[eurydice]

People just can't help but make insulting comments about my adoption experience.

My own sister told me that I don't deserve to be called a "mother" because I am putting the baby up for adoption. I understand that I will not be raising a child so I am not going to called "mommy" by my child and by the adoptive parents. I still feel that I am a "mother" and that my family and friends should honor that. I still want to be told "happy mother's day" and things of the sort. Am I asking for too much?

[aj2002]

First of all... ((((((hugs)))))) to you. I don't know if you are a new b-mom or not, but if you are new, just know that people have no tact. They will ask you why you gave your baby up for adoption, why you didn't at least try to parent them, and then there will be the "well, at least you still get to see them" remarks (Yes, we are lucky to see them, but it doesn't make it any easier). I've even had people ask me if I "get my baby back" when I get married. But anyway... I agree with you. I still consider myself my son's Mother... I gave birth to him... that should be worth something (lol). Having said that, though... I will never EVER consider myself his mommy. That title is reserved for someone much more important to him than me.

[mlbsands]

I am sorry that your friends and family have upset up.. I am sure it is hard to hear those kinds of things.. I think it all really depends on what kind of people your friends and family are and how THEY see you.. I don;t think you can really expect anyone to do anything specific..

For example.. we are adopting a baby (due in July).. I sent the expectant mom a mother day card (I feel like she does deserve that).. she thought it was weird since she is going to be placing the baby.. but she was happy that I thought of her..

conversly I am also the foster mom of a teenager.. she made me a really nice card and gave me a small gift and wished me happy mothers day,.. it was very sweet.. but my brother and his wife said "why would you get a mothers day card?? you are not her mom".. even though she is a permanant placement and will be with us for the next 4 to 6 years...

I think the bottom line is that some people just don't think befor they speak and others will celebrate you becasue they WANT to..

hang in there and try to educate people.. Good Luck..

Mandy

[AmyRae613]

I believe that i am my daughter's mother. she may not call me that...but she will know. someone told me once...i will always be her mother, and the adoptive mom will always be mom or mommy. you will always be a mother. you are doing what a mother does best. you thought what was the best for your child.

[Verncait]

[That title is reserved for someone much more important to him than me.]
aj2002,
Just because your son does not call you Mommy does not mean that you aren't also someone who is very important. Your role in your child's life will always follow him throughout his life. Because of you...he is he! Never humble yourself by thinking you aren't just as important as his adoptive parents.

eurydice,
This is la little late (or maybe early), but..."Happy Mother's Day!" You do deserve that and much, much, more!

Keep your back to the wind and your face to the sun!
Linda
(a very appreciative adoptive mom)

[DianeS]

"Mother" is a title that does not go away - ever. It does not matter if your child grows up and moves away, graces you with the title "grandmother", lives with someone else by choice or necessity, dies, or is placed for adoption. It would not matter if your child lived at a boarding school all year, or if the child was being raised by a father and stepmother instead of his/her mother.

All that matters is that for the time the child was with you, you mothered him/her. Once a mother, always a mother.

Yes, there can be a lot of semantics associated with exactly WHO you "are" mother to, but those are things other people worry about.

You may not be able to explain that to people, though. And we cannot expect to control other people's behavior about any issue. You may have to find a way to honor that part of yourself without acknowledgement from others, if they are unable to see the situation from this point of view.

But keep explaining if you want to, because some people will eventually "get it". And surround yourself with people who understand and will be supportive.

[eurydice]

I feel the same way as many of you do. I will always be her mother because if it wasn't for me she wouldn't exist and she wouldn't be living the life that she will be living. As her mother I am making the best decision for her and even if that means that I am giving her up I am still being the best mother that I can be.

My sister has made two insensitive comments to me already. I decided to cut off communication with her for now. I am two weeks away from my due date so I really don't need any unsupportive people around me.

I am so glad that I have this forum to talk to people in! You guys really help me out.

[Ky_birthmom97]

hi there
well i am sorry u are going through this. The answer i can give u is coming from one birthmom to another is well someone once told me the day i had my daughter was she is special she has 2 mothers that love her dearly and that is a birthmom and a adopted mom. Do not feel bad for u saying u are her mom i gave my daughter up 7 years ago and when i am talking i still talk about her saying my daughter because she is and will always be my daughter, although i am not her mommy i am her mother...so don't listen to what they are saying, they can not tell u how to feel or what to think Keep your head up and a smile on your face because we are all great for what we have done we have gave a children lifes and we should be happy just for that.

[spitzlvr]

I just met my bMom on 6/19, and wondered who is what. I came to this conclusion. It may not work for you, but it makes it easier on me. my bMom is my Mother, my Mom is my parent.



You are a mother because you gave birth to a child. You are choosing not to parent. That means you aren't the PARENT, but you are a MOTHER.

