[mom2GRLC]

Did you ever have regrets or trouble accepting the adoption? How did that affect your open adoption? Did you ever let the child or adoptive parent know you weren't happy or that you were having those feelings? Did the adoptive family sense something was wrong? How did you move past it and accept the situation? How did the adoptive parents feel...how did they help you?

We are trying to have an open adoption(now it's more semi-open) with our childs birthfamily, She was our fosterchild and then became our adoptive child. I really have sensed that her bmom is having a very difficult time accepting us as her bchilds parents and accepting the whole idea of her adoption from the begining. We've been working at having a relationship with her for almost a year now and it just doesn't seem to be getting better. Infact, in some ways it is becoming more clear that she may never fully accept us as her daughters parents of our parenting choices for her. Our daughter picks up on her emotions and reflects that sadness, confusion, hurt , anger, with every phone call and visit. It is coming on a year now...and we have had to make the choice to not have direct contact through visits/phone calls. We are still active in e-mailing, updating her and sending pictures. I just wonder if we can ever get back to having direct contact and what we can do to help our family heal(it has really taken it'stoll on us), as well as help her heal and accept this change in her life.

[lilifelover]

You know, it takes forever for a birthmother to accept something like that. Imagine, you get to know someone for the better part of a year, then all of the sudden you are not allowed to be that mom, that one-and-only in her life ever again-but instead these virtual strangers have the ultimate authority forever and ever.

Now, I don't know the situation...but a birthmother is going to feel ambivelent about it...some days she'll be more inclined to accept it all and others it will be just the opposite...and it is absolutely normal. I still do, I still regret placing my daughter and I still have trouble seeing her in that family...even though it's been nearly 2 years. The trick is never letting the APs know when you're having a hard day...it's the truth and counselors will tell birthmothers the same. What you're probably getting is a more honest spread of the birthmother's feelings on the whole thing...which are completely normal. Just keep working on it and have someone in her family encourage her to go to a birthparent support group or a counselor that specializes in open adoption cases. Eventually you will both learn what you can and can't say to eachother (because I'm sure she has some things on her list about you too) and after yall begin to work things out it'll all start falling into place.

I'll tell you what though...a birthmother never forgets that child she carried and loved-and continues to love-and she has the hardest time separating that love for her child from her pain...and that can make it harder...and make a birthmother more ambivelent-which is perfectly normal in this grieving process that can last a lifetime.

[baby_shimmer3]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

Did you ever have regrets or trouble accepting the adoption? How did that affect your open adoption? Did you ever let the child or adoptive parent know you weren't happy or that you were having those feelings? Did the adoptive family sense something was wrong? How did you move past it and accept the situation? How did the adoptive parents feel...how did they help you?

We are trying to have an open adoption(now it's more semi-open) with our childs birthfamily, She was our fosterchild and then became our adoptive child. I really have sensed that her bmom is having a very difficult time accepting us as her bchilds parents and accepting the whole idea of her adoption from the begining. We've been working at having a relationship with her for almost a year now and it just doesn't seem to be getting better. Infact, in some ways it is becoming more clear that she may never fully accept us as her daughters parents of our parenting choices for her. Our daughter picks up on her emotions and reflects that sadness, confusion, hurt , anger, with every phone call and visit. It is coming on a year now...and we have had to make the choice to not have direct contact through visits/phone calls. We are still active in e-mailing, updating her and sending pictures. I just wonder if we can ever get back to having direct contact and what we can do to help our family heal(it has really taken it'stoll on us), as well as help her heal and accept this change in her life.

I gave up my little girl and it has only been a year and a half, I gave her up at birth so it is quite different but it is hard and confusing and no i don't talk to her parents about it, they are happy and I sometimes resent their happiness it is hard to learn not to show that. I am sure bmom is trying give her sometime. if you are religious pray for her to get through this situation gracefully. I know for a fact she needs it.

