[Poolside]

This is an interesting thread to hop on.

As an adoptive parent: I hate (don't like) that it is ok for Birthparents/family to go into seclusion for an indefinite period of time, but it is not ok for the adoptive family to be two days late with an update. I don't like that I read every wonderful heartwarming book about open adoption and my child will not experience the benefits. I don't liket hat I have to explain to my child why their birthmother lives 50-miles away and has not visited or written. Some days i think it would be easier to explain that we don't know her.

but other than that, how was the play Mrs. Lincoln.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by billysmommy

Like someone else mentioned, I hate the questioning of our judgement on our decision to have (and maintain) an open adoption.

So true I got that from the bdads stepfather.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Whoa, this has taken off quickly!

My dislikes:

1. Being told I'm selfish for wanting contact.
2. "Open wound syndrome." While visits are awesome, sometimes they are a reminder of all I COULD have had. Ya know?
3. The constant fear that the adoption will be closed even though I've never been given reason to think they would close it.
4. The fear of future conversations. (Why did you place me? Etc.) I've got to have my answers much sooner than some in closed adoptions. And big conversations, in general, scare me! (Confrontation = scary for me.) So, gah.
5. Watching my parents not know how to deal with Munchkin. I feel guilty every time they want to refer to her as their granddaughter (when they get new pictures, etc) but don't feel that they should. Huge guilt there.
6. Knowing that I'm going to have to explain all of this to extended family members' on Josh's side of the family eventually. Nicholas will be raised knowing and around his half-sister. This isn't something I can forever ignore in relation to his family.
7. Not knowing how to discuss/if to discuss my birthdaughter with friends. Sigh.

ANd other things. That's all I've got right now.

[LisaCA]

one other thing: I hate the feeling that this adoption is too good and the next one can't possibly go so well. Dd's bmom is doing her thing, but she and her family stay in touch. Not the perfect scenario I'd love (they're not so much into the letters and photos-and I can understand, some folks are just busy living life, not recording it, lol. I was that way too, until dd arrived), but very close to perfect. And I'm afraid that when we adopt again, it won't be. That means that we'll have to deal with the differences in the adoptions-ugh.

And I'm tired of my inlaws asking me about dd's bparents in a not so spectacular fashion. they often (but not this last visit) mention the kidnapping "risk". Clearly they've watched too many Lifetime movies and read too many romance novels. no matter what I say I can't get them to understand, because they don't want to understand. Luckily they live 3000 miles away...

[mom2GRLC]

(mention the kidnapping "risk".)

With our open adoption the kidnap risk has been mentioned to me...not only by my family but also by birthgrandparent & birthgreatgrandparents.

So that's another major NEGATIVE.....I'd love to be able to have a completely trusting open adoption without that fear at the front of my mind...but that just isn't the case in our situation.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I forgot about that (kidnapping risk) because it hasn't been mentioned by the adoptive family's family in a long time. (Or, at least, not to my knowledge.)

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Oh my gosh... my adoption is only semi-opened.. but Claire did tell me that her sister told her that she shouldnt send me such good pictures because I may want to come and take her back!!!

Very hurtful.

[SchmennaLeigh]

So, what, you should only get the ugly/blurry ones? I've heard of that before. Not very nice.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Apparently. I guess she said something to the effect that if I see how beautiful she is, I may want to take her back.

Because her 'beautiful-ness' played a HUGE part in it!!

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

So, what, you should only get the ugly/blurry ones? I've heard of that before. Not very nice.

That's what happened to Cindy Jordan. Her daughter's amom would send fuzzy or bad pictures as a "punishment" for asking for previously promised contact. I remember one set was only of pictures of M. in the hospital after having surgery. She was then supposed to wait another 6 months for more pictures. Of course she didnt wait that long because she couldnt live another 6 months with the pain.

Jen

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Wow, I didnt know that part. *sigh*

[saxxxy]

I find it extremely unacceptable when my daughter's birth Grandma, who is just Grandma, loved all over my daughter and ignored my foster son because he wasn't her grandchild. Anybody who chooses to have a relationship with my children must treat them all the same and that goes for birth family as well as my biological family. Note: most of my daughter's Birth Family do treat my foster kids with the same attention and love as they treat her.
It bothers me when the Birth Family talks about my daughter's birth parents as her Mom and Dad. When they says things like 'oh she looks just like her Mom did at that age' or 'she has her Daddy's eyes' etc...
It bothers me that my daughter's Birth Mom wants to be called Mom L.

I know this thread is supposed to be for the things we don't like about open adoption but I prefer not to dwell on what I don't like, so I have to add that I love my daughter's birth family. They are so wonderful and I feel so blessed that our lives have been joined through my daughter. I probably have more pet peeves about my bio family than my daughter's bio family.

[Shoshana]

Jen -- that's just sick -- pathological, manipulative, and cruel.

[Shoshana]

I successfully completed a search for my daughter's birth mother. It's too soon to tell if a true, open adoption will develop, but for now we have pictures and the ability to send/receive updates, etc.

Closed adoption -- none or next to no knowledge.
Current version -- pictures, knowledge, and maybe more. For me, there's no choice as to which is best, but I'm imagining some things might be hurtful. It might be hard for Xiomara to see her birth mother holding a new baby girl who was born one year afater Xiomara. It might be hard for Xiomara to see how young and beautiful her birth mother is. It might be hard for Xiomara to understand why she was the one placed for adoption out of all of the children, cousins, etc. in this large extended family. I imagine that it will be difficult to understand poverty -- will she feel guilty that she has enough food to eat? Will she feel guilty if she sees her sibs/cousins without shoes? If we are able to meet her birth family in the future, will she feel like a misfit, stuck between two cultures?

[mom2GRLC]

( loved all over my daughter and ignored my foster son because he wasn't her grandchild)

Yeah that urks me to.

We just had a visit with my daughters birthfamily for Christmas we had a nice visit at the grandma's house and they gave our daughter a bunch of presents. While my two other adoptive children and my foster-soon to be adopted son just sat and watched.

I knew it would be like this and my kids seemed to understand why they didn't get anything and that the day was more her day than theirs...but it did feel kinda strange. Especially since I realized that my other children don't have that kind of relationship with their birthfamily....so this will be a constant slap in the face to them...that one sister has so much contact and gets all these letters/vistis and phone calls and presents when they will not.

I wish it could be more equal all the way around....wether that mean all of them have the same level of contact or all of them do not....but since all of our kids come from differnt birthfamilies and situations that just will never happen.