[ilenewatson]

Hi there,

I hope it's okay to post on this board as I want feedback from birthmoms on this subject. I am an adoptive mom to three kids, a five-year-old, a four-year-old and a six-month-old. I have an open adoption with my six-month-old's birthmother and have since she was seven months pregnant. We have a pretty good relationship, and I truly like her as a friend and enjoy her company. After my daughter was born, we saw each other pretty frequently, once at two weeks old, then once a month until January. I was scheduled to see her in March but my grandmother passed away and I had to leave town for the funeral and took the baby with me. I've tried calling her repeatedly since then and I can't get a return phone call. I did finally talk to her and she said she wanted to see us. I told her she could come down for my four-year-old's birthday party (she's been to my house several times, so it wasn't anything new). She said she would call the next week to let me know. I heard nothing from her, so I called her mother, who is the person I call to get in touch with her since she doesn't have a phone.

When I talked with her mother, she said that M is feeling very depressed, has lost another job (her fourth since October) and she doesn't know what to do for her anymore. She said, "Please do anything you can to help her out. She's really feeling down right now." My question is what should I do to help? I feel like I'm stalking her or something by calling and leaving messages all the time, but at the same time I don't want her to feel like I've abandoned her or that I won't let her see the baby. I thought about sending her a note but don't really know what to say in it. I'm worried about her and really want to see her, but I don't want to push it on her if she's not in a good place right now. Besides that, she just won't call me back.

Any feedback on her possible frame of mind from people who have been through an adoptive placement would be incredibly insightful for me. I really want to have a good relationship with her, since I don't have the opportunity for an open adoption with my two older children, and I know how important it's going to be for my daughter later on.

Sorry if this rambled a little bit, but I'm really at a loss as to where to go from here.

Thanks,
Ilene

[emilyangel]

You said you wouldn't know what to say in a note, (neither would I, I'm horrible with things like that!), how about sending some flowers? Or having photos taken of your child to send over to her, as kinda a surprise? Maybe put some pitures in a nice frame, or buy a small photo album and start it off with some pictures, to be filled as the baby grows...?

Honestly, this might be something she has to deal with on her own. Sometimes, with depression, noone can help but the person who is depressed. I have bi-polar disorder, and have been there more times than I'd like to count... I did go through a couple periods with the afamily of my bdaughter, that I took a few steps back while I readjusted myself in my life, ya know? I wanted to be the best birthmom I could for my bdaughter and for her family, and to do that, I needed to work on me first, ya know?

I wish you luck, and really hope your child's birthmother is okay, and will be okay. *hugs*

[ellemeth]

I like the idea of sending flowers for no real reason...a "just thinking of you" kind of thing. I find that the most reassuring thing when I'm feeling depressed is to know that I have not been forgotten even when I'm being a little reclusive. If baby will tolerate it, she might also enjoy hand and foot prints in clay or even all of the kids hand prints on paper.

I have a picture of my youngest daughter's older brother (the a-parent's bio son) with the snow man he built over the winter all by himself. He was so proud of the snowman and wanted us to see it and I always send pictures of our bunnys because he loves to see them. that make me feel more like extended family and not just the b-mom of my daughter who is tolerated. Sometimes I'll get out of class and there will be a message on my voice-mail asking how class went and it reminds me that they do think of me and that I can call if I want to.

I agree with Jen that sometimes, the only person who can work it out is the person who is depressed but some things can help.

[Girlie_Hen]

I'm a birthmom in an open adoption and this is my advice:
Drop her a note (include a picture of your daughter), letting her know you are thinking of her, and looking forward to the time when she is ready to resume the open adoption relationship. Then, allow her to continue the silence for as long as she wants it to last. Meanwhile, continue to send her a similar note and a new picture 3 times a year.
It is not your job to "do anything you can" to lift her out of a crisis. Just let her know you care, and are waiting. You are not responsible to cure or fix this crisis/event (and I realize you did not say you were, I thought the statement from the birthgrandmother suggested a favor that you should not do).

