy gifts for children that are not related?

I suppose I look at it as an issue that parents need to resolve and not expect the outside people to resolve. Why not just talk to your kids and explain that each one of them have their own story and they all differ and have different circumstances. Maybe take the child out for ice cream to mend some hurt feelings.... KWIM? I suppose if you dont want to have to make that distinction you can simply just ask them to only send gifts on holidays... then you dont have to. Or just tell them that you are going to hold the gifts until the holiday.

I just look at is as... If I were to have another child... there is no way that I would expect Aurora's grandparents to send gifts for my other children... they are not who the relationship is with.. And it would be MY job to make the distinction to my children...

[manni28]

I agreee with the first half of your reason but, as far as brelatives( allowed to bring gifts for one but not the others)-no, it's my job as a parent to make sure no ones feelings are hurt;like I said, as a parent, I wouldn't do this to my child so why should anyone else.

[niandca]

The relationship should be with the whole family IMO. A lot of adoptees have posted thoughts that they felt "less" than bkids...bkids have feelings when it's the other way around too. I wouldn't go so far as to "require" a gift for other kids, a candy bar or a coupon for an ice cream cone isn't too much to ask to avoid hurting the feelings of any child.

--to me, it is a question of just plain etiquette & thoughtfulness; respecting our family to us & to to ad.

getting off topic now...