[GreenThumb]

Hi Ladies,

I am a new adoptive mom (10 weeks) in an open adoption. We have spoken with our son's Birth mom, "T," multiple times by phone since the placement and couldn't be happier with how things are going.

We are planning our first visit with T for early in June. We are picking the date and she is picking the time and place. My question is: What kinds of things can we do/orchestrate/say that will help this be the best possible experience for T? What have been your best experiences with visitation? Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks!

[AmyRae613]

green thumb,
hi there! i am a birthmom of 15 weeks. my lil one lives just an hour south of me. i was lucky enough to see my daughter just 5 days after she went home with her aparents from the hospital. my mother came down with me. we just sat and caught up on the week and got to know the aparents better. it is a little awkward the first couple of times. is "T" coming to your house or are you meeting in a public place?? i know that the amom and i prefer to meet at her house or in a quiet meeting place. we have tried resteraunts...and it just seems to be too busy and rushed. so if you can...meet somewhere you can relax and take as much time as both of you need. if you do not want to meet at your house, then maybe you could meet at like a park or something like that.

what i love is that with every visit i have...naedean always gives kaylee to me the moment i walk into the door. it is so sweet. i will admitt that sometimes it is still a little wierd...as we do not really know each other that well. she and i try to email each other once a week. i am not a big phone person...so i do better with e-mails. you may want to get an evelope of pictures ready for the bmom. that is another nice thing i love about naedean. she almost always has new pictures for me at every visit. the aparents are just amazing people...as i am sure you are, too. i just encourage you to tell silly stories about your first week with the baby and very encouraging things. if the baby has been to the drs. lately...be sure to give the bmom an update. naedean always tries to weigh kaylee for me with each visit. not too sure what else to say. hope this helps a little bit.

[sugarbabysmommy]

I agree with AmyRae, some place simple and low key. We got together at our home the first time with our child's birthmother and are so glad we did. We had some lunch munchies and just sat around visiting for a couple of hours. Right now your baby is so young that having an activity planned is not realistic, plus she'll want to just enjoy being together with baby. Since that first visit we've done other simple things to just spend time together, and now that our child is getting mobile our options are increasing. Time in a park is also good, remember to bring a blanket so you can all relax. If you are comfortable doing this at home, make sure to tell her that. Your baby's birthmother may be uncomfortable bringing that up herself. I know that in the begining our child's brithmother was very worried about doing or saying the wrong thing, even after many reassurances from us it took a few visits for this feeling to subside, and it still hasn't to some degree. Enjoy this visit, enjoy each other and getting to know each other better.

[wanttobeparents]

My son's birthmother was afraid that we wouldn't let her hold him. She said she was afraid that we would look at her strange or give her the evil eye. After 6 months of visits every few weeks, she is finally getting comfortable holding, feeding, and showing affection to him in front of us. So the best thing I can think of is to hand the baby to her as soon as you can. Michael had a pink rose on top of his blanket for his birthmother (thorns removed).

As far as where to go, I know that she is picking the place. Be sure that it is a quiet place. If it's a restaurant, try to pick an off time, like 2 in the afternoon. Ask for a table away from traffic, it may be uncomfortable in the beginning and it doesn't hurt not to have people passing by your table every 3 minutes.

Good Luck.

Peggy

[GreenThumb]

Hi. Thanks for the input.

T keeps asking if it will bother me for her to hold the baby. She is so thoughtful. I'm actually looking forward to seeing him with her. I see her in his face every day and it will be great to see the resemblance in real life. I'll be sure to hand him to her as soon as we arrive.

We had been planning to meet in public but maybe we should consider meeting at our house. We would use the agency but the visit is likely to be on the weekend when they're not open. We'd probably all be more comfortable here.

Anyway, I'll post after it happens to let you all know how it goes.

[Jensboys]

ok I am an amom involved in a totally different type of adoption but here are some ideas that I know birthmom friends of mine have liked to do.


#1) I would do it in your home -- baby will be more comfortable, you will be more comfortable, she will get to see the "real life" of the baby.

#2) Give her some time alone with the baby ... ie maybe suggest she "rock him to sleep" in his room. All birthmoms I have talked with say how much they treasure even a few moments alone with the baby.

#3) (lol another #3 because I am adding this one in late) Encourage and suggest she do the "baby care" - change a diaper, feed the baby, maybe dress him/change him. Put him in an outfit that she bought if you can or if you have one.

#3) Be prepared for emotion. Most stories I have heard have said the first visit is the hardest and they reduce in difficulty as time goes on. She might be very sad. That's ok - permit it, talk about it, expect it, support it.

#4) Take some pictures for her and for you. Talk about the future ... make plans for the next visit -- it will allow her some peace when she has to leave this time (bound to be hard).

#5) Be prepared that this might be HARD ON YOU TOO. All those fears, insecurities etc etc etc might just pop on out. Thats OK!!! Keep telling yourself that openness isnt about what feels "comfortable" to ANY of you -- its about what is RIGHT for that baby. Sometimes openness feels downright nasty. Its ok for you to have those feelings as long as you dont allow them to fester or overwhelm you from doing what is right.


Good Luck!

[GinnyBinny]

My first visit with my birthson was at his parents home when he was about two weeks old. I was so happy to see him and it was helpful to see him in such a great loving home, but the first visit was very hard. His mom made it easier though by being so great as usual. She had him dressed in some of the cloths that I had got for him and she gave my boyfriend (the birthfather) and I some alone time with him.

As Jensboys wrote the first visit is probably the hardest for most birthparents, but is less difficult as time goes on. That has been my experience. The first couple visits were hard, but they are not anymore. I am just incrediably happy becuase I feel so blessed to be apart of his life and to be able to see him so happy and in such a loving home.

I also agree with Jensboys about giving the birthmother some alone time with the baby. AmyRae613s suggestion about having pictures available is a great idea too. I also really appreciate when my bson's mom gives me pictures at visits and also having the pictures to look at after the first visit may be real helpful for her. Jensboys suggestion of taken pictures is a great idea. I really wish I had some pictures form the first visit. I forgot to bring a camera.



Best wishes.

-Ginny

[AmyRae613]

if you talk to the bmom before the visit...encourage her to bring along her own camera along to take pictures. i do that with every visit. then i have the pictures that the amom gives me plus pictures that i took durring the visit. i always get at least one picture that is with the amom and my lil one and then a picture of my lil one and me. it is kind of fun to look back on the past visits and see how much she is starting to really look like me. then once i get home and look at the pictures that i have taken **i always take down the digital camera** i always send three or four pictures to the amom for her own picture stash and also some to the bfather. =)

[poobear]

I am a birthmom, I gave my daughter up for adoption Sept 5th,2003.I have an open adoption with the parents that have my daughter.I get pictures and cards all the time from the adopted family about my daughter.Having an open adoption is the best way I could have gone with her.Cause i'm in contact with the family about what's going on with her.So yes it's a very good thing.I have met with the family three times already now and it feels weriod to see them with my daughter but i know it was the best thing for her.I don't regreat doing what i did for her i gave her a better life then i could ever give her.She is so happy I see it in the pictures i get from the adoptive family.But yes I have been there and it is a great experence.



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