[BrandyHagz]

it takes forever for a birthmother to accept something like that.

I wanted to respond because I wanted to speak for myself, rather than have someone speak for me.

It did not take me forever to accept M’s placement or the fact that she had another family that did not include me. Honestly, I think I had resigned myself to the placement long before it actually took place…I was at peace, because I knew she had great parents and would have a far better life than I could offer her at the time of her birth (and even later).

I had a far harder time accepting the fact that I had put myself in that position than I did accepting the fact that M was placed…I felt very guilty about having to make an adoption plan, but I was grateful that I had the ability, when it came down to it…my anger and resentment was directed at myself, rather than adoption or M and her parents…I had made my bed, and I was having a very difficult time lying in it…

Try to consider how she might feel about her position…she may not be feeling negatively about the placement, she may be, like I was, happy that her child is able to have the things that she couldn’t provide…although she may be feeling a great deal of guilt and anger over the fact that she couldn’t do that for him/her herself, if that makes sense.

I just wanted to share my side…because I see so many posts in which birthparents are unhappy and/or angry with their decision…and I think its important for others to know that those feelings are not an across the board thing, at least in my case and the case of several other women I know in my local support group.

[surfmama]

I have been trying to have a relationship with Olivia's birth mom since we took placement of her last year. We do have a wonderful open relationship with her birth grandmothers that I was able to initiate through the agency.

From what I understand, she deeply regrets placing her. Even if she had wanted to keep her, she would have been removed from her by DCF as she was + for drugs and had a cocaine induced labor and premature birth. She didn't name her after the birth, signed papers, and then told the agency no contact.

I do send tons of pictures and letters and will continue to do so. Grandma passes them on and she takes them all. BUT, some day (hopefully in the next 2 years) we want to travel back and visit all the birth family and it would be a shame if birth mom wasn't part of that visit.

Other than time and patience, is there any advice other birth moms could share on what I can do? I want Olivia to know her birth mom and be able to talk to her on the phone and see her when she is older. Am I being selfish in wanting this?

[lilifelover]

Not at all...I'm a birthmom and I want the same thing...I want to walk into the room and see my daughter recognize me and run over...

[Dore]

How long did b-mom have child before placement?

It is heck of a lot harder to become at peace with adoption after you have formed that parenting bond with the baby. My son was 6 months old when I placed him for adoption. I had made an adoption plan when I was pregnant but then changed my mind after delivary and took him home. But ultimatly gave him to the original a-parents.

Even if b-mom rational brian knows it was best, her heart still hurts. How many times has your mind told you one rational thing but then your heart tells a different story. She may never fully be at peace with it. The "what ifs" are probably bouncing around in her head. Sorry if that last part doesn't make since.

After about a year I e-mailed my son's a-mom that I was okay with everything even though I wasn't at the time and I'm glad I told her that because then the truth came out on her part. And the reason they broke every promise they had made about openness. She was intimidated by me and she didn't like the fact that there was another woman out there that loved her son as much as she did. Because she went through 8 years of infertility treatments about 7 IVFs and 5 miscariages her infertility doc finally cut her off would not allow for any more infertility treatments (thats when decided to adopt). So the fact that my son is not souly hers kills her.

If you promised her visits then to go back on that would make it even harder on her. I think stopping the phone calls would be a good idea for now except b-day and holidays but maybe if you just decreased the visits instead of stopping them all together.
And you as an adoptive parent just have to come to terms with the fact that she may never fully accept you as her b-daughter's parents. Not that she is trying to undermine your authority but just for the plane simple fact that it hurts her to much to think about it.

Now I don't know the story behind your adoption so I don't know if going through foster care this mom was a drug user or she neglected/abused her daughter before hand if that is the case then disregard the continuing visits.

