[SchmennaLeigh]

Beyond the general "why did you choose adoption" question, let's discuss why we chose OPEN adoption. Feel free to be open and honest as to why you chose the open adoption route.

Was it to increase your possibility of a match (either side of the triad)? Was it because it would be easier for you? Was it because you felt entitled to it?

And, while we all say, think and believe it, let's get to more of an answer than, "It is in the best interest of the child." We all KNOW that. I'm looking for personal, heartfelt reasons. I'm looking for the nitty gritty that maybe we don't always discuss.

Go for it. I'll come up with my list in a little bit. Someone is stirring!!

[MajaHedman]

I chose open adoption because I wanted my son to know me as he grew up. I am an adopted adult that was rejected by her first mom and I WOULD NOT have that for my son. When my first mom rejected me I had to deal with all of the grief from my adoption all over again. I also couldn't face having another hole in my life. I grew up with one, and didn't want another.

[Leigh131313]

Well, it's not that much of an option where I am. If you do a completely closed adoption, it's through the gov't and free, but the time it takes is ridiculous (over 10 years for sure). So, I guess that is one reason, we didnt really have a choice.

But we did have a choice as far as post placement stuff, and my reasons for that are.. these are not in order of importance...just as they come off the tips of my fingers

1- I have a biological half sister, and it certainly didnt hurt me knowing her. I think I'd want to know her if I didnt, so I assume my son would be the same way.

2- If my son always knows his birthmom, he'll never have fantasies that she is some princess, or evil person. He'll just always know the reality.

3- if my son always knows his birthmom, there will never be a big "reunion" in 20+ years...(which can go good or bad)

4- it saves me wondering if every girl I see about the right age is my sons birthmom.

5- my son will always know the true story of how he became my son. Both sides of his family have the same story.

6- he will know that he was and always will be loved by his birthfamily in a tangeble (sp?) way.

7- it's nice having his birthfamily on board as far as reassuring our role as his parents. I hate the word entitled, but it seems to make us feel more entitled to be his parents.

8- it just seems to illeviate (again, sp?) so much stress off of me, things being out in the open.

9- it's nice knowing things to watch out for health wise. I can't imagine having no idea.

But the bottom line is, we like his birthfamily and enjoy spending time with them. They are very supportive of us, so it is very easy to support them as well.

Oh, the reason I say birthmom is because his birthdad has chosen not to have contact with us. He has our information, and we have met once. He was very nice and co-operative with giving his health and personal information, but we have not seen him since ds was born.

Leigh

[MrsSmith]

Well, for us it was simple: I was adopted in an era when adoptions were rarely, if ever, open. Even with my very contented, happy childhood and wonderful family, I still looked in the mirror and wondered who I looked like... also where I got XYZ from - was it from a genetic relation? For me, those were questions that were answered to an extent when I found my bmom almost 10 years ago, but I still have 1/2 an unfinished picture as she asked me not to contact my bfather, and so far I've honored her request. But I digress....

I explained to my DH how I believe it is an adopted child's best interests to have an open adoption to alleviate those questions and wonderings and blank spaces on the medical history, etc. Our DD will never have to wonder those things, she won't have to wait until her 25th birthday to see the first photograph of someone she actually physically resembles. If she turns out to be artistically talented, she will know her bdad is an artist as well. She will know she has her bmom's dark brown eyes (1/2 sister's as well) and her bdad's facial shape..... She won't have the question marks, and that makes me glad.

So, that's why we only wanted to do an open adoption. Please don't get me wrong - I do not regret or resent being adopted myself, I just think I would've preferred it had I been able to have answers to the questions I had while growing up beyond what my aparents knew and could tell me, is all.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

We did it because it was what Bear's mother wanted. To be specific, I honestly think it was because she had already made her own mother mad enough to kick her out and into foster care because of her decision have Bearput in an adoptive home (she was 14). I think she asked to try to smooth things over so that she could go back home. The reality is that her mother STILL didn't want her to come back home, and she has been on the run off and on since August. The 2 times she has been found and brought back into care, she has not even asked to see him. I think it is sad.

