[slowdrowned]

My son turned 2 today, and this year his birthday is hitting me harder than last year. I kind of want to sit in a corner holding a Teddy bear and drinking tequila until I pass out or something. The entire day has gone by in this slow-motion nightmare and it's really starting to feel like it will never end.

I don't know what happened with our adoption. It was supposed to be semi-open, although when I look back I can see some pretty big flaws with the whole setup - they knew everything under the sun about me; I knew their first names and that they live near Toronto and that was pretty much it. Guess who has the advantage in that situation?

I got a short letter and two photos when he was about three months old, and wrote them back immediately. I didn't hear anything and sent them a greeting card after a few months, just saying, "I'm thinking about you and hope you are well." Finally right before Christmas I heard from them again - another letter and another two photos. Again, I wrote back immediately, and now it's been more than a year since I've heard from them at all. I have nightmares sometimes that something has happened to him, or even to them, because I can't wrap my brain around the idea of their being so cruel as to just cut me off without any explanation or warning ... but usually I'm just angry, because I know the odds are a lot higher that they just up and decided I wasn't important enough to keep in touch with any longer, and furthermore, I wasn't even important enough to be made aware of that decision.

I have two extenuating circumstances that really, really make me wonder what actually happened, though:

1.) Birthfather is literally insane - manic depressive/schizoid - and has talked often of how he was going to see to it I never heard from them again. It makes me wonder if he said or did something to turn them away from me, or even to make them decide we were BOTH bad influences and not to be trusted. Last I heard, HE was still hearing from them regularly, but I have no proof of this, and he is a known liar, so I don't really know what to think.

2.) The attorney I placed through is under investigation for impropriety in regards to adoptions they've performed over the past seven years. They do not return my phone calls or answer my letters. I've been thinking lately about just walking into their office and demanding to know what's going on. They were truly dreadful and embodied pretty much every negative thing you could say about adoption, but that's a whole different story. In any event, it makes me wonder if they're responsible for this somehow, if they're either not forwarding letters as they ought to, or if my son's parents heard about the legal issues and decided to back off to protect themselves.

It doesn't matter in the long run, because the only - ONLY! - thing I want to know is that he is safe. I don't think his parents have a clue that they've opened up a whole world of panic and hurt for me, and that all I'm left with is an increasing belief that I made a terrible mistake that I can't do anything about.

Ignore me, I think, I just needed someone to vent to today and this is the best place in the world to do it ... my boyfriend is wonderful and normally supportive but has been walking around all week telling me to "snap out of it" and I kinda want to stab him in the eye with a fork. He just doesn't get it. =P

Happy birthday, Luke. I love you always.

[SchmennaLeigh]

*sending hugs during this time*

I am glad you took the time to vent. We all need to at times. If you need to sound off some more, feel free.

*more hugs*

[Cheryl62]

I am so sorry. I'm not a birthmother so I don't have any great words of advice or comfort for you, but we're always here to listen.

I hope it's a mistake or miscommunication somewhere. Otherwise, as an adoptee I feel so awful when these things happen. My mind leaps to what an adoptee will feel later in life if finds out his parents closed this adoption and caused his birthmother this much anxiety and pain. That they did not act with integrity, honesty, or compassion. Figuring out the whole adoption dynamic and juggling relationships with birthfamily and a-family are hard enough without adding in the knowledge that one of your parents deliberately caused pain to the other. If our life was good, and we have no serious issues with our adoption or our family, I think many adoptees, even from a closed adoption, would say they love their a-moms, but they also care very much about their birthmothers, even without having met or known them, and would not be happy to hear about gratuitous pain being inflicted on them when they already faced such a painful choice.

It makes me sad... I really am so sorry this is happening.

(((sending you some hugs))))

[scarlet52698]

So sorry you're in pain I know how it feels to wonder and worry and it is the worst. I know talking about how I feel with other bmoms has helped a lot, knowing I'm not alone in how I feel helps me feel a little less crazy.

Have you thought about writing your feelings down in a journal? That's something else that has helped me over the years.

Sending lots of hugs your way!

[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by slowdrowned

My son turned 2 today, and this year his birthday is hitting me harder than last year. I kind of want to sit in a corner holding a Teddy bear and drinking tequila until I pass out or something. The entire day has gone by in this slow-motion nightmare and it's really starting to feel like it will never end.

2.) The attorney I placed through is under investigation for impropriety in regards to adoptions they've performed over the past seven years. They do not return my phone calls or answer my letters. I've been thinking lately about just walking into their office and demanding to know what's going on.

Oh, sweetie, this just sucks! I understand why that teddy bear and a bottle of Cuervo sound so good!
I think it would be perfectly appropriate (if it is possible) to march right into that attorney's office! At least some action will make you feel a little more in control.
Try to avoid that fork in the eyeball with the bf, though. I'm sure he's not trying to be a jerk, most people really just DON'T GET IT!