[Danielle]

I have an open adoption of four years. I couldn't ask for more. I have a very open adoption, I see my son and his birth mother about 3 times a month! I am very greatful for how much his parents have done for me in always supplying pictures and visitations - they even let me throw him a birthday party this month! I couldn't have gotten any better, and I know that my son will benefit from always knowing me and my family.
I guess my question is this:
When I first placed him it was hard - it hurt so bad I can't even describe the pain I felt. After the first few months I accepted everything so well. I was content with the adoption and I loved him and his parents more than anything. I actually thought it was not normal how well I was dealing with things. Since then I have done very well with the adoption, but now that I am 19 Im starting to feel less content. I know his parents are wonderful that has nothing to do with it- I think maybe it is the fact that I feel I can raise him now that im 19 as opposed to when I was 15 when I placed him. Im wondering if this is normal? And will this feeling of - not regret but lonliness - worsen as i get older and become more capable of having him? Has anyone heard of this feeling or experienced it - just out of nowhere feeling like I need him , like I need a child to raise on my own?
Thank you for your time, and I hope someone can helP!
Danielle

[FauxClaud]

I know exactly what you are talking about...

Its like as we get older and we realize more and more what we CAN do, the less and less the reasons that we placed make sense. Plus, I think the older they get the more we realize what has really been missed and that we cannot get back..so the two kind of compound on each other.

I placed my son 17 years ago. I was content and adjusted and all to it for almost 14 years, and then I started to think about it all. It was by all accounts a "good" adoption ( though a traditional close one, but thats OK too..its still a good one), but my reasons for placing just started holding less and less water.

Granted I know that I did the best that I could at the time with what I knew..and I think that is one of the major faults with placing..we are stuck on the immediate issue and can't see far enough into the future nor have the ability to even imagine how it will continue to effect us in the future, but it does!

And I think, especially for me, that I was unable to know what I was capable of at a young age. I had no clue what obsticals I could overcome nor how willing I was to work to get what I wanted out of life and motherhood seemed so impossible and I felt so unable to do it well....hence adoption seemed not only fair to my son, but one of the only plausible options for me as well.

It's a very hard thing to see that maybe there were other things that could have been done instead no matter how great the situation now might be. Admitting one does not take away from the other, but it does hurt.

I wish I could tell you that it does get easier.... I struggled to really understand my younger self and the reasons I got to the place where I did decide to place my child..and forgiving myself for allowing it to happen was key, so that part does have a sense of closure.

Unfortunalty, seeing how much I have trully missed throughout the years has only grown as the time goes past. I do feel happiness and joy that he has flourished in his enviornment and I can see the true happiness in his eyes in pictures, but it still is a loss for me. Having other chldren has multiplied that and sometimes made it all the more real. I know what they have loss by my decision to not raise their brother and the sibling bond that has been severed.

Sometimes I feel like I cherish so much more the time I have with my children now because of what I have given away and can never have back with my oldest.

There is peace and happiness, but it continues to be bittersweet.
We can't undo the past, but we can understand it and allow ourselves to reap the joys of our futures. Question but, Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself some joy.

Claud

[ellemeth]

I was 17 when I got pregnant with my first. I was positive that I could parent. I had been babysitting for years. the summer before, I had even taken my step siblings (then 4 and 7 years old) and my cousins (2 year-old twin boys) to the beach for a whole two weeks all by myself. I had spent plenty of time taking care of the twins when they were infants. I was sure I could parent.

What I didn't take into account was that even with WIC, babies are expensive. And they take up alot of time. For a little while, I was sleep walking through my days. Drag myself out of bed after a mostly sleepless night, attend classes, go to work, go home to take care of SD and clean, and do homework. The only time I got to spend with her, I was exausted.

As time went on, things got to be a bit more fun and seemed alot less like work. Now, SD is 3 and is an endless source of amusement for me but still the last two times I got pregnant (antibiotics don't mix with birthcontrol pills and depo is not as effective as they lead you to believe), I placed them for adoption.

