[DireNeed18]

Hey, I am new to this forum and have looked over messages for a while. You all are very insightful and I have found hope in reading your messages. I am due on Christmas Day, and unsure about what to do for my little girl.

I have just turned 18 in September and have no degree. I dropped out of highschool at 16 and am waiting to take my GED. I am not very financially stable but I do have a supportive family and can bring my baby home if I wish. I am also currently in community college studying pre med.

I found out at 3 months pregnant that I was pregnant and ever since I have been unsure of what to do. It almost seems like everyday I feel different, but always really wishing I could parent her.

I have realized in the past couple days that adoption would be the most beneficial to her because she would get two parents, and she wouldn't be carted through day care all the time while I try to get my life together.

Even though I have come to this realization, it doesn't take away from my unsureness and anger about this situation. I really want to be a mommy but feel helpless and alone.

I am coming down to the last weeks and have not found a family, but am working with an agency. I do want an open adoption but have been waiting for my baby's daddy to sign over.

What I really need help on is from your guys experiences with choosing a family, what do I need to know and any suggestions on what to ask them. Also, any advice on this decision and coping with the whole adoption itself.

Thanx a bunch!

[Sylvester]

My advice to you would be to get with an agency to recieve some counseling. They will also let you know what alternatives there are available to you. You said you have family support, which in my opinion is great!! You sound very unsure of what to do and I would hate to see you make a rash decision and then regret it. We are the aparents of two wonderful children. It was the best move for their birthmoms, I don't think this is a decsion that anyone can help you make. Go with your gut and your motherly intuition!!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

but always really wishing I could parent her.

You CAN parent her. It is ok to utilize daycare!! I went to school when my daughter was little....and we are very very close!! If your family will help you....then you should not feel that is is hopeless--there is a lot of help out there.

I am very concerned about you choosing adoption when your post clearly comes across that you want to parent. It is ALWAYS in a childs best interest to stay with her mom. It may be tough for a while... but it is well worth it in the end.. Adoption in your case sounds like a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Many of us have been there and I just want you to know that it is NOT hopeless.

Your post makes me want to cry. You sound like me....removing yourself from the equation. Please think about how you will feel without your baby. Please think about how your daughter will feel knowing that you had support to parent....but didnt.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I agree. This makes me want to cry. Possibly because Munchkin was due on Christmas Eve.. and some of the wording sounds so familiar.

Anyway, you can parent. If you're feeling that way, you need to do your research thoroughly on adoption AND parenting. Write down everything that it will take to parent: help from family, a set-plan for education, a job, state assistance, and so on. (THough, may I ask how you are taking classes at your community college in pre-med without your GED?) Then write down everything there is to know about adoption: research whether your state has legal and binding open adoptions, most states DO NOT. (But your agency, if it's like anyone else's won't necessarily be forthcoming with that information.)

It sounds as though you're wanting to parent so it comes down to you doing the research at this point and making the most informed decision possible. If you have a supportive family, do what your heart is telling you.

[DireNeed18]

wow... thank you for responding sooo quickly. To first answer the question regarding me studying premed at my community college without a GED, I have to complete my GED within the two years I am attending.

I have been doing endless research on adoption, how it affects adoptees, and birthmothers. I feel like all I have been doing is reading, I'm such a nerd. Not really tho, I just need to be very confident in my decision is all.

My entry makes me want to cry as well, but who wouldn't want to break down crying knowing that their situation is not appropriate for their child. I look into adoption more than the parenting because as much as I do have a welcoming home, it is not ideal.

It has taken my parents a long time to be accepting of my daughter. And as much as I would love to take advantage of this support, it is not good for her as well as for me. It would be mentally and emotionally abusive for myself and her to stay with my parents.

I have been in therapy for my mom for almost 2 years now and me parenting her grandbaby under her roof would cause such distress and tension like you couldn't imagine. She has this back stabbing stability that threatens independence or personal choice, like its her duty to make decisions on "my behalf". She would never trust my mothering and would try to take over, thinking only on how I could never be good enough by her standards, and I do think that she would definatly control everything by threatening to kick me and my daughter out if I don't do it her way.

