[mom2GRLC]

Does your birthchild go by his/her new adoptive name?
What do you call your birthchild? Do you feel like the adoptive parents have a right to ask you to call the child by their new name? Have you chosen to use the birthname anyways? What was the response form the adoptive family? Do you think it matters to the child, what he/she is called and by whom.

We just adopted our little girl through fostercare. We've had her for over 2 years now. Both bmom and bdad signed over their rights, when it was getting close to termination. We've had some contact with bmom and her family so far. I wrote her bmom a long letter telling her about the name change and why we felt it was important for her to call her by the new name. She wan't happy about it but said she respected our decision. A couple phone calls later and ..she had made a point of not calling her directly by either name. Now when we called bmom she was calling her by birthname. When our daughter told her she has now been adopted (we've finally finalized), and told her her new (full) name she just said "oohhh", it wasn't a oh..I'm so happy for you or "oh" it's very pretty it was a dissapointed, irritated, unsettling comment.It was clear she was not happy or excitd for her on either announcement.

I am furious ...that she could not put her own feelings aside to show her birthdaughter some encouragement and happiness for her exciting news. Instead she made her feel like it was not good. Our little girl is now 3 yrs 4 months.

I want to talk to her bmom about her reactions to the news and also, her calling her by the birthname...which she new we did not want.

Any advice? Do you feel it is her right to call her by the birthname? Do you feel she should respect our wishes.

What makes me more upset is after the call I talked to my little girl about it and she started to say that she wanted her old name again....she didn't want to be her new name anymore. Legally it has all been changed. I just feel if her bmom would have respected our wishes, and let our little girl be proud of her new name and not feel like it was wrong or she said something bad..than she would have still felt good about her new name. At the end of our conversation she was happy about it again...because I told her that her birthname is in her new name(it's her first middle name).

What do you think I should do about it?
I'd love your opinion either way.

[Tigger27]

Well both my adoptions were done differently so I don't know that either myself or the aparents had to deal with this issue as much.

I placed both my girls at birth with each afamily. I had named both my girls a name and when I placed with each afamily they changed the name legally along with when the adoption was finalized when they were 6 months old. I, of course, had discussed and asked each of the afamilies when I first met them 1) if they'd thought of names and 2) what were the names. Then between myself and each of the afamilies we decided on names we both liked/approved of.

For instance, my 2 yr old - her aparents had 3 top choice names they told me and one of them I didn't like so they threw it out. Their top choice of name for her I wasn't too fond of at first, but I liked it better than the other choices and now that she's 2 and has her little personality developing - I can see that the name her aparents chose for her fits her .

With my 7 mo old - her aparents had a huge list of names and they told me their top 3 choices of names also and I didn't really like any of them at the beginning either. But their top choice of name for her I liked the best out of all their choices and like the name for my 2 yr old, the name for my 7 mo old has grown on me and I like it better now. Also like with my 2 yr old, I can see now that time has passed that the name my 7 mo old's aparents chose for her fits her .

Well and with me and my situation, I've gotten to the point now with healing and such that it doesn't matter to me anymore what either of my girls names are. It doesn't matter to me what their names are because they're still my flesh and blood and I still have a type of mother/daughter bond with them and I always will no matter what their names are. I will always be their birth mother and therefore always a type of mother to them.

But one thing that my 7 mo old's aparents did to help me with the name change is that they continued to call my 7 mo old by the name I had given her in our letters and in our correspondence. They also loved the name I had named my 7 mo old and complimented me that they thought I had named her well just as I think and have told them now that I think they have named my 7 mo old with her 'new legal name' well .

But anyway, my point is that my 7 mo old's aparents gave me time to transition into getting used to switching to my 7 mo old's new legal name from the one I had named her. They showed me respect, love and consideration - I just love them .

So, I think you should leave your daughter's name as it is, as you have legally changed it to be. I think your daughter's birthmom should respect your wishes and not call the daughter by her birthname unless she uses it in conjunction with her new legal name. Does that make sense? For instance, I used the name I had given my daughters at first along with the name that their aparents had given them - as in Anna Kira, my 7 mo old - Anna was my name for her, Kira was their name for her.
I just joined the two names together so I wasn't disregarding their name but also having that connection to her through my name until I felt ready to complete the transition to using only the name they chose for her.

Anyway, this was a much longer post than I intended. I hope that some of what I wrote makes sense and helps you with some ideas for your situation.

Good Luck and God Bless,

Anne

[Montraviatommyg]

Firstly I agree with Anne that you should keep the name you chose and that bmum should respect your wishes. Just be firm with her.