Parenting is more work than everything but you also have to work so you can buy things like diapers and clothes and food. You have to pay rent and utilities. And, while your working someone has to watch the baby (or toddler, or child) and family/friends won't always be willing to help. Daycare is also expensive.

I understand the sense of lonliness. I know I could have parented my lost ones but they deserved more. You are lucky that you get to see your son frequently. You get to have fun with him but when he's sick or cranky you can give him back to his mother (who probably thinks of him as her son).

Nothing can change the past but when you are ready to parent, have another child. He or she will never replace the lost one but having SD has helped keep the lonliness at bay for me. I spend so much time keeping up with her and classes (and work when I'm allowed to go back again) that I don't have so much time to think of my lost ones.

I know all too well the things I am missing with JR and JM (my lost girls). I missed (or will miss) their first smile and their first steps. I don't put them to bed at night and I won't get to take them to their first day of school. But I also don't have to stay up all night with a baby that just won't stop crying no matter what I do. I don't have to wonder how I'm going to pay for diapers next month. I don't have to deal with a baby who has picked up a stomach virus and is still young enough for projectile vomiting. Like my twin cousins, I get the fun of playing with them occasionally and the relief of handing them back to their mother when they start to drive me insane. When you start to get lonly, remind yourself about all of the downsides to parenting.

[GinnyBinny]

I have started to feel like that too. I have an open adoption with my bson who is turning three in Jan. His parents are wonderful and they are awesome parents. I know I made the right decision, but lately I have thought more and more about the "what if". What if I had decided to parent him? Visits have become more painful. The first two and half years after his adoption I had pain and felt a great loss, but I felt great about the adoption in every way. I felt happy with the visits. Sometimes during the visits I felt a sting of pain and after some visits I cried, but that was a rareity with my visits. Most of the time I was completely happy. Now I still feel good about my decision, love my visits with my bson and look forward to them, but now there have been some times during our visits when I want to run away and cry. I think things have gotten more painful lately because now parenting seems like it could be possible as compared to when I had him in highschool it looked absolutely impossible. Then I had another year and half of highschool left, had to go to college, I had no job, no place of my own, and had no clue if years to come my boyfreind and I would still be together. Now I am in college, have a good job, can get a place of my own, and my boyfriend and I are planning on marrying when we graduate from college. When I think reasonably I know that his parents could then definetly offer him so much more and still can offer him more, and I made the right decision, and the adoption is best for everyone, but in my heart I feel it could of been possible and I think what if I had chose to parent. Plus now he looks so much like my boyfriend (the birthfather) and I can see more and more simularities in his personality and mine and my boyfriends. Most of the time this is just wonderful to see, but sometimes now it hurts.
Since I have figured out why visits have been more painful I have been able to think about it and write about it in my journal and I am already feeling better. Every time when I start to feel bad I remind myself of how good things are for everyone. I remind myself of how wonderful it is to know his parents and the rest of his family, how great it is to see my bson so happy, how much my bson has that I couldnt provide, and how happy his parents are being his parents.

-Ginny

[mtlover]

I wish I could tell you that it does get easier.... I struggled to really understand my younger self and the reasons I got to the place where I did decide to place my child..and forgiving myself for allowing it to happen was key, so that part does have a sense of closure.

Eggy,

I am here now... how do you do this... what helped you understand your younger self? How did you forgive yourself for allowing it to happen?

I am working on both of this issues... I am in reunion with my 17 year old daughter. I can't describe the pain I felt and still feel but I can tell you that I am making progress. I am working through the tunnel... I am really interested what you wrote here and would love your perspective.

Thank you for sharing!!!

Danielle,

Thank you for opening this thread and asking such an important question. I hope there are answers.

