[maya_devi]

Greetings!

It has been 18 months since I placed my daughter Jana in an open adoption with a family in New York City.

I have yet to meet a birthmother who is part of an open adoption. Please share your experiences with me.

It has been a joyous and painful 18 months. I would love to speak to women who have had generally positive experiences in placement and what your unique birthmother experience has been.

Thank you,

Maya

[BrandyHagz]

Maya,

I placed my daughter, M, in open adoption in 1996. M was my second child; I was parenting my son, who is special needs at the time of her birth.

My experience has been wonderful. We don’t visit as much as we used to, when we lived just minutes apart…but we do try to get together several times a year…either here or there.

Incidentally, I am also an adoptee who was raised in an open adoption, or what is considered an open adoption by today’s standards. I also consider that a very fulfilling experience.

It’s nice to meet you, I hope you’ll hang around the forums for a while and get to know everyone!

[maya_devi]

Brandy,

Your situation sounds very special and rich, something I would like to know more about if you would like to share your perspective more with me.

I was the first in my family to place a child for adoption and it was an unsupported decision for the most part. It was at once a painful and enlightening position to be in, to be able to observe the reactions, the withdrawals, the stigmas, the self-deception, the judgments, and the fear.

Especially perplexing was pressure to raise my child because it was familial responsibility, it was "my duty" to the family. This all came from my father's side of the family who are Dutch. Interestingly, they never made any clear attempts to help in the situation other than my stepmother offering to raise the child, which was out of the question given my past relationship with her. (My father left my mother and I for her when I was 6 years old.) My mother is 65 and lives overseas as well. She gave me moral support through the last part of my pregnancy.

Anyway, I would like to know what your family culture was like considering you where adopted and how your choices affected your family.

I have a strong conviction that open adoption is such a viable option for women in crisis pregnancy if they just had the appropriate level and nature of support. One quarter of all pregnancies end in abortion in the US. I am pro choice but I know a cry for help when I hear one.

Best,

Maya

[BrandyHagz]

Maya,

When I placed M in open adoption in 96, I had no relationship with my adoptive family; I still have very little contact with them. The decision that I made for my life and the life of my unborn child had very little, if any, impact of my adoptive parents or extended family.

Although I was raised in what is known now as an open adoption, I had almost no contact with my birth family from the time I was about twelve, until I was around nineteen…and then contact was once a year phone calls for a couple of years…my birthmother just recently contacted me again in January. When I was pregnant with M, I called her to find out some medical history, but I don’t recall if I told her I was placing. I did, however, tell her that I placed M for adoption when I talked to her in the summer of 2003…she never commented on it.

My adoption situation was very unique. Although I was adopted, I grew up in a group home, with limited contact with my adoptive family off and on throughout the years. For that reason, I’ve never included them in my life decisions, as I feel its not really any of their concern

I’m sorry you had such a hard time with your family…I cant even imagine how difficult it would be to have family members giving you a hard time for a decision that is yours to make.

[bromanchik]

I am a birthmom in an open adoption. My son is 20. (I have been doing this awhile.) His adoptive family and I are really extended family to one another. Over the years they have come to know and have relationships with my whole extended family, my other children and my husband's family. It really has been incredible.

That is not to say that there have not been "downs". Every relationship has them. But you learn you can work through them.

What is your relationship like?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hi Maya,

I am also an open adoption birthmother, having placed in 2003. Our adoption is fully open and immensely rewarding. We do have quite a bit of distance between the lot of us, but we make it work. Munchkin's Mom was a bridesmaid in my wedding.

Again, in agreement with everyone, that's not to say that it's easy, but even the hard parts can work out to be rewarding.

Nice to meet you -- I'm Jenna.

[maya_devi]

Jenne,

Thanks for your reply. I also placed my daughter in 2003 (November) and have since gotten married to my absolute best friend. Also, we have moved since our marriage and it has put considerable distance between my daughter and I but like you we manage the distance with phone calls, updates pictures and movies. I visited over Christmas too. My relationship with the adoptive family is absolutely wonderful we all (including my husband) have a lot in common and are great friends. Especially the adoptive mom and I. My general question was about the birthmother's family: if birthmother’s are getting support from their family or not. How was it for you with your family?