[AMom2Two]

Originally posted by spitzlvr
You are a mother because you gave birth to a child. You are choosing not to parent. That means you aren't the PARENT, but you are a MOTHER.

Completely agree. A real mother always looks out for her child. That is what you are doing. You are as real and as much as a mother, as someone who is parenting the child. The only difference is as spitzlvr said, you are not the parent but you WILL ALWAYS BE A MOTHER.

[mommytobug]

I am an adoptive parent to a very special angel........who is now 5 going on 20. Her birthmother, Amanda will always be her first mother. I have told her the story many many times........and she knows that I could not have children and that Amanda could and did that for me. I am forever grateful and blessed. I always remember her on Mother's Day. She is very special to me and we are very protective of her.......and she knows it. She always said during the pregancy that we were her parents and she was carrying her for us.........I know she coped better that way. The only thing I ever dreamed of was being a Mommy........how dare me to take any of the knowledge that she is the only reason I am away from her!!!!!!! We have a great relationship...I adore her and she us. We are now adopting again and my fear is that we will not find someone who we can be as close to. My daugther talks about MS Amanda often........am I jealous??? No, again Ms Amanda is the reason I am who I am.........

In the hospital, Amanda's parents asked that she be treated just like any other "Mom" and she was and still is a MOM. She even got the meal that the hospital provides for new parents........and asked my hubby to be her guest of honor. She is an absolutely amazing person and an even more amazing MOM. Ok, I know I am on a soap box but I just wish that everyone could feel th way we do........OUR children would be so much better off.............so PRAY for us that we meet another incredible person who will prouldly be FIRST MOM to our unborn child............GOD BLESS AND GOOD LUCK. You know in your gut what is true.....in the end this is what matters.

[angel22499]

don't ever think that you don't deserve to be called that childs mother. graned he has a new "MOMMY" but u gave him the most precious gift of all -LIFE. Don't discredit that. i encounter that all the time. i'll tell people i have a 5 year old and there response is "so u don't really have a daughter". Well yes i do. Adoption is the most unselfish choice you will ever make. nobody can give your son what you did- life and a family that loves him and can give him what you are not able too.

[onejobette]

Hello, I fel so bad for you. I justn don't understand how people can be so bleepin insensitive and say such horrible and hurtful things, whether it's right smack dab in the middle of the adoption process, or it's been YEARS after the adoption. You will ALWAYS be this child's mother, even if law says you are not.
I am just the auntie of my niece who was given upfor adoption some years ago, and I took care of her for a while, but, due to situations in my own life, I just could not care for her when my sister made the decision to give her up for adoption. If you will, and I hope you do, read my article "Touched By An Angel," you'll understand why my sister, or noone in the family really, could care for this little one ourselves. But, someone once said to me, when talking about wanting a child someday, that I didn't deserve to be a mother, because after all, I didn't even take my own niece in. Excuse me for saying, that people are usually speaking out of their "REARS" when they open their big flapping gums. Everyone wants to play the hero and ride in on their white horses and all, but adoption, is NEVER easy, and their are so many reasons, ligit ones even for why this child was given up. You and you alone know what's best for you and this child, and given all your alternitives, options, and your situations, if you feel after long thought and consideration, that this is the right choice for you? GOD BLESS YOU, and all the help, support, and counseling you'll need will be there for you. Please, do not take personally what these idiots say, apparently they just don't have the heart to consider how you feel, and the pain and anguish you're going through.
Hugs and prayers.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Eurydice,
Your post really was very sad. I don't know why people feel and say the things they do sometimes. Even if your sister is hurt and this is her way of dealing with her loss of a niece or nephew (by lashing out at you) that does not make it ok or acceptable. I think it is great that if you are considering adoption or have made an adoption plan that you still want to hear "Happy Mother's Day" and still be a mommy. You are a mommy. You always will be. No matter what happens or has happened. You have a son or daughter that you gave life to. Just because you are not raising that child does not mean that you are no longer a mother. You may not be parenting, but you are still a mom. And your child will still need you. (At least that's my opinion.) I think a child needs any and all family they are fortunate enough to have. Whether they are born into a family and stay there or born into a family and adopted by another family. That child will only benefit from all the loving relationships he or she can get. Who ever complains that they have too much love??? :-) I think you are a mommy. And I'm sorry your sister is being too selfish in her own grief to recognize that of you. Maybe one day she will be able to accept your decision and her own hurt may heal and she can recognize that you are a mom. Good luck in your journey. And I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine the pain someone feels who is faced with a decision to parent or place.

[Montraviatommyg]

You don't stop being a mother just because you relinquished the title just has a differnt meaning. Last year I found my son 5 days after his 23rd birthday and we are still in contact now. It meant a lot to him that I acknowledged him as my son and that I am his mother. His adoptive will always be quite HIS mother and I will never take her place nor would I. On the other hand we do have a place in each other's lives and he does call me mum.

Pip