I actually would not mind if that agreement were to fade for the simple fact that Bmom seems to be doing everything because her mother wants it. I get an inner fear of possible abduction from that woman. It is not just us either, the CW has told us to be careful as well.

I have a relationship with Bug's maternal aunt...just an unspoken kind of agreement. She has been respectful and SO nice. She asked if she could be an unofficial "aunt" to Bear too. She sent Christmas gifts for both boys, and has been very informative about things. I think it is important as long as it does not pose a direct threat to the child or their adoptive family.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Why I Chose Open Adoption:

1. It was touted by all of the agencies I contacted as "the way to go." Prior to having to make a decision for or against adoption in general, I didn't really know much more about open adoption than what I had been fed via Lifetime, bad news stories and the occasional article. I didn't realize it was as popular as it was/is until I was faced with a decision of my own.

2. J and D, the a-parents, wanted an on-going, open relationship. They were the ones who broached the subject of visits. Prior to that conversation, I was content with pictures and letters. I did not answer their question at that time, stating that I would decide whether or not I was capable of visitation post-placement at a later date in time.

3. I bonded with my child while she was still in utero. I know many Birthparents talk of how they never bonded with their child because they knew that, had they bonded, placement would have been too hard. I bonded. I had a complicated pregnancy that involved various (and serious) trips to the hospital, during which I worried that she would not be okay. That worry, that maternal worry, made me all the more close to my child. Feeling those feelings, that maternal worry, I knew that even though placement was the right decision, no contact would have been too much to bear for me on a personal, emotional level. So, while my decision to place was selfless and in the best interest of the Munchkin, my decision for an open adoption (with visitation, as it was decided later) was totally, most definitely selfish and in the best interest of my heart (and possibly my sanity!). Admitting that is kind of weird. I do tout that open adoption is a great way for the child to know that he/she was and is always loved. I do believe that's why I continue to maintain the openness because, honestly, it's hard. It's not always easy to hear a child that you brought into the world call another woman "Mommy." And, as I said, while my decision for an open adoption was the selfish decision, if I was to continue making the selfish decision, I would hole up within myself, break off contact and hide because, darn it, it gets hard. Communication isn't always easy, though we make it work. Distance is hard. And it does hurt. But darn it, I do it because I know she will benefit. But anyway, back to the point of #3, I initially chose it because I wanted to know that she was okay. It was a personal need and desire of mine to see it with my own eyes so that I wouldn't always just sit around and wonder. (This point got VERY wordy; ask for clarification if you need it!)

Hm, I think that's it on my end. If I come up with any more specific points, I'll add some.

[irish11970]

When my husband and I decided to adopt, open was the only choice for us. I am also a birthmom, and it is a closed adoption. My daughter is now 18 and I am actively searching. I think I wanted to right a wrong in my life. I wanted for this birth mother, something I could never have. I wanted her to know her child was loved and well taken care of. I also wanted to have a relationship with her family. Over the last 18 years I have only 13 pictures of my biological daughter. 12 I took over the 3 days in the hospital, and 1 the aparents sent through their lawyer. I was supposed to get pictures for at least the first 5 years and that didn't happen. I wanted to do this the right way. If that makes any sense.
I have a GREAT relationship with our daughter's bmom and her family and she and I talk about the differences in our adoption experiences. We have a very open, caring, and loving relationship. Because she is so young,(we just celebrated her sweet sixteen with her this weekend), I feel like we have almost adopted her too. She is quite a brave young woman, and I wanted to show her the respect and consideration I felt I never got.

Jenn

[timni]

dh and I would not have gone through with a closed adoption because we both firmly believe that a child (any adopted child) will reach a point in life( usually in the formative teen years) where if they do not know that there are people who are biologically connected to them it will be very damaging to their development.

