[michellesb]

anyone in an open adoption situation ask for everything in writing including pictures etc... whatever it is you and the adoptive parents agreed to and both of you sign it. if they do not agree then you know they are just liars!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

michellesb

Were you lied to? Do you want to share what happened?


Jackie

[Missy M]

Originally posted by michellesb
anyone in an open adoption situation ask for everything in writing including pictures etc... whatever it is you and the adoptive parents agreed to and both of you sign it. if they do not agree then you know they are just liars!!!

Hi Michellesb...It sounds like you've had an unpleasant experience and like Jackie I want to assure you that we as B-moms understand and would hope you feel welcomed enough to share if you feel it would help. There are many stories here where sudden closure has occurred from both sides of the triad, so if you need help in this area you have come to the right place.
I also want to share that not every state recognizes the signed forms as legally binding so even though there is something in writing it may not be worth the paper its written on. Its important that everyone involved in making an adoption decision know exactly what their legal rights are and that each side have independent legal representation.
My reunited daughter was placed in 1972, back in the days when closed adoption was the only available option; but even now unless and until all the what-if's are defined I can not fully advocate a totally open adoption. I think the records should be made available to every adoptee on request upon reaching legal age and I think medical info should be made available to the A-parents always, but I think the legislators need to refine adoption laws...JMO>>>MissyM

[michellesb]

Here is my story:

I was Young 18 or so with 2 young boys the kids dad went to jail never worked a day in my life. kids had no food etc.. rent due etc..
Called my inlaws they said they would help me by taking the kids but I couldnt come that i could come get them when I get on my feet. I already knew I was leaving thier son because he was always in trouble and I did not like this. I signed temporary custody which is 3 months to my inlaws.

However 3 months later I went to try to take my children and the father in law told me I can't that he has gaurdianship now. but they told me I could never get them I was young and stupid I believed them because he showed me the court papers sayiong he had gaurdianship. They did let me visit from time to time and I was heartbroken but thought I could do nothing so I just accepted the way things were until one day the childrens father told me he thought his father was sexually abusing the boys and he said it in front of them and the 2 1/2 year old started talking about it in detail and the 1 1/2 year old also talked . Well I went totally balistick I called KIDS hotline and they removed them and did testing on them to find out yes it was true and that also they believed 2 uncles were also abusing them.

They were put into foster care and I at the time was living with a friend who had 3 kids in an apartment and they said the kids could not come with me because there was no room there. they told me I had to get my own place etc..

I did all but it took years for me to get my own place I had no work experience but did get a job and a apartment then they used the excuse that i had to have single beds for them because i had a double bed in their room so they still wouln't give them to me, i sais the one could have my bed and i will sleep on the couch and they said no.

So for years the kids were in foster care, i knew the people who had them and the social worker said she was going to bend the rules and give us special privliges as in me and the foster mom on the phone all the time we also met in person they let the kids visit me all the time. then when the kids were 12 and11 the foster parents asked if they could adopt it took me a year to decide but i told them under one condition that i could recieve letters and pictures and one visit per year. they agreed and i signed the papers. the contact was then cut off the adoptive father yelled at me telling me not to call he wanted the kids to know them as thier parents. I told him you are foolish these kids have known me and are old enough to remember me and one day they will look for me and i will tell them why i could not see or talk to them anymore.

So I did give respect and did as they asked but it killed me!! But I was at least content knowing they were in a good home and not being abused. By the time the kids were 18 the adoptive father died and the kids adoptive mother tried to help them find me but my phone was unlisted and I was remarried. Also I tried looking them up a year ago with no luck and just a month ago I found them and they welcomed me one lives with me he is 23. But I do not care I love having him here and all my life it felt like something was never whole because of those 2 kids but I just kept going on threw life and had to tell myself they were in good hands.

They now tell me that that is one thing they did not like about the adoptive father that he was jealous of birthparents as he also had 2 other adopted previous foster kids. They also tell me that the adoptive parents recieved 700.00 checks for them per month. I told the kids that is probably when you were foster kids but after they adopt then they should not have gotten checks anymore and the 23 yr old said yes they did till i was 18 and at 18 they threw me out of the house. He belives they only wanted the money. I have No clue??

They admit that they were good to them all growing up and all. Does anyone know do adoptive parents recieve checks for adopted kids?


Anyhow Me and My kids are now reunited and it is good. They say the foster mom always spoke well of me.


Thanks all for your replies

[Missy M]

Wow...what a sad story; glad you are reunited with your sons and I hope it is going well. I am a B-mom so I don't know much about what adoptive parents recieve but I will say that in the case of my daughters parents the answer would be no, they were not paid. Maybe the circumstances were different for your kids... I simply do not know. Take care and enjoy your sons....MissyM

[michellesb]

Missy, thank you and yes it was a long sad journey but it all ended very good.

Do you see your daughters now? Have you found them?

I hope so I know how it feels. These adoptive parents cannot even imagine the hurt we undure all the years. Some of them label us as garbage who just give our children away, but bparents who give up thier children either had problems or were young and forced to give them up so that they could have a good life. Some may not understand us but it is an unselfish act that we know if we cannot afford to keep them they will not have a very good child rearing. As in my case we had not even food to eat. My kids were drinking koolaide with no sugar in thier bottles. My rent was overdue and thier father went to jail. I did apply for welfare but the state I lived in would not help me and wanted to just take the kids so instead thats when i called my inlaws.

When I look back to those years I keep thinking I could have done something but in all reality I had no work experience back then and I am older now so yes if it was now that it happened i would be able to do something. I still feel guilty even though i know it was the right thing for the kids.

I still hurt inside for the kids even now. Especially when I look at photos of them when they were little. I think of how they must have felt in a strange home without me.

They have both been great accepting me into thier life and i am so greatful and lucky that they forgive me.

When i look at them now they are young men and i have missed so much of thier lives for that i am sorry and i cry sometimes at night still.


I hope your situation is great with your daughters.

sincerly,

michellesb