[djvj]

i am a birthmother who had what i thought was an "open adoption" 23 years ago, but it actually was a "semi-open" adoption. we had biyearly letters and photos for first 9 years, then no contact for 4 as i pulled back, then no contact for 10 as agency did not forward our letters to each other. both sides thought other wanted privacy, so it took longer to reunite than i had hoped. we found each other through other means, and are now in first reunion (2 weeks ago).

i have to say i just learned two weeks ago on this site that adoptions exist where you can communicate and see the bchild. this was a hard moment for me, as i felt duped by the agency i had gone through. but i am grateful that i am in reunion anyway. if i was a pbp today, i would have chosen only a fully open adoption, and i enjoy hearing stories of what it is like on this site.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by djvj

i have to say i just learned two weeks ago on this site that adoptions exist where you can communicate and see the bchild. this was a hard moment for me, as i felt duped by the agency i had gone through.

Back then everything was "open adoption". It has been a fight to make these differentiations in language. I would say we have only really seen these definitions of open, semi-open and closed in the past ten years. Grotevant and McRoy made huge strides with this through their research on openness.

All this said, it really womps that they did not forward your letters. That's just plain unethical.

[ahdavid_93]

I am a bmom. My son is 15 years old. Mine began as a semi-open adoption. All correspondence was done through an agency. Long story short I have not had contact since he was a little over a year old.

[LyndzyBloo]

My name is Lindsay Diane.

I still have yet to give birth to my beautiful baby but I'm having an open adoption with my landlord's aunt and her husband. They are very nice people who I visit with often and I'm very happy to give them a gift that they cannot have on their own.

[Singlemom619]

I'm a foster mom and I adopted my son from foster care.

Although it was an adoption from foster care and mother had no rights... and the system was advising against contact I allowed contact for awhile - first with only me, then with my son, and now back to only me. I've posted recently about my issues/struggles with the "open" situation and although I will leave it open where she can contact me and I'll send pictures, it will not be open for her to have direct contact with him.

[taramayrn]

Welcome to Lyndzy and Singlemom!

[iliv4him1971]

My name is Tina..I am birthmom to Tyler 16, and Hailey 15. I was forced to give them up for adoption 13 years ago, due to an abusive relationship and financial hardship. I know where they are. I get phone calls periodically and photo updates. I am not sure if thats easier on me or harder, knowing where they are and not being able to have acess to them. But thats my connection to open adoption.
Blessings to all and a Happy New Year as well

[tml478]

Hi Tina,
You situation sounds similar to my daugher's. I'm the birth grandmother. She also was in an abusive relationship, was financially not ready to raise a child and also suffers with mental illness. Her child is now 3 and was taken from her at 6 wks old. She gets to see her twice a year, plus photos and letters several times a year. Sometimes I wonder whether the two visits are harder than none at all. I tell her that at least that means that her child will know her and that it might help when she is old enough to choose on her own to spend time with her birth mother.

When your children turn 18 would you like to have a relationship with your children. They are teenagers so that's not too far away!!

Thanks for sharing your story.

tml

[katelynsmom06]

hi i'm christy i live in alabama i'm a 25 yr old single mom to a beautiful 2 and 1/2 yr old little girl that i just gave up for adoption last wednesday. i am currently pregnant with my second child a little boy which i'm not sure if i'm gonna keep him or give him up at this point.

[skinnyminnymommy]

I am a 22 year old birthmom in a loving and wonderful relationship with the birthfather. Unfortunately, we are not in a position, financially or emotionally, to raise a child.

We found, a week ago, adoptive parents who are interested in a completely open adoption. This was very important to us.

I'm excited and even though we know that it will be difficult we are comforted in the fact that we're doing the best thing for everyone involved.

We're due in late August.

[taramayrn]

Welcome Skinny. I hope you can find the support you need here.

Just a reminder that adoption.com is not a matching site, so if anyone contacts you wanting to adopt your baby it is against our rules. Those who solicite will face a ban from our site.

[taramayrn]

Welcome Kristy! We are here to support you.

[xanthen]

I put my daughter up 21 years ago. My mother's cousin and husband adopted her. About a year later, I joined the military. I stayed in contact, but didn't visit often. When she was about 13, she figured out who I was. She then met my father, brother, sisters, stepmother, and later my grandmother.

I would visit and call a few times a year. Nothing too overbearing, not overstepping my bounds.

About 4 years ago, her adoptive father died. Last year, her adoptive mother died.

Recently, (within the last two months), she has decided not to ever have any contact with me ever again. I didn't help her financially with the funeral for her mother, and one other time she asked me for money. She said she had to cash in mutual funds to pay for the funeral. I have always given her money when she would visit, pay for dinner, take her to the movies, etc. She also said I joined the military to run away from my problems and abandon her. She said "I only see you once or twice a year at best. This relationship is pointless and toxic". Well, I wrote her back and validated her feelings, to the best I could. I was shocked that she felt this way, not having a clue from her in the past.

I've been talking to my family, they all believe she will eventually talk to me again. My stepmother says "It's not your responsibility to pay for the funeral."

Honestly, I lost my favorite cousin, too.

Looking back over the past, I could have been there more, communicated more. It's kind of the norm in our family, to only talk occasionally and visit even less. Even my parents and siblings. We are spread out.

Not an excuse, I know.

But part of me feels so bad, so depressed. I'm trying to fight it and rationalize. A friend who was adopted said he went thru and angry phase where he was furious with his birthmother.

I dunno. I know I have to be the grown-up and accept it. I just wish she could see what I have been thru. Giving her up was the hardest thig I have ever had to do. I would have killed myself that night had my mother not been there for me.

I'm rambling. Thank you for listening.

[wishinonehand]

Hi I'm a bmom in an open adoption. She's 14 now. Have some ups and downs like everyone. Can share the good of open adoption and not so good.

[sunshinemomma]

Hi I am SunshineMomma

adoptive Mom of sweet Daughter 11 four years ago from foster care
dissolved adoption of her brother 12 but have openness with him and his new Dad

had wide open arrangement with paternal Grandmother that have had to pull way back on and trying really hard not to close due to her lack of respect of boundaries and total disrespect for our family

Just opening contact with DD's half sister, paternal Grandfather - all going very well

- My husband and I just had first face - to - face with DD's birth Dad - went beautifully and hope to open it further....doing baby steps

- would love to have some contact or at least know that b'Mom gets the letters and packets of pictures that we send her. Our understanding is that she is not emotionally stable and addicted to prescription drugs


So - we are working our way through the Open Adoption Dance

SM