Because of this we wanted someone who would still be around for our child when this need arrisses and if we have done our job right a aparents it will never arise bc she will always know those biological connections.

[Ragnarok]

I did not choose open adoption. This was what my wife wanted. If I was making the decision again now though (between open and closed) I would choose open in a heartbeat. The shock of seeing how he has grown in the past three months (we get pictures quarterly) is bad enough. Imagine 18 years - or more - worth of shock.

[sbniles]

I chose open adoption for my daughter with whom I adopted. If someone day,she would like to "find her mom", have a relationship with her or just meet her. She will be able to do so, because I will have the info and pave the way for her to do so. It is because I love her I did this for her.

[LisaCA]

open adoption is easier for us and for dd. to be honest, that's why it's so attractive. When dd asks why her bparents placed her for adoption, why they picked us, why, why, why, some of that we can answer, but most of that we can't. With an open adoption, we can say we don't know, but lets ask bema.

I think it also meant I wouldn't have to watch her possible angst not knowing certain things, like who she looks like (exactly like her first mom , just like a xerox!) or why she's right or left handed.

my grandmother was an orphan and it just really drives me mad that we have little info of her early life. I have a genetic disorder and it comes thru her side of the family. would like to know more, but . didn't want that for my daughter or son.

I also tried to put myself in a hypothetical bmom's place and really thought about what I'd want/need. Since one of the major reasons we adopted was to provide the option of aa aparents for those who want that, open adoption seemed natural.

in fact, we said we'd only match with those wanting at least semi open.

[Free_to_be_me]

I chose an open adoption because I didn't think I could handle wondering everytime I saw a child if she was mine. I couldn't stand the thought of not knowing where my baby was and if she was okay. Quite honestly, I would have turned into a fruitcake if I didn't know. I couldn't just send my baby out into the world and not maintain some ties.

It never occured to me that open adoptions can close. The adoptive parents and I met, talked and agreed to have visits. I believed them. They told the truth. I'm really glad it all worked out.

By the way, I have lots of much better, much more PC reasons for maintaining the openness, but my reason for choosing openness was because adoption was not an option for me if it couldn't be open.

[IsaacsMom]

I agree with Free. I knew that if adoption couldn't be open so I could know about my child, be able to see him and hear about him, then I couldn't choose adoption. I've grown up in a close family, and so not to have that kind of closeness was something I knew I couldn't do. Even though my "open" adoption isn't exactly the way I foresaw it, it is so much better to know that he's doing well in my monthly letters than to sit and wonder where he is, how he's doing, what he likes. I also wanted my son to have the chance to know ME through my letters and my communication with him and his family. I guess it was my own selfish wish. Oh well, I guess I can be selfish in a small way through this process.

[1stmom]

Because I had, and have, a great deal to offer my son.
Because I knew my child would want to know me.
Because secrecy and avoiding the truth are bad.
Because I needed to know how my child was doing as he grew.
Because I knew that by bringinig a child into the world, I had a lifelong responsibility to him. Open adoption is a responsibility, not a privilege.

[MMC66]

We probably didn't put as much thought into the open/closed decision as we should have. Addy's bmom initially just wanted pics and letters. I initiated a visit with her prior to Addy's birth that turned out to be really special and started a real bond and relationship of trust between us. At Addy's birth - her bmom was still unsure of the kind of contact she wanted (she had all our contact information) I told her she could pick up the phone the next day or ten years from now, when ever she felt comfortable and we would be thrilled to talk to her.

As it turned out, she called when Addy was just a few weeks old and we have talked on the phone frequently since she was born. When Addy was a year we went on our first visit. It was a wonderful experience and we plan to do yearly visits in the future (bmom lives several states away)

Sadly bdad is not in the picture and there are lots of bad feelings between him and bmom so for now we have no way of contacting him

Even though we have had our struggles with our relationship with Addy's bmom, I would never give up our relationship with her. I believe wholeheartedly in open adoption, even in difficult situations - every relationship worth having takes some work.

Martha