[ilenewatson]

Thanks so much for all of the responses. As suggested, I did send her a letter and an envelope full of pictures a few weeks ago and haven't heard from her since I sent that. I'll give her a little more time and then send her another nice note with new pictures and maybe say something to let her know that I'm thinking of her and that we'd love to see her when she's ready for it.

I guess I'm taking on more than I need to, and you're right that it's not my responsibility to "fix" what's wrong with her. Sometimes I just have a hard time getting past the fact that she's depressed because I have her daughter, even though that's what she wanted and chose for her. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I feel bad that we're doing well and she's not and I don't want it to be that way. I really hoped that after placement she would be able to get back on her feet and make good decisions for herself, but that isn't happening and it makes me sad for her.

Anyway, thanks again for your wonderful responses and I'll give her time and space while still letting her know we're here and thinking of her... and maybe I'll send some flowers, too.

Thanks,
Ilene

[ellemeth]

She's not depressed because you have her daughter. She made a choice and now, she has to live with it. Maybe she lacks the experience or resources to help her deal with the pain but if she is really badly depressed, I suspect that there are other issues she is dealing with besides the adoption. If she was prone to depression and bad choices before the adoption, the adoption may be only a small part of what she's feeling and even if it's a larger part, you didn't make the decision, she did and it's not your responsibility to help her help herself feel better.

If you feel that you need to help, I've already offered a few sugegstions and I think that what you're doing with continuing to send pictures is a really good idea. She may not feel up to responding right away but she'll get there.

I think that the best thing you can do is be happy because if you're not happy, that will be a worse blow than if you're doign better than she is.

[Montraviatommyg]

Ilene,

The others have all given good advice so all you can do is let her know regularly that you are thinking of her - nothing too heavy. By keeping her up to date with things is a good way to make her feel included even if she doesn't respond (I'm a bmum).

Philippa

[SchmennaLeigh]

Ilene, you have done everything in your power. I might send an actual physical letter, saying you know she is hurting and if she needs anything, to call (send a phone card, too maybe?). Otherwise, she's going through her period of dealing with things on her own. I was quiet with my birthdaughter's adoptive parents for a few months when I sorted some personal feelings and emotions out. We're back to our good ole super open adoption. I just needed a little time.

She will most likely come around as long as she knows that you're there. Sending good wishes and prayers.

[Praying2Adopt]

When our birthmother is having a rough patch I always send her a note and an email. In the handwritten note our daughter always draws a picture for her ** and I send a new portrait. Maybe this would help her out.

[lilifelover]

Don't give up on her.

I was (and still sometimes am) extremely depressed...especially during the first year...the whole first year, and several times since then off and on.

I love it when the APs call me, although sometimes I dread it for some reason even though AMom and I are pretty good buddies and relatively close age-wise (we're only about 10 years apart). I guess I dread it because it jolts me back into reality if I've managed to escape it for an hour or two...BUT (big but) I want to be wanted by her, by her family and by my daughter. I want to know she remembers me enough to want to call, write an email and send pictures and letters when I'm off at school. I want to know that I am on their mind sometimes...even if it means remembering the hard parts and not just my daughter's shining face.

Don't give up. I was absolutely down the whole first year...the entire thing...and several times since then. Lots of birthmothers claim the 2nd year is even harder (although they're bout even for me)...so it just takes a lot of time. Yall are still early in the game and so everything is still new and no one knows exactly their place yet.

If anything, maybe some 3rd party counseling could help...maybe the agency you went through will provide some openness counseling free of charge (and everyone would be comfortable with people they already know). I know that if I did not have post-placement counseling I would not have come as far as I have...and it's still hard now, but having that caseworker/counselor to gripe and complain to helped me work through issues and stresses before they made it out into my worklife, school or to the APs.

I'm sorry, I ramble so much! Just don't give up...maybe she won't call you back, but unless she tells you she needs some time I'd let her know that you cared and she can choose to reply when she feels like she can...but it would be good for you to be available to her. Sending little notes saying, "I'm thinking about you today..." or "Here's some pictures, you're so special to us" would be wonderful (in my opinion anyway).

Please ask if you need to talk more about this.