[seeking2adopt]

This is my first post on the birthparents board, and I hope that it is okay to ask this question here (I have also asked it on the adoptive parents board) ...

We have been matched for a little over a month, and the initial plan was for us to meet with the potential birthparents within a couple of weeks. However, pbmom told the adoption coordinator on Friday that everything is coming so quickly, and she does not want a meeting right now, or before the baby.

Any thoughts on this from your experience? We definitely want to be sensitive to her needs, but also feel that a meeting would be very beneficial for both sides to share our hopes and fears and expectations.

I had written a poem and framed it, intending to give it to her as a gift at our first meeting. Would it be appropriate/inappropriate to give it to her via the adoption coordinator as a way to reach out, even if we don't meet prior to the birth? Would a letter be appropriate/inappropriate?

Thank you in advance for your input!

[seeking2adopt]

I realize I should probably qualify the gift idea ... our adoption coordinator also happens to be a long-time friend of the pbmom (and she is a birthmom herself). I asked her about giving the poem, and she encouraged me to do so. However, that was when the meeting was still going to take place.

[Volfe]

She might just want time to be with the baby. That is my thought on it. Don't take it personally

[ellemeth]

I agree about not taking it personally. When I was pregnent with my second (the first one I placed) I knew which set of parents I wanted about 4 months before I was due but didn't even tell the agency until two weeks before I was due because I didn't want to admit to myself that it was really happening. I didn't want to meet the parents pre-birth either for the same reason. Meeting would have been a final step for me, not legally but mentally and I didn't want to take it before I had to. I would just go with the flow but I don't think a letter would be too upsetting for her as long as you keep it supporting.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I matched with my birthdaughters parents for about five months. I did not want to meet them before and I did not have them come to the hospital until the next day. But when they did come....we hit it off like we had known each other forever...

For whatever that is worth.....

[SchmennaLeigh]

She's probably scared and confused if she's like any other birthmother. Give her some space and respect her wishes. She may come around. She may not.

I don't think a letter is completely out of line as long as you don't pressure her to meet with you. Saying things like, "We were really hoping to meet you" is only going to add extra stress to do what OTHER people want her to do instead of thinking of the baby and her own needs first and foremost.

[missingmyboy]

Did she want an open adoption? If so then I think this would be a sign that maybe she has changed her mind or isn't so sure of the adoption decision. I couldn't wait to meet the couple I chose and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with them before my baby arrived as I didn't want them to be "strangers" when I handed them my baby.

I think the gift would induce guilt and that isn't a fair thing to do.

[seeking2adopt]

Thanks for all of the good responses. I have decided not to initiate any contact myself at this point, but simply to continue communicating through the adoption coordinator.

No, she is not seeking a fully open adoption. She would like it to be semi-open, with letters and pictures. She eventually wants to meet us, but at this point doesn't want visits. We're open either way.

Thanks again!

[missingmyboy]

Any news yet?

Shell

[taramayrn]

Stephanie,
I am sorry this has happened. I'm sure it is very confusing and scary. I don't have any insight as to what this pbmom is thinking. Possibly wanting to "hold" on to her baby and the thought of being this baby's mom as long as possible. I agree with you that meeting before hand might be beneficial and will help you all to develop a trusting relationship, however there are alot of professionals in the adoption field who are supporting adoptive and birthfamilies meeting after baby has been born and placement is iminent. They say it reduces pressure to place, etc. Anyways, I would try and be patient (I know easier said than done) and wait until you hear from the adoption worker. Maybe just ask the worker to pass on a message to mom saying you are ready to meet her whenever she is and for her to take her time.
Keep us updated and best of luck.