[lilifelover]

There is some truth in this last statement. No one can really ever get over a loss of a child. For birthmothers, it's a unique loss...because we know that somewhere out there our beloved children are alive. After a funeral you mourn and move on, but with us it's a prepetual grieving process that lasts for life. Hopefully for most of us it will get easier as we learn how to cope, but the pain and void will always be there...even if we marry and have other children and a full life.

A birthmother can learn how to be happy and adjusted, but it takes a ton of work and a lot of time. I do believe that every birthmother out there should have a right to contact with her child(ren). Of course there are exceptions in cases where it may be dangerous to that child, but the healthiest type of relationship is an open and consistent one! Becoming comfortable with one another in the relationship takes a lot of time, a lot of trust and (again) a lot of work! Be honest, be candid, be considerate.

As you help the birthparents, they should be helping you and yall should be working as a team to help the child whose lives she has wrapped around her finger.

[RiverGal]

Posted by lilifelover:

After a funeral you mourn and move on, but with us it's a prepetual grieving process that lasts for life.

Having been on both sides of that coin, I have a slightly different view.

I relinquished my daughter in 1972. It was the most horrid, painful, gnawing emptiness that I had ever felt. Even a gas pain would send me into a bout of tears and depression because it reminded of being pregnant...it was just terrible.

Then my husband was killed 7 years later...at the ripe old age of 27. That pain is one that doesn't (in my case, anyway) offer one bit of respite and comfort...not any.

With the relinquishment, I could at least find some peace in knowing that Jennifer was happy...that she was growing strong and was loved...that she could feel emotions...laugh, cry, be hugged and have a future.

With the death, I had nothing but loss...no possibility of a future for Mike. My Bdaughter had a future...he was under plants. Who was better off?!

Maybe without the loss of Mike I would have felt differently...I don't know. What I do know is that as bad as the seperation was from my child, the finality of losing my love, my mate, my security, my soulmate...it was 1,000 times worse.

I did not love him more than her...I did not even love them in the same way...both loves were to the core, though.

So for me, adoption and death are WAY different. The adoption might be final, but there is still the hope of life.

Just my opinion.

~Deb

[lilifelover]

Deb,
You're right. They are different kinds of pain, and I guess I'll change that up a bit and clarify that I'm not reffering to the loss of someone so dear & close. In fact, I guess that analogy is bunk now anyway!
New version of my old post:
Lots of pain lasts forever, this is true...adoption pain can be one of those...and for many in the triad it is even though each year brings new hopes of making it better...

I'm sorry for your loss, Deb.

[RiverGal]

Originally Posted by lilifelover

Deb,
You're right.
New version of my old post:
Lots of pain lasts forever, this is true...adoption pain can be one of those...and for many in the triad it is even though each year brings new hopes of making it better...

I'm sorry for your loss, Deb.

No problem, as I can understand well how relinquishing can FEEL like a death. My only point is that adoption can still offer so much more hope than a literal death...if that makes any sense.

Here's one similarity. I have read so much about how some agencies can prey on the disoriented emotions of a PBmom. I have seen the same tactics used by funeral homes...another very emotional time.

My best friend, just a month ago, woke to find her 46 year old husband had died in his sleep...a seemingly healthy, vibrant, loving soul...cut off from life with no notice. They came at her like buzzards during the arrangements. Thank goodness I was there with her and had the foresight to advise her that a $9,000 casket was not needed to "fulfill his greatest wishes." In fact, I remember reading a post awhile back on another thread where the poster was slammed for suggesting a similar thought...but it happens.

I have such a disdain for anyone who (IMO) exploits an emotional situation...be it an adoption agency, funeral parlor, or even a medical facility.

Thanks for clarifying. And yes, each year does bring new hopes for many of us in coping. Some wounds never heal, but the do scab over and become less painful.

Keep the focus on the positive...your Bchild's growing potential, nurturing and developing curiousity of the life ahead. And enjoy your involvement in seeing it unfold. Even through the rough times, there is still much promise for a future.

Best of luck in your healing.

~Deb

[lilifelover]

Thanks,
and to you too...