Kim

[Danielle]

I just want to thank everyone so much for replying. I have read all the reply's and it is truely amazing how much it has helped me. Simply hearing other stories and hearing that what I'am going through is normal makes everything alot easier.
Thank you all so much. And for those who are in the same situation as me, feeling wonderful about the adoption itself but feeling so lonely having such a yearning to parent - I hope we can get through this together! Im so thankful for having so many wonderful people so willing to give advice- thank you all so much.

[FauxClaud]

I guess you are looking for more of an answer than "alot of deep thought"..lol

First, I had to take the rose colored glasses off. You know the ones that had the built in tape recorder that said things like, "It was really for the best, What else could you have done, You couldn't have done it by yourself, You wouldn't be here in the place you are now if you had kept him, He has so much more," etc.
It had to be OK for me to really feel the sad part of it..and in a way, I was partly done...I had grieved for the loss of my child at the time of his relinquishment..I had cried those tears that eminate from the deepest heart of your soul...I was luckily never in the situation where it was a secret or I had to just pretend it never happened as I woul dnot let that be the case. I had travel a good distance through the pain, but then I kind of got stuck at the "its all the best, it was hard, but I have no regrets part"
So I guess, that part of the actually grieveing process has got to happen first....the actual mourning of the loss of your baby.

I guess two things kind of happen together...I stopped telling myself how great it was and in result, stopped feeling like I had done such a great nobel thing..and that began the quest of WHY i had done it. All my "reasons" seemed really weak, when stopped believing that I was so "special and strong" for placing my child and I began to revisit who I really was back then.
It was actually kind of surprising...I had mananged to "forget" so much of what I felt then..before his conception..all the pieces of my life.
I had lots of journels and writings from that time period and a date book where I had recorded my day to day happenings...and I started to go back and read them all. And I remembered what it was like to be me then, I started to feel it all over..the sadness, the confusion, the never feeling like I was worth anything and how no one would ever really love me for me. I was able to see the desperation in my existance and my actions and I wondered how come no one was there for me
And I had to be honest about it all..feel it but then be objective from the place I am now. Re-live it for understanding. And the girl I was, the girl who was able to let her child slip away was so very lost and worthless in her own mind...that the adoption became her saving grace. A situation that should never have been, taken advantage and ignored by those who should have cared for and protected her because they had their own needs and alterior motives became a mire that she had to work out all on her own. And in the resolution, which was placing the child, was salvation to her own self esteem. By doing what was said to be a selfless act she became worthy in her own mind and was able to move on in life.
And it was really, really hard to admit it about myself. To see how damaged I was and how I ended up "getting" something from the adoption process. How I needed to have these total strangers, the agency and adoptive parents, quailfy me for goodness because I was so failed and broken from home.
So in a sense. I know now that I could have done it, I could have been a great mother to him and that part hurts, I can understand why I did not know that and I hurt so much for that girl who was feeling so bad that she could not see her own abilities.
Hence, I cannot blame her..and since I was she..I cannot but forgive me.
So a short novel later....the quick answer is to delve deep into your true past self..all of it..and see what made you get to the place where those reasons made sense. It was really hard and very painful..and changed who I thought I was at a core level. I had believed the "good" stuff for so long..believed I was strong and brave..it was hard to really see how hurt and wounded I was.

Sorry for the novel...I guess there is not simple way to describe it.
Know her...know you...understand her..forgive you?

God, I sound so flakey!

Claud

[mtlover]

Claud,

Thank you for sharing... I have so been experiencing all of this. I am physically in pain from the grief... it is lessening... the physical pain and looking back and revisiting that young broken child that was myself is where I am now.

And it was really, really hard to admit it about myself. To see how damaged I was and how I ended up "getting" something from the adoption process. How I needed to have these total strangers, the agency and adoptive parents, quailfy me for goodness because I was so failed and broken from home.

This quote is where I find myself now. God... I have to tell you it is so good to talk to someone who has been there. So many are afraid to discuss it or acknowledge it. Being a birthmother is extremely isolating even when your situation does not have to be a secret. It is isolating because no one truly gets it... except for those who have been there.

Thank you again for sharing... it is amazingly helpful.

Kim