[ellemeth]

Today, my oldest daughter’s daycare teacher pulled me aside when I came to pick her up. She said, “Your daughter was talking about her sisters when we discussed families. You didn’t mention having other children. We’re a bit confused.”

Me (not wanting to get into this discussion): They were adopted.

Her (looking confused): But she sounded like she sees them. Do you think she is just pretending they spend time with her?

Me: She does see them. (To my daughter)S……. please gets your lunch box.

Her: But adoption doesn’t work that way.

My daughter walks over with her empty lunch box and asks about a snack. I assured her that it was in the car. We said goodbye and left, just like we do every other day. She didn’t mention the discussion about families and I didn’t press her. We talk about her sisters when she wants to. Sometimes, she seems to forget about them for weeks and other times she’s full of questions that I answer as best I can.

My question is this, how much should I tell the daycare staff? She’s been going there for months and this never came up before. Obviously I can’t have them insisting to my daughter that her sisters are just pretend or that she only pretends to see them but do they need to know everything? Clearly adoption does work that way sometimes because for us, it does. She doesn’t see them often but they do see each other, probably more frequently as they get older.

I don’t want to have to share the whole story with them. Reactions to b-parents vary widely from “what a wonderful thing for you to do!” to “How could you let strangers take your baby from you?” I don’t especially agree with either end of the spectrum. The only way I’m willing to talk about the experiences in depth is with others who have been through it or with those whose questions are of a neutral information gathering nature.

I feel that the placements were a private thing and not something that everyone in the world needs to know about but obviously I have to tell the daycare staff something if only to insure that their reactions are appropriate should my daughter talk about her “younger sisters” again. At home she talks about her youngest sister’s older brother in the same breath that she talks about my step-siblings who are around the same age he is. They didn’t mention her talking about him but that doesn’t mean she won’t. And I don’t want her to feel that they are a secret to be hidden.

I just don’t know where to find the balance between maintaining some privacy and helping the daycare staff have a clear understanding of the situation.

[Volfe]

The way I've handled it is to explain that the siblings are in open adoption... and sometimes a little education is in order but it doesn't bother me.

I find that since my children are affected by the open adoption I told my youngest daughter's teacher at the time of placement so that she could be aware of any anger, sadness, etc.

However, I otherwise suggest they do indeed have other siblings, but those siblings do not live with us, however, we do see them often (I don't always feel up to bring up adoption - it IS private. I am OK with them assuming there are step-family issues involved, etc.)

I'm rather aghast that the teacher told you adoption doesn't work that way

JMO
Maia

[ellemeth]

I was pretty much stunned when the teacher told me that adoptions don't work this way. Maybe they didn't do open adoptions in the 50's but they do happen now, and it's becoming more frequent. Sometimes I think people studying for early childhood education should have to take a brief course on adoption and the different ways kids can be affected by it.

I'll have to remember your suggestion about just saying she has siblings that do not live with us when she switches from daycare to a preschool in the fall.

[m-mom]

hi, i'm not sure either. I just recently went through a similar situation when i was visiting my b-son last weekend. We were alone at the park together and a nosey neighbor wanted to give me a lable.
Are you a sister (Too bad i'm 25 years younger)...no
Are you a babysitter...no
Are you a friend...no
Finially I said i'm his birth mom. It wasn't sure what to say

[SchmennaLeigh]

If it was me? I would have pulled my child out of that daycare. "Adoptions don't work that way?" I loathe ignorance. Adoptions work whatever way the families agree on. Welcome to the present day age.

Comments like these burn me.

I would write a letter to this "teacher," and I'm using the word lightly since she is supposed to be educating others yet is HIGHLY uneducated herself, letting her know that if she is planning on discussing family units with her pupils, she should learn a thing or two about the family unit. There are so many wide varities of families these days. What has she said to families with two daddies or two mommies? Is she rude to them? Probably not! That's against civil rights and HIGHLY politically incorrect. So why should we (as birthparents) have to put up with others being absolutely ignorant to us? We shouldn't. Hand her the letter and one of James L. Gritter's books; either The Spirit of Open Adoption or Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption.

Adoptions don't work that way. My blood pressure just SOARED.

[ellemeth]

I would pull her out except that it's the on campus daycare and it's already payed up through the end of the semester. Only a few more weeks. I definitely won't use the campus daycare next semester, even if it is convinient and my daughter likes it. I will have all summer to look for somewhere else, either daycare or preschool.

[LisaCA]

As an adoptive mom, I had an interesting experience yesterday. I was in search of the Hallmark card for birthmothers that I've heard about, so I asked at the nearby hallmark store. Had to explain what a birthmother is to the clerk (older woman, in her 60s). She then proceeded to tell me that she didn't think if a woman "gave her kid up" that she would want a card. So I then explained that most birthmothers do not view it as giving up but as placing their child in an adoption plan, that most adoptions are open these days and what that means, etc. Her comment "i've never heard of such a thing". I was then forced to listen to her "adoption experience": I think her niece or someone similar adopted a boy from a 15 year old birthmother. This woman said she wasn't sure she "approved" of open adoptions. Her description was that the child's birthmother "saw him for a couple of years then said she didn't want to see him" and my favorite, that birthmom "didn't want him because he was a boy"-ugh. So I took the time to explain that we're (meaning "she") not really sure what was going on in birthmom's head, that maybe seeing her son with others was just too difficult for her for a while, that 15 year olds are young and we're not sure why this birthmom placed her child, that our experience has been an extremely positive one etc. anyway, as I looked around the store one last time I heard her discussing the card to the customer at the checkout. She still used the term "giving up for adoption" but she did mention birthmothers day in the context of mothers day. more of a partial victory at best, but mentally exhausting.

so maybe some education is in order here (though frankly I've done my adoption teaching for the week so I can relate if you're exhausted). It may save others from having to deal with her ignorance. And you never know what you'll find at another daycare. If this woman can open her mind a tad, it might be a great place for your child. plus as I recall, campus daycares are usually pretty good, convenient, and relatively reasonably priced, which is why students and faculty tend to choose them.