My circumstances are completely different to Annes though as my son's adoption was closed. However I did name him and gave him two names and thought of him with those names. However when he was adopted his mother sent me a letter which included telling me that they had changed his first name. They kept his second name as that's his dad's name which cheered me up as it also meant him keeping one thing I was able to give him. Fortunately I like his first so have thought of him by that name since on the grounds that he may find me so I would have to get used to that name anyway.

Last year I actually found him although he had been searching for me for 5 years through Genes Reunited which is a UK based website for people tracing their family trees. It threw me a bit as I had spent almost 23 years thinking of him by his adoptive name but he joined using the names I had given him. Despite that I always call him by his adoptive name as it's only right though he did ask me why I gave him the names I did. He made me smile when he told me his second name was still the same so I was honest and told him I already knew and told him about the letter.

Philippa

[meteor917]

in my situation, it was a newborn adoption, i did not give him a aname and had always thought of him as babyboy....i figured his parents were going to give him a name and i would respect that. and i do.

now in your siuation, i think it is kind of weird that you gave her a different name after she has already grown up with one name, just my oppinion. was she included in the changing of her name?

im not saying she shouldnt respect your decission, just i wouldnt expect the birthmom to be completely thrilled with the new name, she has been the mother to this little girl, she watched her grow up, and the name she gave her is the only name she has ever known her by. it may take time for EVERYONE to adjust to, including your daughter

[mom2GRLC]

Yes our little girl picked out her new name.
Her birthname was Destiny Alexan dria
the name we wanted was Riley Sue so instead we made her name a combination of both...
Riley Destiny- Sue zanne
the Ann also has a special meaning because my middle name is Ann.

She's our third adoption and it has been a tradition to give them a new name. Our son we got at almost 4 years old and we incorporated the two names together to make his new name. Our youngest daughter we got at 5 days old and we gave her a whole new name. We had already named her, before we found out the birthmom had decided to give her a name after all. But since she was a newborn we decided it wan't as important to incorporate the two names together, because she wasn't used to that name yet. Although she will always know what her birthname is.

I understand it would be difficult for her...that she might slip up every now and then. My problem is that she is calling her by it on purpose. She is not respecting our decision as her parent and she is not saying supportive things to help our little girl adjust and take pride in her new family and new name. In fact she has made me/her feel like she is unhappy, dissapointed, irritated by the whole adoption in the first place and especially over her new name. How can that possibly benefit our little girl. I don't want our little girl to feel guilty or at fault for making her bmom unhappy and that's exactly the look she gave me....after her bmom's comment....like "what happened...what did i say...did I do something bad?"

I just know it's impotant for our little girl to know what her name is now...Riley... regardless of who she is talking to. Destiny is still a part of her new name and a part of who she is, but Riley is the name she will be known by for the rest of her life. It's the name she picked out and she wanted. I want her to feel commited to that name, proud of that name.

She was so excited about the adoption, about her new name, about her new birth certificate and SScard. It wasn't until her bmom decided to disrespect our choice as parents and the boundaries we set up with her....in our relationship that Riley started to question her new name and say she wanted her birthname back.

Her birthname at this point isn't even really connected to her birthmom(in her mind). We are the ones who have been their day in and day out when she was learning her name duiring all this time we've had her. So it's not that i'm threatened that this is her bmom's name. We have years of memories of this little girl being our Destiny as well. We didn't add it in her name for her bmom's sake, we did it for our little girl and for all the memories we made with her during her time in fostercare, as well as the connection to her birthfamily and birthname. It's just that we don't want her to feel like she is two different people growing up. Destiny for birthfamily, and Riley for adoptive family. Her new name is Riley, she shouldn't have to choose between one or the other. Destiny is already in her name...it's a part of who she is. She will just be called by her first name.

[blairie]

I didn't choose her name. I let her a-parents pick it.

The funny part is that I'd picked the first name as the name for my new puppy that I was picking up from the animal shelter after a doctor's appointment that the a-mom took me to. she came over a little early, and gave me an Easter card with the name they'd finally picked inside of it. and well, I had to frantically think of a new name for the puppy 'cause it was the same!

and her middle name is a variation of a name I'd thought of for her. Spelled slightly differently, pronounced culturally - but it's lovely.

Both names were picked by them, without my input - but they were both names that had been on my mind!