I read in your profile that you are expecting. That is so wonderful. I so want to get pregnant again and enjoy my pregnancy minus crisis mode. My husband and I are waiting for after our next move and for our careers to get more established. I am in media arts. (Saw you are in broadcasting.)

Would love to talk to you more.

Thanks so much,
Maya

[SchmennaLeigh]

Maya,

My family ranged in support throughout the roller coaster of pregnancy and placement. My parents, not surprisingly, were not thrilled when I first told them I was pregnant. Adoption was immediately mentioned. After trying things on my own for awhile and finding I still had no resource to parent, I started to look into adoption. They were okay with things until they became "too real." My Mother, in the last few days of pregnancy, offered to adopt Munchkin. Post-placement, we didn't talk for a good two to three months because we needed time and space to heal. We are now on a somewhat compatible same page and she is supportive of not only the openness of the adoption but the friendship that myself (and my Husband) have made with Munchkin's parents. She enjoys updates and the like, that I forward on to her. Mom will occasionally send something off to the Munchkin as well. I have some extended family members who have not been supportive, one so much so that he had to say something inane at my wedding. He is no longer a part of my life. I roll with the punches. I know my parents also hurt as they became very attached to the Munchkin while she was still in the womb. I try to let them deal with it in their own way and ignore their sometimes (and unintentional) off color comments. They mean well, but they simply don't understand.

I placed in December of 03. Our daughters are quite close in age.

Yes, I'm in Broadcasting. It took me about seven months after moving here to Ohio to get into the business, but I'm glad to be in it now, even with all of the headaches that occasionally accompany such work. My Husband and I are looking to purchase a home sometime in the next year; either this summer, before I'm REALLY pregnant or next spring, once the ice melts off of everything. (I only move in the snow and ice and I refuse to do it this time. LOL.)

[emilyangel]

I placed my bdaughter in Feb 2004, so not long after you both placed yours

We're in a fully open adoption, and I've also moved, so distance between myself and afamily are issues at times, but we manage also with phone calls and photos. Visits would be nice in the future as well

As for family support, I'm pretty distanced (not just physically) from my family. They saw the adoption very much as something I 'had' to do, with no reason to look back, or even think about her. She's no longer a part of me or my family in their eyes, which I'm sure you can imagine, makes me distance myself from them even more.

[Joyous209]

Hi my name is Joy, I placed my son in an"open adoption" about 20 months ago and have had the adoptive parents change their minds about communicating with me for no apparent reason. I had 2 visits and regular pictures and updates but everything is now cut off. Their reason is because their other adopted son doesn't have contact with his bparents, so they don't think it's fair or something lame like that. I'm completley tore up and the agency has not been supportive AT ALL! I'm lost in a sea of emotion and can hardly even talk about it with out feeling panicked!!!

[michellemartin]

Joyous, I cant imagine being in your place. I hope that you have someone who can support you emotionally during this very difficult time.

I am also an open adoption birthmom. I placed almost exactly a year ago. Well, on the 13th of this month it will be a year since I signed the TPR. LOL, right on friday the 13th! Ominous...
I have regular email contact with them, and occasional visits. Just here and there, nothing set in stone, though at times I'd like something I can plan on. I just got back from their home today. We caught up for a bit after a birthmothers celebration that I went to near their home. Amom was able to go with me to the celebration. Having her there I think helped her understand some feelings I've gone through, and helped me see what she's gone through also. It was awesome to spend that time with her without any family or kids around.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Michelle, that sounds like an awesome time. I'm glad you were able to share it with her. *hugs* (PS - You signed TPR on Josh's birthday... random. Anyway.)

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Joyous209

I'm completley tore up and the agency has not been supportive AT ALL! I'm lost in a sea of emotion and can hardly even talk about it with out feeling panicked!!!

What agency did you go through? They have, at the very least, an ethical responsibility. Do not lose hope. Sometimes these things can be mediated. PM if you want to "chat".

[RileyBooBoo]

I placed my daughter riley almost 1 yr ago her b-day is thursday.She is with the most wonderful family in the world i could not be more thankful to have found them.

i love you riley

[mere]

HI gues i placed my daughter March 22, 2003, she just turned too and her amom ttells me that she acts like she is 16......... I wouldn't take the adoption back for the world! as a matter of fact when i get married im asking her mom if she can be my flower girl in my wedding!