I love my daughter, and have been faced with this decision like all of you. Even tho I love her to death, I have to think of what is best for her in the end. I have to be able to sleep at night knowing I made this decision for her own well being so she can have everything she deserves. Even if this means a little of an emotional toll on me.

I think you birthmothers are the strongest women out there and I support you guys like no other and highly respect you. You have made the most unselfish decision you could for your child's sake. And I feel this is where Im guided for now.

The feedback from all of you so far has been the best advice I have gotten period... so thank you so very much for caring

God Bless All Of You

[inesi]

First of all, my heart goes out to you and the baby. Although you are going through some tough times, I am glad to see someone as mature and strong of heart as you. The reason I visit these forums is because I am an adoptee. I was born January 4, 1969 in Philadelphia, PA. I know that one of the biggest fears you may be having right now is the uncertainty that this child grow up a happy child. Let me tell you, I am very happy and feel extremely blessed with the family I have been given. The reason why I am searching for my birth mother is because I have a lot to thank her for. Because she was brave enough to carry through with her pregnancy instead of going to the nearest abortion clinic. I also feel that, even though we have never met, she is very much a part of me. I know she will never be able to take my mother's place but she is very special to me and I would love to share all of my life stories with her so that she can be certain that back in 1969 she made the right decision. If you really feel that the life you can afford to give her (and it has nothing to do with money) is not the best, by all means give her up for adoption - there is no bigger love than the love of having to give up something you love so much for her own good. That would not be cowardness, it would be total selflessness. If you still feel you want to keep her, perhaps you could find a single mother home where they help young mothers like you to bring up their new babies until they can take care of themselves alone. I don't suggest you keep her while staying at your parents house because, as you explained, it does not sound like the best place to bring her up. Also remember that in the futre, you could bear other children when you are ready for it and that does not mean you did not love this first one. Also, isn't there an opportunity of finding an alternate/temporary home for the baby? There is nothing wrong with adoption. Specially if that is in the baby's best interest. And, of you would be open enough to give something different a try and the state where you live allows, my spouse and I would love to have a baby but there are not too many people willing to give a baby in adoption to a lesbian couple (as if we had some contagious illness or are uncapable of loving and raising a perfectly normal child). We have considered artificial insemination, but since I am so grateful about being adopted I have always felt that the best way to express my thankfulness would be to give a home to a child who needs one. Anyway, don't think about anything other than what is best for you and the baby. Forget about what people might think or say and remember that even if you give her up for adoption she will still love you and thank you eternally. Pray, pray, pray and God will guide your way. Good luck and God bless.

Ines

[Ragnarok]

I would still advise that you look very thoroughly into parenting. If I had my time over again, I would parent. Adoption really is a last resort. Loss of a child is something that will remain with you for the rest of your life. Never lose sight of what is best for you, as well as for the child.

Most people I know who have kids did not have an ideal situation when their first child was born. Adoption does not guarantee a two parent family - adoptive couples can and do divorce. Just imagine the sting if you relinquished your baby so that she could have a two parent home, and she ended up with a single parent - no better than what you could have given her.

You never know what is ahead. A perfect situation can dissolve like cotton candy in the rain, and a lousy situation can improve. Make the best decision you can right now for your little girl and for yourself. There is nothing glamorous about being a birthparent. Four years down the track, when you are in the ideal position to parent, "it was best for my baby" sounds pretty hollow.

[ccwasson]

Direneed18

I am an adoptive mother and my husband and I can not have children of our own. We are very lucky to have our birthmom and our little girl. I am not going to try and give you advice because I have never been in your shoes. I will say a prayer for you and I know that GOD will lead you in the right direction. I wish you GOOD LUCK in your educational goals and in making your decision.