I wish you luck. I'm with you on the forced course on adoption:-). It certainly would make life easier. I'd like it to be required of all educators, esp. elementary and secondary school teachers and administrators.

lisa

[Coley]

Originally Posted by LisaCA

I was in search of the Hallmark card for birthmothers that I've heard about, so I asked at the nearby hallmark store.

Did you find the card? Has anyone seen the card? I am very curious as to see/hear what it looks like and more importantly what it says.

I didn't like any of the few cards that I have seen for bmom's day, so I decided to come up with my own line of adoption related cards and have been designing them with help from a few birthmoms. I'd love comments on them.

http://www.wishuponaweb.net/cards.htm

[ellemeth]

I've had bad experiences with trying to explain open adoption to people. I hear too many of the same things. "How could you give up your sweet little baby?" "You have a child now, you could have taken care of another one." "Why would you want to do that?" "If you gave one up because you couldn't take care of it, how can you take care of the one you have?" and the worst of all..."What a wonderful gift you gave a family!" My last placement was less than six months ago, mostly I'm dealing wit it well, but it tears me to pieces when people question decisions that are made and done with. I don't feel that I should have to explain myself. I'm not much of a peopel person as it is and I have no tolerance for stubborn ignorance, the kind where people with closed minds refuse to listen to the truth.

I have written a careful letter that I gave to the main teacher at the daycare. It explains a bit about open adoption, suggests where she can find more resources about it, and insists that my daughter not be subjected to any negative adoption thoughts or language. She called me soon after I had delivered it and assured me that she was not aware of that attitude in her staff and that she has a recently adopted niece and will make sure the staff understands the issue. I'm crossing my fingers but not holding my breath.

[kllee4]

I just wanted to say that I was appalled at numerous incidences while in college pursuing a degree in Early Childhood Education. I attended an excellent State college with one of the best education programs in the nation, however, the blatant racism and disgusting points of view from many of my professors really had me time and time again making appointments during their office hous explaining why their lectures offended me and what they should consider in future lectures.

We (the students) had lectures on the fact that our students may act out for many reasons and that the most prevalent were that they may be adopted and had not bonded with their adoptive parents (total Primal Wound BS), they were more than likely drug addicted (in which these students were minorites not bonded to their biological families, they were premature (and had not bonded to their mothers due to this and were probably alcohol and drug adicted at birth) and that in these cases we were to immediately consult with our special education departments to investigate testing and possible medication for these students!!!!!!!

It was such BS and the sad fact was that a majority of friends of mine that attended another college nearby always commented that I was much more prepared to teach than they were (since our curriculum was so detailed and they required so much of us) but, in spite of this, I felt that I had to constantly "grin and bear it" and then take it up with them later so as not to look like the typical angry, hostile student most of the time. (Needless to say, out of 30 students in my block, only 3 of us were African American - the other 2 students just kept their mouths shut so that they could graduate with wonderful letters of recommendation). My professors would usually smile and say that they would take note of it for the next time, but I honestly don't think that they changed anything since then. And this was on a small chapter on classroom management and how to deal with "problem" students.

To think that the "problem" students were adopted, fostered, were African American and/or drug and alcohol exposed at birth! It still saddens and angers me! I made sure to voice my concerns on EVERY evaluation sheet and I also sent a letter to the Dean and to the President voicing my concerns on how they are doing a disservice to not only the future teachers they were training but the students as well. I received a lovely form letter stating that they would take my concerns under consideration and thanked me for attending their program! What @##$#@$$##$$##$!

[meteor917]

well this is just my thought, i do not know how the general public is going to become more educated on the subject of adoption if no one is willing to talk about it. i beleive people are going to reamin ignorant if no one educates them, and will hold on to there prejediouses until they learn differently, how are they going to learn about adoption and the reasons behind it if no one is willing to talk about it?

before i placed my son i didnt have any idea that open adoptions existed, and it wasnt until i began researching adoption that i actually found out that there was such a thing. it may have been rude how she worded"oh adoptions dont work that way"but that is not your problem everybody is going to treat a situation differently with there own ideas on how things work. but here is your chance to show her something that she doesent know, and change her perspective. who knows how many ppl would have been effected by it, and how many ppl would have learned somehting new by you just sharing your story with one person.....

its really a battle to fight prejedious, and to fight it you have to get rid of yours first by assuming how one is going to react to the situation.....

just MY imput, by no means am i going totell you this is what you have to do or even what you should do, do what you feel most comfterable with, by all means it is your life....just a thought though to ponder on

[youngnos]

I am a birth mother and an adoptee. I did know that a birth mother could pick the parents and get pictures but I didnt know that there was open adoption that is a open as the one I have. All I have ever known is closed, sealed and never spoken of again.

I found out about very open adoption from a Bethany services booklet. I ended up going through a private lawyer but with out that booklet things might have turned out differently.

Dont ever be ashamed of being a birth mom. Be proud that you chose life not abortion. When ever I run into a person like you did I simply state first...I chose life for my baby and did an open adoption insted of abortion. I have found that when I state it was my choice and my chioce was life, not many (not anyone that I can think of) has anything negative to say. Some times I get questions about open adoption and I am more then happy to tell them.

I have become a speaker about adoption. I have volunteered for quite some time for a crisis pregnacy center speaking with women (only if interested) about the different kinds of adoption, being a birth mom, and being an adopted child. So the questions dont really bother me. Infact...I am proud to talk about it.