[LisaCA]

hi,

I hope you don't mind my jumping in here. we have a diff adoption, dd placed with us day 3, given a birthname by bmom and a name by us. we use part of her birthname ( a long one) as one of her middle names.

we just spent a week with bmom and bdad's families. bdad knows her only as the name we've given her and uses that. Bmom and her family however, do use her birthname and refer to her as such. when we were there, they used both. I let them know that for what it was worth, it was fine by me.

here's my feelings: I grew up with two first names. my mom's side of the family knew me only by my middle name and didn't know that wasn't my first name (and they still don't ). The rest of the world knows me by my first name. as far as I was concerned, this was cool by me. I liked the idea of being two people, two identities . My feeling is that they can call her by her birthname til she objects (if ever). Then I will back what she wants. personally, I wouldn't rename a child over approximately 6 months or so of age. I like the fact that you've combined her old name, but maybe you should cut her bfamily some slack here. She will always be Destiny to them. I think for most kids the diff names will be fun and interesting, not a problem. for us aparents, it's often a diff story. What is the harm of having them call her by part of her new name? as long as she doesn't mind, maybe you shouldn't. JMHO for what it's worth.

lisa

[MajaHedman]

I call my son by the name I chose for him which is what his parents used for his second name. Lot's of kids go by different names. Samuel, may be Samuel to Gramma, Sam to Dad and Sammy at school. Lisa Leigh, may be Lisa to Mom, Leigh at school, and Lea to her friends, who knows?

I really have to agree with Lisa in that maybe you should cut your daughter's first family some slack. How would you feel if you were in their shoes? I was VERY hurt when my son's parents changed his name b/c that was the only lasting thing I felt I gave him. Just something to think about.

If you do say something gentle is the route to go. You need to foster this relationship, not blow it out of the water.

[mystorei]

Hello. I had asked the agency how they normally do it and with her response I had spoke with the amom and asked her what she had thought of as names. I only had 1 name I had picked out as the middle name(similar to the bdads name). When she told me what the name was I added the name I had picked out to see if it sounded right. It did, so we decided to give her both the name she picked out and the name I picked out. We both really wanted her to have the same name that she had when she left the hospital.

[FauxClaud]

My son was always just the name I gave him..to me.
When I found him, he used that name..with me.
I call him that. He calls me mom. It works. My other son calls him his "real" name..probably because they are so similar!
To me, he will always be the name I named him, but I would call him the other if he was more comfortable.

[michellemartin]

I have gone by two names within my family (though very similar because one is a nickname). My friends, people I meet, and people I work with all call me by my given name. My family calls me Shellie. I went by this nickname for many many years (since about a year old until about 19). (quick story is my full name is michelle lee and my dad used to call me "my chelle lee" changing the first sylable to my and then finally dropping the my... you get the idea).
Though these two names are extremely similar they are different and in a way they do represent different parts of me. I was shellie during my younger years, my immature moments I was shellie. My grown up years I've been Michelle. It is my "responsible" name. Though each name is mine they do represent different parts of me.

Guess that's all of my story . But anyway, though my family still calls me shellie I do feel comfortable with it. I know that shellie (in my mind anyway) is who I was and is still a part of who I am. Michelle is just the whole picture of me now. I probably dont make any sense, so that's probably my sign to get my butt to bed!

[SchmennaLeigh]

I didn't name the Munchkin. She just always bore the nickname Munchkin, which is a name she still goes by to this day. I call her by her first name, given to her by her aparents, or Munchkin. Or Munch. Or Miss Munchkin. Or Munchie. Or Princess. Or that Crazy Kid that Yells a lot.

[MMC66]

Addy's bmom named her Adeline. it wasn't on our list but it was really the ONLY thing she asked from us. We chose her middle name Louise after my sister who died last year.

I think retaining a birth name is a really wonderful way to honor a child's birthfamily and to deny that name can be harmful in the long run. I think it's great that you kept the name Destiny in her name and I think it's OK for her birthmom to call her that. If your daughter is like most kids she'll set her straight in a few years

Just my humble opinion

Martha

[Ragnarok]

What is the point of incorporating her old name as part of her new name, if she can never be referred to by it? It is barely a nod in the direction of her origins, if that is the case, so why bother?

My birth son's name was chosen together with his adoptive parents, so we never had any of those problems. He has never had any other name, and both adoptive and birth family feel respected by their inclusion in the decision, and are happy with the name he has been given.

[ALI143]

We are hopefully adopting a 6 month old next month. We want to change his first name and keep either his b-first name as his middle or keep his middle name.
My sister made an adoption plan for her newborn years ago and although didn't care for the first name given by aparents she felt honored that they gave her exclusive rights to name her middle name.
I can understand your feelings 100%. They should respect you and your daughters feelings. But if she's not going to then, (like always)parents have to take the higher road and clear confusion for the child. "Bmom calls you your middle name because it's a special name between the two of you." Everyone else calls you Riley because that's your first name/real name.
Even though ours will only be six-months-old I still plan on telling his bmom to call him the name she gave him if that's what she's most comfortable with. Because she probably thought hard about it and chose it thinking it's the best name in the world-don't we all-