[angel22499]

My name is Donna and i am the birthmother of a 5 1/2 year old beautiful little girl. i am new to this and don't really know what to say. i often find myself in situations where i feel i have to defend my desision. anyone have any advice. i mean the situation is hard enough without always having to defend yourself you know?!

[RiverGal]

Hello Donna, and welcome to the forum. I am also a birthmom to a 33 year old daughter.

First of all, you relinquished. You did nothing wrong. I assume you made a decision based on what you felt was right for your child. You have nothing to "defend."

Sweetie, the one thing we have total control over in life is our thinking...the way we view things...our perception. You cannot let ignorance and a lack of understanding by others mold your perception. Just hold your head high, be proud that you have taken steps to put a child's needs in front of your own, and work to find peace.

Is your adoption open? Do you have any relationship with the adoptive family?

It's a progressive healing. I don't know that I have ever gotten "over" relinquishing, however, I did get "through" it. I have peace. You can too..it just takes a little time and a LOT of work. It's a day at a time.

Glad you are here. Many folks are in your situation, and we "get it."

Peace to you!

~D

[michellemartin]

Welcome to the boards. I have found these boards to be very good about not attacking one another if that is what you meant about defending yourself. We're mostly just a bunch of confuddled people looking for answers also! LOL. Well I placed about 6 months ago. I also have a 6 yr old who I parent.

With other people I've noticed I get more positive reactions when I say placed into adoption rather than gave up for adoption. So far that alone has immensly helped with people not looking at me like I must have been a crack addict to place. Now they all think I'm some saint... which once you get to know me... Yeah I'm pretty nice, but I have a mean streak... Havent shown it much here, but just ask my bf!

Hope you share more here!

[angel22499]

thank you both, missing link i guess you would call it an open adoption. i get pics and letters 2x a year. This is so new to me for the past 5 years i haven't really talked about it. its so comforting to know there are women like me who have gone through what i'm going through. you woman are a blessing.

[RiverGal]

Donna ~ Honey, the best thing you can do is to talk about your feelings. Many of us were told to "let the feelings go and get on with life." Those foolish words have been the foundation for many repressed feelings and festering emotions. We can't deal with what we don't acknowledge.

Remember...you have done nothing to be ashamed of!!! You are on the right track...you have found your way here. Talk it out...vent...let the feelings out. What you are feeling is more common than you might think. You are not alone.

Sounds like the arrangement you have is a semi-open adoption. Do getting the pictures and updates bring you peace about your decision, or do they leave you feeling depressed? The first couple I got made me incredibly sad...then I got to the point of finding the peace I needed to maintain. It was way later...and took a lot of sober days to reach that place.

Keep posting...getting the feelings out is the best thing you can do!

hugs!

~D

[angel22499]

the first pics and letters were nice, but now at times i find that i get very depressed about them. i've always been the one to never act like i'm botered by anything. i'm always the caretaker and i guess i'm at the point were i can't deal with anything more. i don't regret my decision, but i think i need to talk about it. regardless of how much better off i know she is and all that good stuff its so hard on any given day. my best friend has a 3 year old i am watching grow up and all the time i'll catch myself thinking- is that what sarah would be doing... and stuff like that. i'm 23 and i act like i'm 35. Regardless of knowing i made the right choice, does the hurt ever stop???

[RiverGal]

Regardless of knowing i made the right choice, does the hurt ever stop???

While I can only speak for myself, I can tell you that the hurt never completly went away, but it got to a point that it was not as acute...from a raw, searing pain, to an dull ache...then to a manageable level. It's progressive.

Allow yourself to feel the pain. It wasn't until I really let the emotions come out that I began to heal. The first year and a half, I was very self-destructive. I barely remember a sober day. My entire purpose in life was to mask what I felt...but after a while, I just couldn't get drunk or high enough to escape it. That's when I nutted up and started working on the recognition.

Like you, my role in the family was/is the peace-keeper...the caretaker. I was unaccustomed to showing weakness, to asking others for help. It was a humbling experience. I thought if one more person told me I had "done the right thing for my baby," I would spit on them. To this day, I know I did the right thing for her...but that wasn't necessarily the right thing for me. That is what was so hard to come to grips with.

Peace will come...however elusive it seems right now...it's on the horizon. Surround yourself with positive people. Journaling is a great tool. Write out what you feel when the emotions take you over. You can choose to keep the writings, or be creative with them. I devised a little ritual (which I still do). I keep two journals (at least) going all the time. One is for things I think I might like to keep...profound thoughts and revelations for positive growth. The other is for negative days...for the times when I want to rip the head off of someone. When that one is full, I light a fire in the bbq grill and burn it. I watch it burn until the last page is ashes. As the smoke rises, I let all of negativity go along with it. It works well for me...like a cleansing.

Hang in there, sweetheart. You are among friends. We "get it."

Hugs!

~D

[angel22499]

thank you soo much for the positive feedback. i can completely relate to the best thing for her, may not be the best thing for me. my whole family was against my decision so for me to admit it hurts is like admiting defeat. its just nice to feel welcome here and i thank you for that. once i accept that i'm not alone i think i'll be ok. i also turned to other things right after and have been clean for 2 years now. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and i just have to get through today. Thank you again.

[jotoch_jk]

MissinglinkinFl,
You are a strong person. I am also new to this and find it is good to know there is someone of your character in this forum. I gave Chase to adoptive parents a year ago... and it is killer. I have just lost my second job and my grades in college could be better. I just can't seem to motivate, I feel alone all the time, I am constantly crying, can't eat, can't sleep. My two good freinds told me I had a break down after Chase was born, (I was to drugged to relize). I told the judge I didn't need the adoptive parents to pay for counseling, (I was still messed up on the valium, my OB continued to prescribe). But now the drugs have long worn off, jobs are lost, and my mind went with Chase. I hope to find cheap counseling, but good counseling. LOL I hope one day I will get through this heartache, your words of wisdom will push me forward. Thanks. Katie

[jotoch_jk]

MichelleMartin,
Placed for adoption sounds much better. Thanks

[michellemartin]

Counselors are hard to find with proper adoption loss training. I've found this site to be way better than the counselors I've gone to! Well, I didnt bother trying to see anyone post placement, but in my younger days I had some family issues. I saw a few different therapists... no point for me at least.

I'm about to start college. I placed my child, so I should do something with my life, right? I would never forgive myself for placing then not getting myself out of this mess I've found myself in.

[RiverGal]

Katie ~ Things will get better...you can bank on it. Counseling is great...just make sure your counselor is familiar with adoption related issues. The last thing birthmoms need to deal with are the antiquated views that we should "put "it" behind us and move on."

A day at a time...a step at a time. Hang around here...you are in a great place for support. MichelleMartin is a young birthmother...and wise beyond her years. Her advice and support is invaluable.

hugs!

~D

[jotoch_jk]

Michelle-
Chase is the reason I've chose to go back to college. I have found this site very helpful and comforting. Thanks for your support.

[jotoch_jk]

D-
Thanks bunches! Hope all is well. This site is awesome!