Christy

[DireNeed18]

Dear Ines, Thank you so much for sharing your story and feelings with me. Tears came to my eyes while I was reading your response, it is so beautiful. Especially while reading your connected feelings with your birthmom. And you are right about me worrying about her happiness. That is what drives me almost to insanity at night, wide awake unable to sleep with just the thought of her being unhappy because of my decision. It is something that troubles me greatly.

I always wish she could just pop her head out and tell me what to do, but that is an impossibility. (ouch! if that was possible )

I am very grateful to have received your response, again. I have been praying about this issue and have felt guided this way. You are right tho, it is not a money issue. Im sorry to also hear about your unsuccessful attempts to adopt. I do not have anything against adoption to lesbians, especially considering your backround and wise perception on adoption in general. If I had more time, I would look into considering it more, but because I am almost due, I really need to make a decision on a couple very soon.

That process has been very strenuous because of my uncomfortability with the decision and the birthfather not cooperating with paperwork.

As I am writing this, my little girl keeps stretching out, I will never trade any of these precious moments with her for anything.

Again, I cannot express how grateful I am to receive such encouraging feedback... its been so lonely so thank you

[ermiller]

DireNeed18-

You seem to be thinking through this as much as you can.

I would agree that you should make sure you look into the resources available to parent to make very sure that you have covered that base.

You wanting to place to keep your daughter from going through the emotional abuse you seem to have dealt with over the years, to me, is a sign that you are focusing on your daughter's needs before your own.

I'm an almost adoptive mom, so I cannot understand your needs as a possible birthmom.

My advice on looking for an adoptive family is to look for one that will be more open than you want right now. That way if you want more contact later than you want now, they will be happy to open the door for that

Good luck and take care!
Erin

[DireNeed18]

ermiller- Thank you so much for the advice on adoptive parents. It helps to hear insight from a soon-to-be adoptive parent. I wish you the best in your current adoption and I pray for peace for everyone involved.

I cant help but wonder though, what is to be done is the adoptive parents in an open adoption close the door on the openness, and is there any way to prevent that?


Thank you again for the advice, it is priceless.

[ermiller]

Unfortunately, I know it does happen. Honestly, I am very bothered by adoptive parents who say they are willing to be open in order to adopt and then reneg on that agreement once they have the baby.

A few states do have legally enforceable open adoption agreements but not many.

Are you using an agency? If you are, they may be more capable in helping you find a family that will follow through with an open adoption over say a facilitator. A smaller agency might also know more about its families than a larger one but it may not have as many choices.

What I would also do is sit down and write out a list of what you would want in an open adoption: how many visits? would you want e-mail? how often would you want letters/pictures? etc. Then when you meet a family, you can sort of feel them out on what they are looking for too. Definitely get the agreement in writing. If it is laid out right there in front of them, they may be more likely to stick to the details than if it is just a conversation.

Take care!
Thanks for the well wishes!
Erin

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Oh Dire... You sound just like I did.

The other thing that I am concerned with is the father not wanting to cooperate. You do understand that this is his child, too and that he has a voice. You talking him into giving up his baby is the exact same as him doing it to you... keep that in mind.

Parents can be rough.... but is not having your mom say something snide to you worth the loss of your child?? It should motivate you to get it together. It is not that expenssive to start out in life... a one bedroom apartment and a job is all that you need. The father can pay child support. Financial aid covered all of my school costs...plus extra...and I worked at Montgomery Ward when I was 18.... I didnt even have WIC.... But you CAN have it and it is there if you need it along with other programs...

It really sounds like you are glamorizing it. And I want to tell you that it is not. It is awful and painful.

I placed my second daughter because of safety reasons...and if I could take it back I would a million times. I parented young. My daughter is 7! The rough times are well worth it. You will not be able to just move on from this.

[mommytobug]

I just wanted you to know I will be praying for you. I also want to say that you need to do what is best for you and the baby. Parenting is always best of that is what you want to do. I am an adoptive mom in an open adoption and I adore my daugther's first mom..........absolutley adore her and want what is best for her.........it has been 6 years now and she is happy and moving along in life..........We have always been open and always sent pics, etc. She knew she wanted us to parent her....

Fast forward 6 years and we were expecting a baby to be born in December and join our family. Our daughter went with me and the potential birthmother for the sonogram, etc. Well, she decided to parent in Sept....baby is due Dec 20th. Was I upset.........heartbroken yes......but not because she decided to parent........may people have said, well aren't you mad? I erspond by saying NO That sweet baby is hers and she has a right to parent. I want her to parent if she wants to........
I am sad but that is just because God knows the future and we are just waiting...My point is to be sure of what you want. You are the mother and you will be the mother always and if you choose adoption, choose it because you knew it was the right thing. All the money and education in the world will not make your child happy but love and support will.

God Bless on this wonderful journey. I am so sorry that you are not bale to lean at home when you need to.

[DireNeed18]

I wish my options were glamorous...

The father is not willing to pay child support, the reason why he is thinking twice about signing papers is because he thinks he wants to single parent. I wish I understood this myself, but I have voiced to him that I was thinking of single parenting myself and he said if I did that, then he would sign over all his parental rights from our child so he wouldnt have to pay child support. There is no grey area for him.

With my mom, it is not just some snide remarks, if it were, I would not even make my emotional situation at home a deterrant.

The thing I struggle with tho is, is it right for me to do a full time job(because lets face it, paying for a one bedroom apartment would definatly require me to work full time), and part time school while she would be in some strangers care all day? I feel that is robbing her so much of the attention she really needs from someone that loves her.

I was raised with a full time mom, and I loved that growing up. When my mom left me alone at 9, I freaked out! I couldn't imagine leaving her alone all day and then being too exhausted to spend time with her and get homework and studying done as well as daily demands all at the same time. That would take a toll on her emotional and mental development as well as mine.

I feel that my daughter doesnt deserve to be left alone so much, and also that she grows up without any positive male influence. I longed to have a dad there for me, to tell me I was worth it. I honestly believe that if he was there for me and gave me the low down on men, then maybe I wouldnt have ended up in this situation in the first place. I dont mean to blame my father for conception but I do think if some worth was bestowed from my father then I wouldnt have tried to feel "wanted or special" from a man. Another thing is I couldnt imagine growing up without a dad. I would be a little resentful if my mom deliberatly chose for me to have a life without a father.

I also read a statistic that daughters from single mothers were 111% more likely to become pregnant as well out of wedlock. I honestly dont know what kind of scale that was taken from, you know 111%, I guess I should assume out of 200% lol. Anyways, you see the point.

Im not saying that Im going to base the future of my precious daughter off of some crazy statistic, but I am saying tho that when it does come down to choosing the best option, do I honestly fit the standards of best?

Sometimes I wonder if I am just buying into the whole propaganda the agencies advertise. You know, the whole "ideal" family situation for the unborn child in question. I know there is no "ideal" and thats for me to decide as her mother.

To me tho, ideal isn't me carting her around to be watched all day by strangers while I hardly make ends meet and struggle through school. To not have a father and live off of the states money as well. To never really have much time spent with her would be so upsetting.

I just feel that regardless of how much I do wish to parent her, and come on, who out there reading this doesnt or didnt want to parent their child, I could give her a life with a couple that is ready and has stability. I only want my daughter to be happy and have the tools to be successful, even if that means me being alone. I just dont know if it is right is all. I dont mean to sound like I am cold or depressing but I love her very much.

I wonder if I have just been brainwashed sometimes by the agency, or have just gone alone with what my parents really want. I dont know. I know I am vulnerable. I hope that if that is the case, that I wont wake up one day down the road and regret everything and resent everyone around me.

So, I ask this of anyone concerned... Is the whole thing of ideal situation and best option just some type of sales pitch adoption agencies make, and am I just being blind by thinking that another family could give her more?

Thank you so much everyone for your feedback already, and for all your concerns and care. It means a lot to me and my daughter.

*And to the adoptive mom that posted while I was writing this, thank you for the encouragement, it was very hopeful and I needed that, so thank you.